It would have been Izabella's 14th birthday a few days ago. My mind and heart swirls around that thought process and what type of young woman she would have been. I can imagine that she would have been hard headed like a typical Taurus, focused on her passions and desires. Would she have been boy crazy? Or a tom boy focused on sports? Would we be close or argue as we enter the teen years. Would she be embarrassed by me or proud to call me her mum?
So tonight I sit and think about my beautiful daughter and what she would have been on the month of the anniversary of her birth. I decided to stay home tonight and not go to my meeting, not sure how smart that is but I just don't have it in me to sit there and listen during a meeting. Maybe it is my depression who knows I just know that I decided to stay home.
I didn't really want to be alone but the lack of being in a relationship and having someone to call on just to come over and stare at the TV with me is quite highlighted in moments like this. *sighs* This too shall pass & make me stronger. One would think 14 years later it wouldn't hit me as hard every year. *sighs* But it does.
You would have been an amazing angel on earth, just as you are amazing angel in heaven. All my love.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Miss me?
Did ya think I had ran off and forgotten you my dear Blog? Did you miss me? Miss my banter that makes no sense sometimes to anyone but me?
Oh I miss you so much my dear Blog, but the voices from within for the first time in a long time have been working through the issues on their own. Strange isn't it....as I grown in my programs the voices seem to be straightening themselves out at times. So what should I fill your pages with?
I'm feeling down again, not sure the anti-depressants are working. I know I need to be working out I know this mentally, but physically I can't seem to get my FAT ass back to the gym. Doesn't help that I don't really have the funds and let it slide. *sighs* I just need to get my bootie out and about.
Well I am running late for my own M&G....NICE HUH?!!! Well I should probably go My dear Blog as my brain is full but can't seem to put it into words right now.
Miss me muches!!!
Oh I miss you so much my dear Blog, but the voices from within for the first time in a long time have been working through the issues on their own. Strange isn't it....as I grown in my programs the voices seem to be straightening themselves out at times. So what should I fill your pages with?
I'm feeling down again, not sure the anti-depressants are working. I know I need to be working out I know this mentally, but physically I can't seem to get my FAT ass back to the gym. Doesn't help that I don't really have the funds and let it slide. *sighs* I just need to get my bootie out and about.
Well I am running late for my own M&G....NICE HUH?!!! Well I should probably go My dear Blog as my brain is full but can't seem to put it into words right now.
Miss me muches!!!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Need to change plans? Okay just show some MANNERS while doing it!
So I went on a date with a new guy last night. We'll call him E the Engineer.
So E and I went to a nice Easter dinner @ Outback steakhouse. I'm working at getting to know someone on a none sexual way considering that I really want to be in a healthy loving relationship. So I stayed away from sexual innuendos, jokes, etc. But for some reason although I was honest and upfront with E before going to dinner that I was NOT going have sex with him last night it seemed like all he wanted to do was ask me sexual questions. I stayed away from the questions and changed the subject as much as possible but it was annoying at times. I felt disrespected and that he was not understanding my boundary.
After dinner we drove out to Fiesta Island. We talked and E stated that he wanted to date me but had a concern because of being bi that I might cheat on him. I did allow that conversation to open up an honest communication explaining that although I do like women I don't cheat when in a relationship, if I was with a woman it would be included in the relationship. I felt good about the conversation, until at one point E asked me if I would be his girl. My thought was...Oh LORDY LORDY LORDY, we've been on one date and you want to be serious already? So I turned to him and said can we wait for an answer on this questions for a few more dates? He wasn't happy about it but said yes. I explained that I didn't want to lead anyone on and that I just thought it was to soon to say I we were in a relationship. He said well I want to date you and I said I would like to see you again also. He asked if he could see me the next day I told him well I have a meeting @ 6:30, to which he responds okay what about 3 to 5. I said would like that.
When we pulled back up to my place, we kissed a little bit and the pushing of sex came on even stronger. At one point he teared up and hand this pouty face. I kissed him again and said I will see you tomorrow. He was upset wanted to come in and hang out but I knew my rules in my head, kissed him good night and got out of the vehicle.
As I was thinking over the date last night, I really was bothered by the sexual innuendos, manipulation and disrespect of my boundaries but I told myself I would go on another date to see how things unfold between us.
