Life’s funny sometimes. Marrying K in 2016, I thought that I
had found my life partner, things weren’t perfect but they were good, or so I
pretended and told myself. If I’m honest with myself we were never good, how
can a relationship be good when only one person is truly doing anything to make
it work?
K never wanted sex from me, allowed me to stress over money and
providing for us yet never went out of his way to try and help us get ahead.
I’m angry about it as more and more time passes since we split, I feel taken
advantage of, I feel used. He’ll say he didn’t but all his actions and what not
show he did.
Did I love him? I think I did, he kept me safe for 4 years, he
helped me through a lot of things, but I don’t know if I truly ever loved him,
there as never any lust, there was never any passion, it was just always
knowing he was there.
Today I look back on the past 4 years and think what did I
do? How could I have gone through with a marriage, and supporting him and all
of that? Oh I know I was lonely and scared of being alone. I’m still scared of
being alone, but I am at the point now that I also know that I am okay, I’m
losing weight (45 lbs. so far), steering myself back to a healthy place in
life, have a good man supporting me and
new friends that are amazing.
So why do I still struggle with the fact that my marriage is
over and feel like such a failure?
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