The darkenss creeps back.

For the first time in quite a few years I feel the dreaded feelings coming back. I see the darkness creeping in and the feeling of losing it. I thought I could shake it off, stay busy with the girls, concentrate on work, take care of the important things, car, health, bills. If I stayed focused the darkness would subside again and the light would shine through once again. Tonight I feel lost, completely totally lost as though the darkness can envelope me and I wouldn't care. 

Who do I reach out to? Who do I ask for help? What do I ask for? How do you explain to someone that you're having an attack, but not really knowing what the attack is. How do you settle ones heart when you know there is no solution? How do you deal with the darkness when the light seems just as drab. 

Tonight I wanted a man in my life. A man who would hold my hand, and truly deeply care about me. when my car decided to break down right outside my door, I started to cry as I sat in her begging her to start. My thoughts were screaming WHY!! Why me? Why now? I just spent $700 on her a few weeks ago and was planning about $400 on new tires next month, but now completely DEAD!! Why? It's when I felt the most alone in a long long time. Its the first time that I have even wished I was still married so at least I could just give the keys to my ex and let him take care of the broken down car. But I can't, tomorrow I have to deal with it all on my own, I have to suck it up accept the fact that I am single and alone and a broken car. 

I told yumminess today good bye. The panic has taken over, I know logical that its the best thing and that if I just breathe and take one step at a time, one day at a time, it will get better. But the still underlying feelings of the past 9 years yells out NO, and hopes that he would do the same. Alas unreasonable expectations from someone who can't admit his feelings or willing to move along from his past. 

So I fight off the creeping darkness, the depression, the lack of care for anything really and pray that the light with shine through brighter and stronger once again, soon.