It's funny in a strange way but until about a month ago I would have told you that I have never felt anger. I have been disappointed, hurt, upset, sad, but anger? NOPE never.
Then a few weeks back in was in my car and noticed that I was cuzzing some woman out for driving to slow. A woman who I have never met before and will never see again, I was allowing something as trivial as her driving upset me to the point that I cuzzed her out. I was in fact angry. I have been struggling with these feelings for a few weeks trying to understand them and trying to figure out where they are coming from.
It was around the time that my monthly visitor was visiting so I thought it was just my hormones, but I'm still feeling that way a few weeks later. Today while visiting with a program friend of mine whom I haven't seen in MONTHS. I told her about this and she explained to me how her therapist stated that in the past anger was masked by something else. That through working the program we learn to release those other feelings to deal with them and so now we are left with the rawness of it, ANGER!
That made sense, perfect sense. I have been masking my anger over the situation with yumminess the past month with disappointment. I have been blaming the situation on myself and what I can't do to make it change. I have been sad that I wasn't (in my mind) good enough, or enough of this. I have been masking it and holding it in, When in reality I am ANGRY!
I'm ANGRY at him for leading me on this time, for telling me things that he couldn't provide. I'm ANGRY at myself for believing him. I'm ANGRY for not trusting him, and him not trusting me. I'm ANGRY that I allow him to affect me this way. I'm ANGRY at how quickly I got enmeshed again. I'm ANGRY that I knew better and still allowed it to happen. I'm ANGRY that he doesn't seem to care or hurt as I am. I'm ANGRY at yumminess and that is where it lies.
Yes I know I shouldn't be blogging about him anymore and that I promised 30 days no contact, I thought though this realization of my ANGER need to be released and may actually help to makes some sense on my recent reactions or posts.
Anger can be a healthy thing is dealt with correctly, so instead of trying to keep it in, in a positive constructive way I am going to express it and hopefully learn from it.
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This is me!
Over the years I’ve learned that everything bad will pass into a memory and everything good will burn a memory in to your heart.
I’ve taught myself to listen to the voices deep within myself; you know those gut feelings you have, the good & bad that help you think through the issues in your life. The ones that remind you that this too shall pass, and pass it will.
I share myself in my blog, the purest, rawest form of me. You may learn something about yourself (or me), react, commiserate or chuckle a little over my rants, what ever feelings that are drummed up just know that this is ME, as simple as that!
I’ve taught myself to listen to the voices deep within myself; you know those gut feelings you have, the good & bad that help you think through the issues in your life. The ones that remind you that this too shall pass, and pass it will.
I share myself in my blog, the purest, rawest form of me. You may learn something about yourself (or me), react, commiserate or chuckle a little over my rants, what ever feelings that are drummed up just know that this is ME, as simple as that!
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