No one else has to ruin my relationships, I do it all on my own before even really having a relationship. *sighs* I met a wonderful man online a little less then a week ago, and we connected amazingly. Bottom lines where matching and things seemed to be going pretty good, he even sent me flowers to work. His feelings although stronger than mine and scared me a bit only because I know how sometimes you may think you connect with someone via the internet AWESOMELY but then in person not so much.
He surprised me this past Monday showing up to take me to a lovely sushi dinner. It was great and I really felt something. He left a beautiful letter with me that scared me a bit but I thought okay this is handle able.
Feeling very anxious filled last night I did a bunch of journaling, meditating, and just thinking a lot about the situation and thought to myself what is the worst that can happen? A broken heart, well I’ve had those and survived, so why not go all into it. So I texted him telling him I wasn’t going to be seeing or sleeping with anyone else to give us 100% of my thoughts. I thought this would make him happy, but it has seemed maybe that now that I am making myself available to give myself to the relationship maybe that is scaring him. He told me that he wanted me to see others, to not give my life up, if I need the physical release to do it. That he was going to seek a FWB in his area. So what do I do? I agree okay if you say so. I just agree and give in, instead of saying no that’s not what I want. So I agree.
Then I walk away, I walk away and say that I think its better to just part ways, that we obviously want different things. He just got divorced he wants to fool around and have fun, he doesn’t need someone like me and all that I am looking for. So I told him that I think its best for us to just part ways.
So why do I feel like the wind left my sails? Why do I feel like crying? Oh I know why because I already feel, fell for him, and him telling me that just made me think that all he wants is sex, and if I give in he won’t want me for me. *shrugs* I sometimes am silly for believing men. He told me that he wanted to get to know me, to be there and help me work through the hurts together. Just another honeymoon stage of relationships, just spout off whatever, say things to make the other one like you. *sighs* Why did I fall for it again? Why do I think that when a man is telling me things that what he is telling is the truth?
*shrugs* I’m my own worse enemy, pushing people away. You’d think that if someone really cared about me they wouldn’t let me go so easily. There’s your sign. *sighs*
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