GRRRRRRR I really want to Scream!!!

I don't know why but I have this over whelming want to SCREAM, Punch, or just hurt someone. I'm not happy. I'm irritated by almost everyone in my life and I can seriously find a reason to be upset at everyone else.

I was looking through my phone this evening trying to figure out which program friend I would feel comfortable with reaching out to and trying to get some of this anger and hurt off my chest to. When I realized there isn't anyone, because they are the people that are annoying the crap out of me. For one reason or another I have allowed what others have said to me about their needs and feelings effect me and have angered me. I don't know why, and I can't get past it.

Here it is another Wednesday night, program meeting night and I don't want to go!!! I don't I don't I don't!! *stomping feet like a 4 year old throwing a tantrum* I know I have to as my service work has till October, but I don't want to and that to me is a shame.

It just feels as though everyone in my life is moving on in some capacity and mostly relationship wise. My friends are either meeting and getting into relationships or getting married and I feel like I'm in this sinking sand of nothingness.

The overwhelming want to be in a relationship to want someone to stand up and say NO SHE"S MINE! is so overwhelming painful at the moment. I don't know why I fool myself there has never been anyone that would do that for me. Its only found in movies and romance novels, giving young girls unrealistic thoughts of love.

I'm trying to be positive and understanding of yumminess and his need to heal and work on himself but the feeling of hopelessness and sadness as times is painful. I have this belief in my heart that he is the one for me and I feel that we could be something extraordinary together versus ordinary alone, if he just gave us a chance. *heavy sigh*

I'm just not happy and I know this! I just don't know how to pull myself out of that sinking sand of what is my life right now and feel sated and happy. I just GRRRRRR want to SCREAM!!!!

So I guess this is so long.

Ever realize how the word Good Bye seems so final. We try to shorten it with bye, but it still seems so FINAL, especially when you are walking away from a friendship or a relationship that once might have been. Good Bye just seems so ending of something, like at a funeral, you're burying it 6 feet under to never have it surface again.

Why don't people say talk to you later, see you later, or so long, those seem like there is at least a chance that you will talk again. Not the FINALNESS of Good bye. How about till next time, or on the flip side? *smiles* something more positive. There is so much finalness to life as it is, to say GOOD BYE just seems to be something we could control.

I suppose I am thinking a lot again. Realizing that time alone does that to me, taking the time to feel my feelings. To understand the reasoning behind the anger, the hurt, the tears. Sometimes I realize things pretty quickly, other times I have to realize them over and over and over before I truly realize the answer or solution.

I'm been thinking a lot about that song, make new friends but keep the old. Not sure why but its been in my mind a lot. Makes me wonder what type of friend I am.

I realized and learned many years ago when I was addicted to an online chat room, that those weren't really friends. Friends are those people you share yourself with physically, mentally, and emotionally. They are the people in real life that you go to the movies with, watch the waves of the ocean, hold their hand over a broken heart.

I suppose as I try to understand myself and those relationships around me, the more I define those relationships in my life and move away from those that are not healthy, or happy.

Does it make me sad? Sure, I remind myself though......that This too shall pass.....after all it's not a Good bye, but a so long for now.

Anger

It's funny in a strange way but until about a month ago I would have told you that I have never felt anger. I have been disappointed, hurt, upset, sad, but anger? NOPE never.

Then a few weeks back in was in my car and noticed that I was cuzzing some woman out for driving to slow. A woman who I have never met before and will never see again, I was allowing something as trivial as her driving upset me to the point that I cuzzed her out. I was in fact angry. I have been struggling with these feelings for a few weeks trying to understand them and trying to figure out where they are coming from.

It was around the time that my monthly visitor was visiting so I thought it was just my hormones, but I'm still feeling that way a few weeks later. Today while visiting with a program friend of mine whom I haven't seen in MONTHS. I told her about this and she explained to me how her therapist stated that in the past anger was masked by something else. That through working the program we learn to release those other feelings to deal with them and so now we are left with the rawness of it, ANGER!

That made sense, perfect sense. I have been masking my anger over the situation with yumminess the past month with disappointment. I have been blaming the situation on myself and what I can't do to make it change. I have been sad that I wasn't (in my mind) good enough, or enough of this. I have been masking it and holding it in, When in reality I am ANGRY!

