Boxes and more boxes in your head

Two days ago I was overwhelmed by life and my feelings with A. Since then so many people have reached out and I totally appreciate it but I also feel so overwhelmed by it. I don’t want to have to explain or talk about it over and over and over and over again.

BOXES! That’s what I have been trying to do since Monday. Put everything into boxes, can I handle this right now? Can I change the outcome? Put it in a box. I told S that and he said that I tend to not want to deal with things.

I don’t know I feel like if I say anything to anyone I’m judged right now, the anger is there from so many people. It might have been easier to have actually gone through with it on Monday.  These feelings of not knowing what I am feeling are overwhelming.

I know logically I should break it off with A, he doesn’t deserve me. He doesn’t want me the same way that I want him. But I feel so overly clingy right now and have no idea how to handle all this.

I just want to go home and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep. I want everything to just go away.

Can I put that in a box also?

Stages of Divorce

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I realize I am in the acceptance stage of the separation. But I’m also angry and sometimes sad. This week I have been angry with him and angry with myself.

Angry at myself for going through with the marriage when I knew better. Angry that I was so lonely and wanting to be married that I settled AGAIN! Angry that I allowed myself to fall so below who I really am and allowed him to just financially drain me. Angry that I really thought he loved me. Angry at myself for still wanting to do the best for him and feeling guilty for not paying his bills, which is just stupid as fuck of me. I’m just Angry!

But what I am realizing more than anything is that I am at the stage that I ANGRY at him.  I’m angry that he took financial advantage of me for 2 years. That he didn’t really do anything to try and help us get ahead. I’m angry that he didn’t comfort me or even thank me for the struggles that I went through to get us ahead or even just to stay a float. I didn’t have to struggle like that, we didn’t have to. He could have done something to make money. He could have easily made money by driving uber or something. I don’t know but the thing I’m angry at the most is that he lied to me. He lied because he said it is easier than having a confrontation. WTF! Seriously? So you lie because you couldn’t be honest in an open marriage? STUPID!!!

The anger and the WTF thought are there, I read today” acceptance doesn’t mean you don’t still have negative emotions about your divorce. You may still feel some anger, there may still be sadness at the loss of your marriage” I truly believe that is where I am and I am working on allowing my life to move forward, I have to just allow myself to process through the emotions.  

Swirl the mind back to mindfulness

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My mind is swirling over so many things and really what do I care? Do I care that BFF2 has me blocked? Do I care that they probably are talking smack about me and people are like see we told you? At this point does it matter what people in the community think about me? UGH!!! So annoying that my mind is just swirling about it all, I’m not in the community and to be honest if I could just give up the conference I so would. But at this point I can’t so I have to power on.

Today I got notice that my wages are being garnished for my 2015 taxes. WHAT!! As if this year wasn’t messed up enough. UGH! Seriously can I just have one thing going for me?  Well I do have a few things, A, a place to live, my dog, and well my job so far that I’m not fired. Although I am very close to it. :/

So I need to work on staying in mindfulness and looking at the positives in my life.