Today.

The anniversary of my daughters 15th birthday is coming up and as the day gets closer the more I think about my life and what’s missing in it. The more I think about the choices, paths and turns I have taken, the closer it gets the more that I realize how alone I really am and the more that I miss having someone special in my life. The more I miss him. Moving on by Rascal Flatts came on my Pandora at work while I was thinking about all this and the song although it use to bring me such comfort for moving ahead in life, lately its brought me down and back to a time that sometimes I think I was happier. We’re not meant to be alone!; a friend of mine told me late last night, that one day my one will find me. Well couldn’t they hurry it up? *smiles* Because this loneliness seems a bit overwhelming at the moment, and to me honest I might actually be happy with just a right now sort of man/relationship, but really how healthy is that and in the end will I not feel worse about myself? Or my heart wondering why? The soul needs to be stroked, and embraced as the body does, our mental well being needs this to function and be happy. I’m not referring to the orgasmic release or crisis as D.H. Lawrence refers to it in Lady Chatterley’s Lover that the act of sex brings. No I’m referring to that connection between a couple, the after orgasm part. The bonding, the snuggling, the hug, the holding of hands…the physical ness of someone who generally cares and is connected to your being. So the voices inside my head are arguing about it all reminding me that this too shall pass and that in the end I am happier and fulfilled alone. While the romantic is screaming but I’d like someone to care about me…to hold me…to kiss me. Sometimes I really wish they would shut up! But that dreadful day looms closer and closer this year as it does every year and with it brings the thoughts of what if, why not, why me, and the reminder of the choices, paths and decisions I have made to bring me to today.