I'm ANGRY at him for leading me on this time, for telling me things that he couldn't provide. I'm ANGRY at myself for believing him. I'm ANGRY for not trusting him, and him not trusting me. I'm ANGRY that I allow him to affect me this way. I'm ANGRY at how quickly I got enmeshed again. I'm ANGRY that I knew better and still allowed it to happen. I'm ANGRY that he doesn't seem to care or hurt as I am. I'm ANGRY at yumminess and that is where it lies.

Yes I know I shouldn't be blogging about him anymore and that I promised 30 days no contact, I thought though this realization of my ANGER need to be released and may actually help to makes some sense on my recent reactions or posts.

Anger can be a healthy thing is dealt with correctly, so instead of trying to keep it in, in a positive constructive way I am going to express it and hopefully learn from it.

Strangeness of emotions and mind.

I don't really have any feelings that I can point out at the moment. I have a lot of feelings that I can't really make sense of. Today seemed to be one of those days that I should have stayed in bed from the moment I woke up.

I was suppose to go to the Lilith Fair concert today, woke up to a text from my GF who was extremely sick and not going to make it. *shrugs* well that sucked and things happen. So I went about trying to find someone else to go with me, no one was interested. So yet again the curse of that venue wins out on my not attending a concert there. Last year in March I was suppose to see Rascal Flatts in concert there and the day of the concert "The Past" tells me that he's sick and can't make it. WHAT!!! You know how long I have waited to see Rascal Flatts? Well needless to say that I now blame that venue for its curse on me. *smiles*That's my story and I'm sticking with it.

So the concert the started the day off icky and it got worse from there. Is there a full moon out? I then got a phone call from the church that my program holds their meetings at informing us that we are probably going to have to change meeting nights. We've held our meetings on the same night and the same location for over 5 years and they're giving us a 2 week notice? UGH!!!!

So then I am now at work and it just seems like everything under the sun in regards to Labor Compliance could go wrong today. It was stressful and crazy. I got through most of the issues and was able to go home as normal.

Then Cruiser Man and I were suppose to meet for dinner and I don't know mis-communication or something but he later texted saying he had other plans. HUH? I don't know I suppose I am just sorta mixed emotions on that.

and my thoughts are floating to Yumminess a bit tonight. Just lack of understanding. Yes Manwhore..I know 30 days. I have to restart that process as I messed it up today.

So the strangeness in my head is probably coming out in the strangeness of this blog. Just the strangeness of my mind and emotions at the moment.

Smittenness

The beginning of feeling like you are in love. Being smitten that bite of first crazy love that makes everything in life seem possible. I'm giddy today.

NO I'm not in love nor am I looking to be there. I'm giddy with the idea that one day soon I will be again, that knowledge and knowing that it is going to be amazing makes me giggle in glee.

Independence Day!

Happy Birthday America!!

What a busy weekend I had. Such an amazing weekend, started with a fun bonfire. Met some awesome new people from a meet-up group that I just joined. Lots of laughter, ghost stories, and even some police action on a neighboring fire pit. It reminded me that life is really about people, laughs and good times. I'm glad I went.

Sat. I attended my first helping the homeless event. We went downtown and passed out hygiene packs, sandwiches and clothes. Not only did I meet some great people within the group but meeting those that we were helping was amazing. It reminded me how lucky I truly am in all that I have in my life and how grateful I am to be able to help those less fortunate. I'm looking forward to getting more involved in this group and hopefully be able to bring some sponsors on board. Its good work to be helping others and exactly what service work is all about.
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Last night I met a new member of my meet-up group as we enjoyed a few drinks then saw the Eclipse movie. What a let down, it was truly a teen angst movie. I am glad that I read the book series before watching the movies. Speaking of reading, I really believe that reading is my passion in life. I adore books and the places they take you, the knowledge and the vocabulary lessons you receive from reading.

Today was the nicest, America's birthday and a fun BBQ at a friends home, with even more friends there. Relaxing, enjoyable, lots of food and chatter. I am ever so grateful on this day of independence for my freedom. For being born in the grand old United States of America, for the right to bear arms, vote, say what I feel. The right to be not be controlled in what I think, say or do. Isn't amazing to be an American?

So as this day of Independence wraps down, I find myself reflecting back and realizing what an amazing year I have had. A year of heartache, tears, laughter, joy, and most of all GROWTH! I am not the same woman I was last year this time. Nope, today I am a stronger, livelier, vibrant woman who is headed for freedom of chains, sorrow and pain. I see the fireworks blasting as I break out of the thoughts of can not and what ifs to a new stronger free er ME!