So that brings us to today. I hear from him via text a few times this morning. I text to confirm that we'll be going out @ 3, to which he replies I was thinking of taking my car in to the shop and thought we could get together tomorrow. I replied back stating I had plans tomorrow evening and that I was busy until Friday. He has his little one on Friday. So I said okay. He sent back a unhappy face. I thought about it and decided to be honest about what I was feeling so I told him, "look I explained I stay busy, I made sure I was free for you this afternoon because we made plans. I don't break plans like that I explained. I continued on to say that I was upset and that if we needed to make changes it would of be polite and respectful to have said so this morning and not assume I'm free when he was. That I take my plans with others seriously, that I expect them to keep them or be respectful enough to inform in a timely manner". His responds back was "Yeah...OK" UMM WHAT?
What is that? So as I am analyzing this relationships beginning I am already having warning flags that are flying up. I don't think I am wrong in wanting others to treat me the same way that I treat others? I don't think there is anything wrong with expecting someone to cancel plans with me in a timely manner so that I'm not waiting around for them. I think it's called manners, what ever happened to those?
So E and I went to a nice Easter dinner @ Outback steakhouse. I'm working at getting to know someone on a none sexual way considering that I really want to be in a healthy loving relationship. So I stayed away from sexual innuendos, jokes, etc. But for some reason although I was honest and upfront with E before going to dinner that I was NOT going have sex with him last night it seemed like all he wanted to do was ask me sexual questions. I stayed away from the questions and changed the subject as much as possible but it was annoying at times. I felt disrespected and that he was not understanding my boundary.
After dinner we drove out to Fiesta Island. We talked and E stated that he wanted to date me but had a concern because of being bi that I might cheat on him. I did allow that conversation to open up an honest communication explaining that although I do like women I don't cheat when in a relationship, if I was with a woman it would be included in the relationship. I felt good about the conversation, until at one point E asked me if I would be his girl. My thought was...Oh LORDY LORDY LORDY, we've been on one date and you want to be serious already? So I turned to him and said can we wait for an answer on this questions for a few more dates? He wasn't happy about it but said yes. I explained that I didn't want to lead anyone on and that I just thought it was to soon to say I we were in a relationship. He said well I want to date you and I said I would like to see you again also. He asked if he could see me the next day I told him well I have a meeting @ 6:30, to which he responds okay what about 3 to 5. I said would like that.
When we pulled back up to my place, we kissed a little bit and the pushing of sex came on even stronger. At one point he teared up and hand this pouty face. I kissed him again and said I will see you tomorrow. He was upset wanted to come in and hang out but I knew my rules in my head, kissed him good night and got out of the vehicle.
As I was thinking over the date last night, I really was bothered by the sexual innuendos, manipulation and disrespect of my boundaries but I told myself I would go on another date to see how things unfold between us.
So that brings us to today. I hear from him via text a few times this morning. I text to confirm that we'll be going out @ 3, to which he replies I was thinking of taking my car in to the shop and thought we could get together tomorrow. I replied back stating I had plans tomorrow evening and that I was busy until Friday. He has his little one on Friday. So I said okay. He sent back a unhappy face. I thought about it and decided to be honest about what I was feeling so I told him, "look I explained I stay busy, I made sure I was free for you this afternoon because we made plans. I don't break plans like that I explained. I continued on to say that I was upset and that if we needed to make changes it would of be polite and respectful to have said so this morning and not assume I'm free when he was. That I take my plans with others seriously, that I expect them to keep them or be respectful enough to inform in a timely manner". His responds back was "Yeah...OK" UMM WHAT?
What is that? So as I am analyzing this relationships beginning I am already having warning flags that are flying up. I don't think I am wrong in wanting others to treat me the same way that I treat others? I don't think there is anything wrong with expecting someone to cancel plans with me in a timely manner so that I'm not waiting around for them. I think it's called manners, what ever happened to those?
Friday, April 2, 2010
Is a race preference in dating....Racism?
So something interesting happened to me today. I was texting with a guy who I had been emailing with off and on for the past few months..not really anything serious of what not.
