emotions and writing

Can you read my emotions in my writing?

It’s funny, I re-read my blog sometimes, a weeks ago, last months, last year, and it takes me right back to where I was and the emotions. Sometimes a song will do that also. The song Letters from home by John Michael Montgomery, takes me right back to my apartment in Escondido, my bedroom and missing Mike. It’s so vivid that I’m almost right there again.

I wonder sometimes if someone reading my blog can sense the emotions that aren’t being written out, the happiness, the excitement, the fear, anxiety, sadness, anger, tears. Wait are tears an emotion, if not they should be. *smiles*

is that real?

How can it hurt after only knowing someone for a few days? How can you cry so much over letting someone go? How can something you normally enjoyed have no taste, no smell, no color? Its strange how the heart effects the mind, soul and body. How letting go of something you thought you knew or cared for can suddenly turn your all together life into shambles. Leaving you to pick up and glue the pieces back together again. When will the glue no longer be strong enough to stick, each break makes it wobblier, and the cracks wider, when will the glue just give way and you'll no longer see yourself or even the pieces you once were.

I’m my worst enemy.

No one else has to ruin my relationships, I do it all on my own before even really having a relationship. *sighs* I met a wonderful man online a little less then a week ago, and we connected amazingly. Bottom lines where matching and things seemed to be going pretty good, he even sent me flowers to work. His feelings although stronger than mine and scared me a bit only because I know how sometimes you may think you connect with someone via the internet AWESOMELY but then in person not so much.

He surprised me this past Monday showing up to take me to a lovely sushi dinner. It was great and I really felt something. He left a beautiful letter with me that scared me a bit but I thought okay this is handle able.

Feeling very anxious filled last night I did a bunch of journaling, meditating, and just thinking a lot about the situation and thought to myself what is the worst that can happen? A broken heart, well I’ve had those and survived, so why not go all into it. So I texted him telling him I wasn’t going to be seeing or sleeping with anyone else to give us 100% of my thoughts. I thought this would make him happy, but it has seemed maybe that now that I am making myself available to give myself to the relationship maybe that is scaring him. He told me that he wanted me to see others, to not give my life up, if I need the physical release to do it. That he was going to seek a FWB in his area. So what do I do? I agree okay if you say so. I just agree and give in, instead of saying no that’s not what I want. So I agree.

Then I walk away, I walk away and say that I think its better to just part ways, that we obviously want different things. He just got divorced he wants to fool around and have fun, he doesn’t need someone like me and all that I am looking for. So I told him that I think its best for us to just part ways.

So why do I feel like the wind left my sails? Why do I feel like crying? Oh I know why because I already feel, fell for him, and him telling me that just made me think that all he wants is sex, and if I give in he won’t want me for me. *shrugs* I sometimes am silly for believing men. He told me that he wanted to get to know me, to be there and help me work through the hurts together. Just another honeymoon stage of relationships, just spout off whatever, say things to make the other one like you. *sighs* Why did I fall for it again? Why do I think that when a man is telling me things that what he is telling is the truth?

*shrugs* I’m my own worse enemy, pushing people away. You’d think that if someone really cared about me they wouldn’t let me go so easily. There’s your sign. *sighs*

Unsavy situations

I've put myself in numerous dangerous places or I should say unsavy situations before in the past, but today was probably one of the scariest.

I spent the day with Jess, we saw Horrible Bosses leaving the movie I checked my phone and found this text from a number I didn't recognize accusing me of having him jumped. I texted back stating I'm sorry I think you have the wrong number, just to find out that it was actually little j. I didn't realize this till I was at the Santee Sheriff's station to file a report, the Sheriff called little j and told him to leave me alone. It actually hit me a lot scarier than I thought it would but it did, tomorrow I will be going to the El Cajon court house to file a RO. I should have done this a year ago. *sighs* I really do care about little j, but you can't care about everyone or help them.


T and I had a talk this evening it was nice and healthy and I am truly looking forward this coming weekend.

He's Haunting my thoughts.

Haunting my thoughts this new someone special, how do I continue on my path with someone haunting my thoughts? I haven't even met him yet and my thoughts, actions, and behaviors seem to be reflecting how it might effect him that is a dangerous dangerous place to be.

Fate and the Wind have other plans

Sometimes fate throws you a connection with someone that you can’t quite understand. It’s funny because logically I know to not fall for online chemistry, that its really all about the real life experiences. People can be any one they want online, but sometimes just sometimes you seem to have this connection with someone online that you can’t explain away.

You hear all the time about people chatting online and then leaving their spouses or meeting the other person and falling madly in love. My good GF E is a PERFECT example of that. After being married 3 times by the time she was 30, she had meet a guy online and they chatted for close to 2 years before she decided to visit him in Toledo. It was suppose to be a 2 week trip which has turned into close to 3 years now and they were married 6 months after she went out there.

So why am I fighting this chemistry that I am feeling with someone? Is it fear of getting hurt? Is it the fear of being lead down the wrong path again? Have my walls of protection gone up so far that I don’t know how to tear them down? I remember a time when I use to the tell The Past that falling in love or giving someone a chance was worth the fall, that it only hurts when you hit the ground and sometimes you get lucky and have a parachute that guides you to the beauty and safety of the fall. So why can’t I take this own advice and allow myself to fall?

He seems to fit what I am looking for in life not just the normal everyday things the wants of a relationship etc, but the other side of me most people only glimpse but don’t understand, the truth beneath those 6 layers of life.

So why am I so afraid that the parachute will have a hole in it again and smack into the ground? Sometimes you have to just trust the wind and the sail to take you were it leads you.

silly woman

I seriously am one of the silliest women I possibly have ever in my life met. And I mean I’ve met myself a time or two. Why is it so fricken hard to let go of someone that you know you would be settling for and that they have told you over and over that they can’t give you want it is that you need or wanting? Why?

I’ve told myself over and over let M go. Just walk away, just let him go. He’s not the one for you, he doesn’t want you, and he’s just not there. But something still pulls me back every time I’m horny or lonely, it’s not like the sex is the most amazing I have ever had but it is safe and comforting. It’s like coming home after a long vacation.

So knowing this why is it that I seem to do this pull push pull push thing with him? Is it the fact that he says he wants to let me in, is it that he says he’s working on confiding in me, that he SAYS. He SAYS a lot! But he NEVER does anything about it.

Here I am sitting at my desk at work crying my eyes out and wondering when my life is going to turn around. After not being on my medicine for a week I finally was able to get it refilled today but I am still very dizzy and light headed. On top of that the antibiotics that the Doctors gave me are making my tummy really upset.

Pull it together S and think about work. Yeah that’s it think about work and happier things. I think maybe its time to go back to a meeting. Maybe if I start singing hi ho hi ho its off to work I go I'll feel better. *smiles*