Sometimes I wonder where I get my thought process and why I
think that I deserve certain things or certain looking types of men. I mean
sure I have a great set of boobies, an amazing smile, sense of humor over the
moon, and I think I’m pretty amazing, but I’m also overweight, and that is a
huge well flaw. So why is that I view a man on looks, what he has to offer, his
sense of humor and his intelligence. Is this normal?
Take for example a date I had the other night. We met for
tea at a local Starbucks. I knew from his pictures on OKC that he was a larger
man and I was okay with that. When we met I thought okay he’s a little larger
than I first thought but give him a chance. He had terrible teeth, and smokes,
strikes against. Him but he was really nice to chat with and I thought okay let
me see. As we continued to talk though, I don’t know what overcame me but I
knew right off the bat there would be nothing but a friendship. The attraction
wasn’t there. Now yes I am not so shallow that I base things all on looks,
looks I know come and go, but it was the fact that at mid-40’s he’s still
struggling financially, he drives a crappy beat up van, and has a terrible
relationship with his daughters mum. I don’t want to come off as materialistic
or stuck up, but I would like to date a man that it doesn’t break the bank to
go to coffee, a movie or breakfast. I’d like to date a man that can travel with
me, who can go away for the weekend, etc. I would like that eventually to get
re-married, purchase a home, and live a comfortable life. So I would hope that
by the time you’re in your 40s you’re making decent money and able to provide
for a woman in your life. Unfortunately cowboy wasn’t the one. *frowns*
So I ventured to a different realm that I have ventured to
and stuck a toe in a few times and that was as a cuckoldess. I meet this okay
looking man we’ll call him cucklooking. Anyhow cuck, wanted a cuckoldress (or a
hotwife) a woman who is controlling, has sex with others, wears the pants
(skirt) in the relationship and commands the attention in a room. I’m thought
of this many times and some thought okay let’s venture here. We talked on the
phone for about an hour in the morning and decided to meet for lunch. I dressed
I thought appropriately for the date, not a lot of cleavage, etc. After all my focus
was on the relationship part first, than build onto the kinky part. Well
somewhere in the date (smirks) cuck decided that I looked too much like a
school teacher and that it wouldn’t work. I was fine with it; he had and arrogance
about him that turned me off. Funny thing is that evening he was begging me for
a second chance, and the next morning when I thought about it he had already
moved on. What I learned is that
sometimes your version of what you want a relationship and someone else’s might
perfect on paper or in words but in actions they are worlds apart.
I miss T more and more. It’s strange, I know he’s not
available and I know all I can get from him is emails, and when he gets home a
few stolen months. But it’s nice to have a man actually think you’re sexy,
beautiful, and a temptress when it seems everyone else around you things of you
as a fat, ugly, unattractive woman. *sighs*
I think ever since the car accident my brain was shook a
little too much that I wonder sometimes if I am dreaming or reality. Sometimes
I seriously have to pinch myself to know if I am dreaming or awake. It’s a strange
feeling. The feeling of seeing death, of wanting to share your experience, the
knowledge, with those around you but not having the words to explain it to
anyone. How do show those around you your sorry for your past mistakes, that
life is beautiful, that granting forgiveness, love, and happiness to others is
not something learned, but a gift. How do you share with those you have hurt,
how do you ask for forgiveness and know that you have no power over getting it,
and be okay with that? How does one accept that you have to love, forgive and
treat yourself right before you can anyone else? The brain gets jiggled a bit
and all the pieces fall out or is it together?
