GCB take 2

The Crazy Girl brain thoughts are back. I’m not really sure how I am feeling right now. I know I like A, I know I have strong feelings for him and I’m actually quite mixed about it.  I’m scared that I am headed for trouble and heartache, I’m nervous its going to ruin my marriage. I’m fearful that K is going to ask me to stop seeing A and then I get concerned that I should just be happy with K and adding others is just asking for trouble.

But I can’t. I love K with all my heart, but there is no excitement, there never has been. There is none of that I just have to see you, have to be near you. He’s my heart, my soul, my hero, my home, but the past few years has been so much stress, I can’t let him out of my life but I also wish that it was much more exciting and sexual.

A feels parts of me that I always push aside thinking that I shouldn’t crave, desire or what them. He fills the touch, the want, the raw desire, and yet at the same time I fear all of that for I am reminded of P and those same feelings and how it almost crushed me when it ended.

So what am I to do? How do I step away? Play hard to get? Make him respect and want me more? Do I ignore him? Do I play games? WHAT? Because right now I am really really sick and panicked with how I am feeling.

He told me last night that he was thinking of going to the club alone for Cday. I panicked not sure why. Actually that is not true, I know exactly why. I’m scared of losing him; I’m scared if I’m not there that he’ll find someone else that he likes better. Than the logical part of my brain says and so what if he does? Than what? If he’s not into you he’s not going to stay no matter what you do, so just let him do what he wants to do.  That’s so much easier to say than it is to write or believe.  I just want to be happy and I feel at the moment that I am walking on a very thin string any moment can break.

I truly wonder what K thinks about this all, is he really okay with it? Or am I just being controlling and just making him go along with it? I feel a bit guilty because of K and him and now I’m seeing someone new. This just seems so unfair and so well confusing.

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I have so many things to talk to K about this weekend on our trip. I’m hoping that some time away from SD will help us to reconnect and communicated. It will be nice to have all that time to just relax and get rest.