Mixed emotions.

How can one be excited and happy about two relationships in their life while feeling so sad about another one changing? It’s so confusing.

I’ve been blessed to enter into a new relationship with an incredibly sexy (to me) man. Someone who makes me feel sexy, wanted and protected. Poppa and him have met and they seem to have hit off. Things are in a good place with Poppa, communication, support and love all around.

So why am I so sad? Why do I feel so unfulfilled, so lost?

I let puppy out of consideration this weekend. It was one of the most painful things I have done. I’ve let subs go in the past but puppy she was different. She had become a part of my heart, my family, and my life. I didn’t realize how much she had filled in my life and saying I’m struggling with the change is an understatement.  I know it was for the best and we are working on trying to rekindle the friendship without the D/s. But it’s hard. It’s hard to feel like you failed someone, like you failed yourself, that you weren’t up for the challenge. It’s hard to admit that it didn’t work, that you had to walk away. All normal feelings when any relationship ends, but some how a D/s dynamic/relationship ending seems to be more difficult.

They met!!!

So K and A sat down and had dinner a few nights ago. I was so nervous and had no reason to be. I have chosen two amazing men to be partners in my life. They don't know it yet but they really are a lot alike in things. The best feeling is to know that both my partners are respectful of each other and protective of me. 

K of course knows me so much better and has my lil side in his hand. He's seen me in my worst times, and has gone through some of the most amazing things over the years. He is my home, my favorite comedian, my best friend, protector, hero. He is amazing

A he is a younger version of K. He is smart, sexy, funny, protective and I'm excited to see where this will go. 

The NRE scares the shit out of me. I'm scared of not being fair to K, of spending to much time with A. I seem to want to spend all my time with him and I think about him constantly. That's not fair to K, I need to do something to make him know that I still love him and that he will always be first in my life. 

BUT THEY MET!!! That was amazing! Now don't screw it up. :P 

When you turn into the weepy drunk girl

UGH!!! So K & I came back from our trip early. It was a nice little get away, was wonderful to see his dad and visit Tombstone. K is everything I have ever wanted in a husband and best friend he is my home and I love him. 

Being poly is not easy. I never thought it would be, but I also really never thought I would care about my other partner as I do A. I've fallen for him and fallen hard, I keep telling myself its not the dreaded L word that its more of the NRE, but than the weepy drunk girl came out last night and decided SHE just HAD to tell him. 

So she did, she told him in her drunken state that she as falling for him, she also said she knew that tomorrow he was going to wake and say this is all too much! But he didn't, he's still here, he's still around and well I still have the NRE 

When family Christmas plans change!

So this shouldn’t bother me but it does. For the past year my brother has been talking about coming down to SD for the holidays. I’ve been really excited about seeing him and finally having a family holiday together again. Well last night my mum tells me they aren’t going to be here for Christmas. They are going to go up to Washington State for 3 months. I was so pissed; I didn’t hold back, I even said I thought she was being selfish. She then comes back on me saying well it’s a lot of work and yadda yadda yadda, are you going to come over and help? FUCK!!! I work! Everyone around me wants me to do everything and all I want to do is have Christmas with my family. I felt awful about saying to her that I thought they were being selfish because it had been talked about for a year, but it’s truly how I feel, but then I felt selfish about saying that and feeling selfish myself.

The sucky thing is that then she says well we don’t know because it depends on the construction and I’m all I’m not going to wait on that and last minute change plans. No if you aren’t having Christmas here than I’ll make other plans.  I told K today and he said yep just another example of your mom being an ass and not wanting to do anything that will inconvenience her. It’s so true; she seriously doesn’t want to and doesn’t think about anyone else’s feelings.  She’s an asshat.

So here I am feeling guilty over telling her she being selfish and feeling bad because saying that makes me look selfish, at the same time so mad at her right now that I don’t want to have anything to do with her.

We’ll figure Christmas out. We’ll do something at the house invite Puppy and A over, maybe a lunch game night or something. It’ll be fine

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GCB take 2

The Crazy Girl brain thoughts are back. I’m not really sure how I am feeling right now. I know I like A, I know I have strong feelings for him and I’m actually quite mixed about it.  I’m scared that I am headed for trouble and heartache, I’m nervous its going to ruin my marriage. I’m fearful that K is going to ask me to stop seeing A and then I get concerned that I should just be happy with K and adding others is just asking for trouble.

But I can’t. I love K with all my heart, but there is no excitement, there never has been. There is none of that I just have to see you, have to be near you. He’s my heart, my soul, my hero, my home, but the past few years has been so much stress, I can’t let him out of my life but I also wish that it was much more exciting and sexual.

A feels parts of me that I always push aside thinking that I shouldn’t crave, desire or what them. He fills the touch, the want, the raw desire, and yet at the same time I fear all of that for I am reminded of P and those same feelings and how it almost crushed me when it ended.

So what am I to do? How do I step away? Play hard to get? Make him respect and want me more? Do I ignore him? Do I play games? WHAT? Because right now I am really really sick and panicked with how I am feeling.

He told me last night that he was thinking of going to the club alone for Cday. I panicked not sure why. Actually that is not true, I know exactly why. I’m scared of losing him; I’m scared if I’m not there that he’ll find someone else that he likes better. Than the logical part of my brain says and so what if he does? Than what? If he’s not into you he’s not going to stay no matter what you do, so just let him do what he wants to do.  That’s so much easier to say than it is to write or believe.  I just want to be happy and I feel at the moment that I am walking on a very thin string any moment can break.

I truly wonder what K thinks about this all, is he really okay with it? Or am I just being controlling and just making him go along with it? I feel a bit guilty because of K and him and now I’m seeing someone new. This just seems so unfair and so well confusing.

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I have so many things to talk to K about this weekend on our trip. I’m hoping that some time away from SD will help us to reconnect and communicated. It will be nice to have all that time to just relax and get rest.