Well we got into a text conversation were I asked him to describe himself he did 6'2 210 brown eyes brown hair well endowed. I asked him what race he was. I have no idea why we have never had this discussion before, but I asked. His response back was Why? To which I responded stating that that regardless of feelings everyone has preferences in what they are attracted to.He said like racism? I said No just as you're attracted to curvy/thick women, others are attracted to skinny women, or tall or short. And some people are attracted to a certain race and not to others. His come back was well Hitler had a preference to. I responded back with yes he did and that was not what the issue was, the issue was what he did with that preference and what his followers did and they way they enacted pain and evil on to the objects that were not of their preference.
I realized that this man was not of the race that I find attractive and told him that I wished him the best of luck in his search for a romantic relationship but that we wouldn't be going further than friends. ....here is what finally set me off a bit. His response back was so it's true what they say about Klantee? I said I don't know I didn't grow up here. I then kindly told him that I thought it would be best to stop talking and to please delete my number. His response was GLADLY people like you Disgust me.
Now I am use to men that are not of the race that I prefer to date calling me names because of my preference in dating. But this man's comment set me off, I responded back to him stating that it is when you make a preference a hateful hurtful thing is when it is racism. I told him I have nothing against you I just prefer to date a certain race and unfortunately you're not of that race. If you were shorter than me it would be the same thing. We all have preferences in what we find attractive and drawn to.
So why is it that because I choose to date one race over others that am a racist? Why is it okay for a man to want to date a skinny woman? Or a blonde? or a redhead? or White man prefer Asian women? Or Black women that prefer to date black men? Or dating of a certain age range Why is this all okay...but when a white woman prefers to date a white man I'm called a racist?
Have race relationships and racism really not evolved so far and education not done it's job of stating that people have a right to fall in love and date whomever they are attracted to? and if that means its two white people, two Asians, or two black people that it's okay and normal? Since when has the right to have your own opinion in the United States of America become a part of racism, I thought it was a part of what set this great nation apart from others. Am I still in the USA? Or have I really left Kansas?
Well we got into a text conversation were I asked him to describe himself he did 6'2 210 brown eyes brown hair well endowed. I asked him what race he was. I have no idea why we have never had this discussion before, but I asked. His response back was Why? To which I responded stating that that regardless of feelings everyone has preferences in what they are attracted to.He said like racism? I said No just as you're attracted to curvy/thick women, others are attracted to skinny women, or tall or short. And some people are attracted to a certain race and not to others. His come back was well Hitler had a preference to. I responded back with yes he did and that was not what the issue was, the issue was what he did with that preference and what his followers did and they way they enacted pain and evil on to the objects that were not of their preference.
I realized that this man was not of the race that I find attractive and told him that I wished him the best of luck in his search for a romantic relationship but that we wouldn't be going further than friends. ....here is what finally set me off a bit. His response back was so it's true what they say about Klantee? I said I don't know I didn't grow up here. I then kindly told him that I thought it would be best to stop talking and to please delete my number. His response was GLADLY people like you Disgust me.
Now I am use to men that are not of the race that I prefer to date calling me names because of my preference in dating. But this man's comment set me off, I responded back to him stating that it is when you make a preference a hateful hurtful thing is when it is racism. I told him I have nothing against you I just prefer to date a certain race and unfortunately you're not of that race. If you were shorter than me it would be the same thing. We all have preferences in what we find attractive and drawn to.
So why is it that because I choose to date one race over others that am a racist? Why is it okay for a man to want to date a skinny woman? Or a blonde? or a redhead? or White man prefer Asian women? Or Black women that prefer to date black men? Or dating of a certain age range Why is this all okay...but when a white woman prefers to date a white man I'm called a racist?
Have race relationships and racism really not evolved so far and education not done it's job of stating that people have a right to fall in love and date whomever they are attracted to? and if that means its two white people, two Asians, or two black people that it's okay and normal? Since when has the right to have your own opinion in the United States of America become a part of racism, I thought it was a part of what set this great nation apart from others. Am I still in the USA? Or have I really left Kansas?
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Tap Tap ....is this thing on?
Ever wonder if anyone actually reads this? It's like I'm giving a speech and there is no audience. I can't wait for the day that I actually get a follower or a comment....won't that be exciting?
Until then I'll just keep tap the microphone to wake ya all up.
Until then I'll just keep tap the microphone to wake ya all up.
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