Liars and Cheats...its called the dating world.

Amazing the dating world. I do a lot of online dating, always think that I have a pretty good meter to figuring out when something is just not right. I may want to re-think that after the past few men I have gotten involved in. I'll have to write about them, they'd make a great book.

So this most recent situation has me thinking I need to take my BS meter in for a tune up. I responded to an ad on a local website that a man posted looking for a friend to go to Disneyland. Let's call him Disneylandia.

So Disneylandia gave this sob story about divorcing his wife, she cheated on him and he was lonely. So I responded, well we didn't end up going to Disneyland. He actually never went, but we did continue emailing spilling secrets to each other about our hurts. He wrote telling me all about his broken heart how his soon to be ex wife (that should have been the first flag, in his ad he said he was divorced) had cheated on him sending him into an emotional spin he was on admin leave from his VA police job till he could pass a psych evaluation, yadda yadda yadda.

After a day or so of spilling our stories on email to each other he gives me his number. We talk on the phone and he starts telling me his deepest sexual desires, how he was bi-sexual, wanted a cuck hold relationship, etc. None of this scared me, hey I'm very sexually open, but the fact that I want a RELATIONSHIP first before a sexual relationship. That I want a man that is into me courts me, dates me, I am working on my boundary of keeping it to old fashioned dating. I sent him an email stating I didn't think that he was in a place to date right now and that I wasn't in a place to be in a relationship with someone with no attachment. He sends me this supposedly heart felt email telling me how much he cares about me etc etc. I asked for some time to process everything. I should of walked away when he didn't know how to respect that boundary, kept texting and calling that night. The next day after praying, meditating, journaling, and came to the decision that I could only offer this man two choices either dating or strictly friends.

I sent an email to him stating this and advised him to talk to his counselor. He comes back to me over the next few days saying he really wanted to date me. That he was fine...well the next two kickers secure my BS meter needing a tune up. After a few days of calls and emails, he calls me crying saying that his best friend was killed in Iraq the day before and he was taking it very hard. My heart went out to him. I finally gave in to allowing him to meet me.

So Disneylandia came over to my house after work the next day. We talked cuddled on the couch, I'll admit messed around a bit. Then he had to leave to take his son to baseball practice. The entire day something was bugging me, I sent a few texts no responses.

About 1:30am I get a response back and its from his WIFE. Well he lied! What a shocker huh? That's CL for ya. Although he didn't lie about everything he did lie about the divorce and not wanting to get back with her. THE KICKER is he LIED about his friend dying in Iraq. WHO DOES THAT? REALLY who does that? Come on!

*shaking head* I seriously am thinking about turning lesbian, or what about a nice t-girl. I mean being Bi-sexual a nice t-girl would be awesome, tits and cock best of TWO worlds. Alas I'd just like to meet a nice man that knows what it means to be totally into a woman, court her and make her feel special. *sighs* oh and be emotionally available.

Country love song

Have you ever been in your car driving along alone at night listening to the radio and a song comes on. You think to yourself well gosh darnit shouldn't love be like that?

History in the making by Darius Rucker does that for me and lately I've had a lot of these thoughts. Being single is nicer than I thought it would be but I will admit that there are a lot of things about being in a relationship that I miss. And when I am driving along alone at night radio playing a country love song, my heart sighs heavily wondering when my country man will find me and sweep me off my feet.

I want my last first kiss. I want to bring someone to their knees with my kiss, butterflies in their tummy from my name. I want my cowboy that brings that little blue box because he wants to show how much he loves me not because I told him. A man that courts me.

*sighs* Till then I'll be happy with my singledom. At least there I make history daily.

The shaded gray space in between.

Some might think I have multiple personalities calling my blog voices from within, okay I'll give you a little of that considering I'm a Gemini and we are suppose to have two personalities. But no the voices from within are my thoughts, the things that we all struggle with the proverbial angel vs. devil scenario. The good vs. bad, the black and white of things...I like to call it the shaded gray space in between.

So this unknown place in my mind in my heart in my soul is so full of things and thoughts right now that I'm not sure were to start. My ex of 4 years whom broke my heart 7 months ago, we'll call him (The PAST from now on) has left the states. He has gone over seas for his year orders to the middle east, and although I thought having him out of the country and Absolutely NO chance at running into him, the fact that he left without even a single GOOD BYE rocked my world a bit. Not sure why I wanted that band aid ripped off with a goodbye from him, I guess a big part of me wanted to believe that the 4 years we were together meant something more. Again I was wrong. Or it could be that in some strange way that I don't understand right now he actually was loving me and himself enough to not cause grief again by saying good bye. Could it be that?

Learning my steps in my program of recovery has taught me to let go and let god. Sometimes to be honest this is difficult because my codependent ways want me to control the world. Because of course in S's world everything would perfect. If ya all just listened to me, the world would be full of butterflies, fireflies, a lavender sky, green clouds with pink polka dots, and of course we would all be happy and healthy. But we don't live in S's world, we live in reality and in reality I am powerless over others actions, feelings, thoughts. And really it's so much easier that way.

Test

Today I start my journey into the Blogging world and wonder where it will take me. Excited and nervous...is this normal?