Every time I see a new email come in my heart drops a little
bit at the same time beating faster thinking it might be from him. Who is him
you ask? Him (yes I know it should be He) is the Lonely Divorcee that I went
out with on a great date last Friday.
I meet him on the horrid site, that I swore I would never
join again alas I did rejoin and alas I have met someone that is not only
handsome and sweet, but witty, sarcastic and seems very interested in me.
We had a wonderfully fun evening last Friday dinner at a
local Mexican eatery, it was so funny because we both mix our beans and rice
together without even realizing the other was doing it. (Hey it tastes better
that way, try it) Than we went to the local bowling alley, where I proceeded to
kick his bum (*giggles*, okay if you ask him the truth would be that he wiped
the floor with me, but there is always a rematch*smiles*) We did go back to his
house, talked and fell asleep. No we did not have sex, we did touch but that
was all, hey you can’t have sex on the first date right? *smiles*
Everything seemed to be going GREAT until my insecurities
and jealousy came out a tiny bit yesterday.
I just wanted to make sure that I wasn’t wasting my energy and time
thinking that things might go further if he was planning on dating a lot of
different women. I didn’t think it was
fair to me, to the other women, or well him. It was hard to explain on text, so
I asked him to call me. We discussed it and I as I processed my feelings and thoughts
while at the theater, it came to me that I would accept that I really did want
to see where things would go with LD and trust that his actions were true and
that he also wanted to see where things
might go, while making new friends.
So I told him this and things seemed to be going well last
night on text. Till he texted me asking me if I took medicine, I was taken a
little back and defensive. I’m not really sure why I was caught off guard or
why I got defensive maybe the fact that people judge so much. But then when I
thought about it I realized that I didn’t even have my medicine with me at his
place. I tried to explain but he said no
he was going to sleep.
This morning during a text I got the sense that something
was off with him, he told me that he guessed today was his day to process. I
want to let him do that, give him the space and let him make his decision at
the same time I am freaking out a bit about what if he decides I’m not worth it
(although I know I am *smiles*) I have to trust my HP, God, Angels, Guides and
everyone else that if it is meant to be that he will process how worth it I am.
He has a lot going on right now, it’s his week with his
little ones, he’s waiting to see if he made Chief (I know if my gut he did!) So
the next 6 weeks will be intense for him and I’d like to be secure enough to be
able to stand by and show him the support and care that he deserves. I just
hope that my insecurities that make me, me, haven’t totally scared him off.
From what I have seen and learned about him, he is a very generous, caring,
man who needs someone to show him how amazing he really is. You can see it in
his eyes that he needs to be lifted up and cherished, maybe he’ll let me. I
really hope so because being Lonely doesn’t have to be if you reach beyond the
past and let someone in. 
