What do you do....

What do you do when you find out the one that had your heart for so long has gotten married? Yes The Past is now married, I’m actually handling that a lot better than I handled finding out about the engagement last month.

The situation makes me scratch my head a bit and wonder why the rush, and why he wasn’t willing to step up to his responsibilities for me and his son. But that was last year and a time for me to put behind me and remind myself that I have the best part of him.

So it’s The Past’s birthday and I suppose its fitting that I find this all out today.

So how do you handle knowing that something that was so important to you in the past is now forever gone from your life?

Distraction needed!

I read a quote the other day " Watching you walk out of my life hasn't made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if I wanted so baldy to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along." What if you believe the right one has come along but they aren't in the same place as you?

Yes I'm referring to Yumminess. I have also realized that I want someone in my life that realizes that I'm impatience and a little insecure, that I make mistakes. That I can be out of control at times and hard to handle. But if they are willing to be with me at my worst, than they will defiantly reap me at my best. Yumminess might realize all this, but he's not in a space right now that he's willing to chase after me or show his feelings, and you know what that's okay. At least that is what my head is telling me I am suppose to say and feel.

I realize I need a distraction romantically in my life, but I don't want something that is just about sex. I want a genuine FRIEND!!! to hang out with and than have sex...*giggles*...my good friend E and I hang out all the time I just wish I was attracted to him that way it would be the best arrangement, but I'm not. *frowns* So I need to find an E that I am attracted to and not get emotionally involved. Is that possible?

I believe together we could be extraordinary.

I believe that together Yumminess and I can be extraordinary rather than ordinary part, but unfortunately for us both be doesn't feel that way. According to him at least not right now. *sighs*

life is to short in my opinion to be wasting all this time waiting for what we both already feel and know. But it is what it is.

A part of me really wonders if I am ever going to have someone in my life that that thinks that's beautiful to me. I heard this song by Jaron and the long road to love, called "That's beautiful to me" and made me think will anyone ever think that way about me? *sighs*

loneliness

Loneliness seems to be overwhelming me at the moment. I'm not really sure why life is pretty good.

I've been really busy the past few months, work has picked up so I am back to working 5 days a week. This is nice because it keeps me on a schedule, out of the house and making money. The making money part helps to alleviate some of my worries, of having my bills paid.

I also started a woman's meetup group. Its been awesome and the past month it has just blown up. I'm pretty busy with the group, we have something going on every week. Between a monthly book discussion, game night and wine social, to outings to local monastery, brewery. spas, movie/brunch days. It's been a very positive and uplifting experience.

I celebrated a year in my program last month, it was strange because I was excited about having gotten to the one year mark at the same time mixed feelings, sort of to the point of not wanting to be there anymore. I'm just not happy in this part of my life for some reason. I feel like a lot of stress with the service work in my program and just not sure how I wish to proceed.

So my life has been really busy with things but to be honest I'm lonely and sad. I know that no man or woman for that manner will complete me, although it would be nice to have someone special in my life.

I'm not sure if finding out that The Past proposed to his GF last month has put me into a really bad spin or if its genuine feelings.

I do know that I am really missing Yumminess and wishing things were different between us, but in reality I know that this is how our realtionship is going to be. A distance of chemistry, and that really makes me sad. Yumminess is the one that I want to tell everything to, the good, the bad and the future. I'm realizing though that, its not a two way street and so I am having to reel myself in. I'm also realizing that Yumminess really doesn't know me as well as I would like him to, and not sure that he wants to know me that well.

So my loneliness is overwhelming at the moment, I would like someone special in my life. Someone that wants to romance me....but I am doubting that it will happen anytime soon.