Struggles of divorce

Life’s funny sometimes. Marrying K in 2016, I thought that I had found my life partner, things weren’t perfect but they were good, or so I pretended and told myself. If I’m honest with myself we were never good, how can a relationship be good when only one person is truly doing anything to make it work? 

K never wanted sex from me, allowed me to stress over money and providing for us yet never went out of his way to try and help us get ahead. I’m angry about it as more and more time passes since we split, I feel taken advantage of, I feel used. He’ll say he didn’t but all his actions and what not show he did. 

Did I love him? I think I did, he kept me safe for 4 years, he helped me through a lot of things, but I don’t know if I truly ever loved him, there as never any lust, there was never any passion, it was just always knowing he was there.

Today I look back on the past 4 years and think what did I do? How could I have gone through with a marriage, and supporting him and all of that? Oh I know I was lonely and scared of being alone. I’m still scared of being alone, but I am at the point now that I also know that I am okay, I’m losing weight (45 lbs. so far), steering myself back to a healthy place in life,  have a good man supporting me and new friends that are amazing.

So why do I still struggle with the fact that my marriage is over and feel like such a failure? 

Why lie?

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We’re already separated, we’re getting a divorce it’s inevitable. I’m moving out in two days so why lie? Are you trying to protect me? from what? From the fact that I financially supported you for the past 2 years? From the fact that you really never loved me, but felt pressured into marrying me? From the fact that you continued on your affair lying after you said it was over? 

What? What are you protecting me from? 

The truth is you LIED!! YOU LIED to my face over and over and over and over, you made me a fool. I supported you, I worked to make our marriage better, I wanted us to work, and for what? to be lied to, to be used, to be a laughing stock. I need to cut ties with you, to cut you from my life. 

I'll be civil, I'll be kind, I'll be the best I can be, but be sure of this I'll be and am Done. 

People's Opinions don't always have to matter

We’re getting separated; divorce is just around the corner. So what do I do with this? It seems so strange to be realizing that in 4 more days my stuff will no longer be at his mom’s house, that lil by lil we are separating our lives. How could I have been so wrong about everything 2 years ago? How I could I have not seen that nothing would change?

I picked up mum from the airport yesterday, she’s home to pack up the house and get it ready to be sold. Seems so strange that my parents aren’t going to just be up the freeway.  I’ll be honest I’m pretty sad they are moving, but also know that its for the best for them.  I just always thought I would be the one to take care of them, as they got older not my brother. Alas such is life.

Mum decided I needed to know their opinion on the soon to be ex hubs last night. It was pretty harsh and although I agree with a lot of what she said. It was still hard to hear. My mind has been spinning about all the decisions I made the past few years, about what I could have done differently, what I should have done, the thing is if I continue to dwell on the negative of all of this I miss the positives and the beautiful things that have come out of it.

I had a beautiful relationship with a man that taught me a million different things over the past 4 years.

I loved a man that loved me the best way he could, and protected me every chance he could.

I had a man that supported me in my endeavors and held my hand when they didn’t succeed.

I meet a man that loved road trips as much as I do. A man who made me laugh, and smile event when I didn’t want to.

I met someone who I hope I helped heal from past pains and realize he deserves to be happy and loved.

Although he may no longer be a main part of my life going forward, he has and always will have a part of my heart. He has helped me find my current path, one that lead me to A, and helped me become healthier physically, stronger mentally, and build a shield against the community. 

So enough of the negative, its time to move forward to focus on the good and know that people are going to have their opinions and its okay, the only thing that matters now is how we react to it, treat each other and find our happiness apart.

Not the Valentine's I expected

His wedding ring was sitting on the bathroom counter. Not sure why I didn’t think about that. Seeing it sitting there all alone, on the counter, discarded like an old penny. My heart sank realizing that the end of our marriage is really happening. Everything seems so sudden and so permanent. Permanent well it is, our marriage is officially over. I’ll be moving my belongings out next weekend, haven’t been back since Vegas. My dog is now his, my former life seems so like an old calendar written with appointments, birthdays, memories that I no longer fit into.

4 years of my life, a year of marriage and like that is over. I know we are doing the right thing. Well I know I am doing the right thing, we weren’t happy. This isn’t what marriage is about or like.  You should be happy, and we weren’t. I love him, I truly do, so much so that I am letting him go to find that happiness he deserves. I feel confident about that, I feel like we’ve made the right decision, so why does seeing that lonely wedding ring on the bathroom counter make me heart drop?