The darkenss creeps back.

For the first time in quite a few years I feel the dreaded feelings coming back. I see the darkness creeping in and the feeling of losing it. I thought I could shake it off, stay busy with the girls, concentrate on work, take care of the important things, car, health, bills. If I stayed focused the darkness would subside again and the light would shine through once again. Tonight I feel lost, completely totally lost as though the darkness can envelope me and I wouldn't care. 

Who do I reach out to? Who do I ask for help? What do I ask for? How do you explain to someone that you're having an attack, but not really knowing what the attack is. How do you settle ones heart when you know there is no solution? How do you deal with the darkness when the light seems just as drab. 

Tonight I wanted a man in my life. A man who would hold my hand, and truly deeply care about me. when my car decided to break down right outside my door, I started to cry as I sat in her begging her to start. My thoughts were screaming WHY!! Why me? Why now? I just spent $700 on her a few weeks ago and was planning about $400 on new tires next month, but now completely DEAD!! Why? It's when I felt the most alone in a long long time. Its the first time that I have even wished I was still married so at least I could just give the keys to my ex and let him take care of the broken down car. But I can't, tomorrow I have to deal with it all on my own, I have to suck it up accept the fact that I am single and alone and a broken car. 

I told yumminess today good bye. The panic has taken over, I know logical that its the best thing and that if I just breathe and take one step at a time, one day at a time, it will get better. But the still underlying feelings of the past 9 years yells out NO, and hopes that he would do the same. Alas unreasonable expectations from someone who can't admit his feelings or willing to move along from his past. 

So I fight off the creeping darkness, the depression, the lack of care for anything really and pray that the light with shine through brighter and stronger once again, soon.

I'm turning 40 this year!!

I'm turning 40 this year (May 25th to be exact) and I decided to do 40 things that I have been wanting to do and putting off. Some are things on my vision board and others are just random things I thought would be cool to experience. So here goes.

	40 things to do for my 40th
1	Get at tattoo
2	Go the the Grand Canyon
3	Sky dive
4	Fly in a trapezze
5	Go river rafting
6	See a broadway play on Broadway
7	Create my will
8	Volunteer at Habitat for Humanity and build a house
9	Learn to play one song on the guitar
10	Write a song
11	Eat in all the resturants featured on Diveins & Drives within a 100 mile range of my house.
12	Learn to juggle 3 balls
13	Learn to Line Dance
14	Learn to Salsa Dance
15	Get custom fitted for a bra
16	Get a blue box from Tiffany's
17	Send a message in a bottle
18	Fall deeply, madly, helpless in love.
19	Sit on a jury
20	Create my own website
21	Visit the rememberance museum in LA
22	Be in the audience of a game show
23	Take Pinup Photos
24	How to buy a good wine I like
25	Try weed once
26	Get into an exercise routine I like & stick to it
27	Buy a gun
28	Compete in a swin meet again
29	Ride a mechanical bull
30	Sing my favorite son at kareooke and do it WELL!
31	Do a Pub Crawl
32	Spend an hour on an elevator- smile & say hi to everyone
33	Learn to wear heels and not fall or hurt!
34	Convience 5 women take the PAX program
35	Run a 5K at least 3/4's
36	Do a mud run
37	Learn to program a website
38	Buy myself flowers 40 times (at least once a week)
39	Hold a plank for 5 minutes
40	Create a calendar with my photos and give away to  friends/family

Get out of my own way!

That’s one of my goals for 2013, to not let the effects or thoughts of how others perceive me prevent me from doing and living my life for me.

Like DANCING!!  I love to dance I really do, I’m probably really bad at it but I love to dance.  Alas I won’t dance in public, I’m always scared that people are watching me and laughing at me. I know they are (come on admit it) but really what does it matter? It’s not like I am ever going to see these people again. Not like they are paying my bills so why is it that when it comes to dancing in public I just can’t? Get out of my own way!

So today I got out of my own way and posted the link to my blog for the girlies of my woman’s group to read. UGH!!! What have I done? What What What!! How could I have posted to let the women in my life read the most personal parts of my life? How could I continue to write honestly and positively knowing that they might be reading it? UGH!!! Get out of my own way!

So I’ve started on the goals for 2013 and it feels good. The year feels positive, strong and amazing. Get out of my own way is one. TRAVEL is another; yep I have finally set a definite date to go to the Grand Canyon 3.22.13!!! San Francisco by 9.1.13, LA in May, and NEW YORK for Christmas!!! TRAVEL I am so excited!!!

Financially setting myself up is a focus this year and I’m focusing on the 52 week savings, as well as putting money into a travel account so I’m not struggling when the time of the trips come around.

LOVE!! I’m going to find love this year! I’m not going to settle and I’m not going to waste time on the necessaries in my love life. Decide move on and focus, he is out there and I am worth the work. Sure I’ll have my heart hicps, I’ll have my hopes popped, and my tears. But in the long run I will find him and he will find me and TADA!!! LOVE will occur!!

Get out of my own way!! For if I don’t a traffic jam of life will occur and that’s never a pleasant feeling!  
 

 

A New Year, New starts, New passions, New goals, or is it?

Happy New Year 2013. The New Year is always a washing of the past, its a way to start again, to made right the wrongs of the past years, to start that diet, new love, new book, new goals. Its the starting of new goals that you may or may not finish. Its the beginning of another year of setting ones self up for failure, success, heart ache, rewards.

Like all the other MILLIONS of BILLIONS of people on earth I have set new goals and paths for myself in the new year. I have high hopes for 2013, love, peace, career, and health. All Perfectly acceptable goals to set. 

So as the past year is washed away so are the regrets, the mistakes, the things we didn't accomplish, the negativity of the last year and washed clean with the possiblities of the new. 

Happy NEW YEAR!!