I miss myself.

While talking to a friend this evening he said that he missed me, as I typed back what do you miss about me I realized that I missed myself also. I missed the woman who was focused, happy, positive, had life by the balls and was focused on the future. I miss the outgoing, friendly, caring woman who thought life was wonderful. 

Today I seem to be at a new low. Rent is due again, no job seems to be in the future, I'm not happy with the new person in my life, my roommate and best friend my other half is moving back to Texas in a month and I feel like the darkness is closing in with no light. 

What am I doing?

I finally landed a job last week. Best parts are the pay (amazing!) and that I work from home, but what the hell am I suppose to be doing? I seriously don't understand, this company has hired me thanks to my awesome resume with no real experience as to what they are wanting me to do. *sighs* 

So here it is Wednesday of my first week and I haven't got anything to show for the hours I'll be billing on Friday. Worse of all is I'm suppose to be meeting with my boss Friday afternoon and show him what I've been doing. *shivers* I have NO IDEA what that is. UGH!!! I want to work for them but seriously wondering if I would work better in an office instead of at home. I mean don't get me wrong its nice to work from home, no driving, no worrying about being late, traffic, can be with the pups, cook dinner, etc. But how to stay focused is a challenge all on its own. 

I just keep asking myself what the hell am I suppose to be doing? I just keep thinking about that first billing/paycheck on Friday and how it will help pay bills. Beyond that I can't seem to concentrate on anything else. UGH!!! What am I doing? 

Letting the despair go.

What do you do when you are so deep in despair that you can't see any healthy way out? Today I found out about my unemployment and with it came such a despair that I thought about taking my life for the first time in many many many years. 

My unemployment was approved, but with it came a surprise of being fined 15 weeks of pay due to the over payments made to me in 2011. So I am stuck with no income coming in for unemployment for 4 months. WHAT THE HELL am I suppose to do? I officially cried it all out. Then tried to think about what to do. 

I'm literally lost as I seriously don't know where to turn and at the moment can't really think to well as to what to do. I sucked up my ego and asked a friend for a loan to pay this months rent and past due bills, but he had a point what am I going to do next month when the bills are due? To be honest I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow or the day after I just know that I have this despair deep in my chest that I can't lift off and its financial. 

Its so frightening to me that I can't seem to think straight all I want to do is sleep and well all know that's not helpful at all. I feel like I am constantly struggling in my life that nothing good financially ever happens for me. My credit is shot, my loan options are awful and I owe everyone around me money. How can I live my life trying to be positive, good, etc when financially I am a MESS! How can I enter into a relationship with anyone when I am such a FINANCIAL MESS? Is this my higher power once again trying to shake me up and have me fix things? But how? I have always believed that God would take care of me but at the same time shouldn't I be taking care of the things he is giving me? I have probably missed or taken for granted plenty of things that have been given to me in my life to change my path so why is that I am where I am now? And how do I change this pattern? 

How do I change my life right now? How do I pull myself up from the despair, tie a knot in the rope and swing for all my might? How do I let the ego go, chase the fear away and remind myself that this is just a step on my path? How do I pay my rent this month?