Freedom of speech and Facebook

Seriously hilarious...Isn't America the land of the free. The Freedom of FREE SPEECH without repurcussions, yet when I express my views about illegal immigration in this country on MY Facebook page friends of mine of Hispanic descent take offense and delete me. I think really? SERIOUSLY?

I was raised and have accepted that not everyone is going to have the same views as me, that's what makes this country so vitally amazing! But I don't agree with someone bashing me or getting offended because my views aren't the same as theirs. If everyone thought the same we would be living in a cult! It humours me, while shocking me every time it happens.

Today I posted the following:
If you cross the N. Korean border illegally, you get 12 yrs. hard labor. If you cross the Afghanistan border illegally, you get shot. If you cross the U.S. border illegally you get a job, a driver's license, food stamps, a place to live, health care, housing & child benefits, education, & tax free business for 7 yrs..... AND they want US to speak THEIR language!!!! No wonder we are a country in debt.

Its a true statement with a bit of humor in it...but regardless its true. Having been married to a MEXICAN from deep in the depths of Mexico I have experienced personally immigration situations both in Mexico and the US. My ex husband was an illegal when I married him and we went through 5 years of torture, let down, abiding by the law to get him legal in this country. While living in Mexico myself I was imprisoned for 2 days while the local policia checked on my immigration paperwork, under the impression that it was illegal. Mexico doesn't let you work, live or visit past the borders illegally. Why does the US allow it?

*shaking head* It humors and pains me that US citizens & immigrants in this gracious country are so quick to jump on those whose views are different than their own, with out realizing that the constitution and the freedom of speech is a vital part of what makes this country for grand!

Lessons on life....20 years in the making

Last night I attended my 20 year High School reunion. I’m sure everyone is nervous to attend theirs, have apprehension and not sure if they want to attend. I wouldn’t be any different as my nerves were wrapped up in a ball. But I ventured off with my HOT date and we went to celebrate the evening.

When attending your HS reunion what does one expect? To bond with old friends, catch up and maybe even show off a little? I’m sure it’s all of that, the problem for me was that I wasn’t really close to anyone my senior year from my graduating class. My best friends were my friends from youth group and we all attended different HS’s. So it was a bit bitter sweet to attend, sure it was nice to see old faces and see how people have grown and matured, but it also made me realize that I wasn’t really close to anyone in my graduating class. Is that sad? *sighs*

The evening wasn’t a flop but I suppose feeling like the forever bridesmaid and never a bride, can wear on a person after awhile, and last night that’s how I felt. The positive was that J was there being supportive, sexy, loving and himself. *smiles*

Speaking of J, ever met someone that is so hot you wonder why they are with you? That’s J, I mean I understand why I’m seeing him, but not so much him me. He’s HOT and Michelle told me today to not over analyze it because that is when you ruin things when you keep asking why someone is with you. So I am just going with the flow, enjoying the time together and getting to know each other better. Not pushing or running forward, lol I can’t not really, since he has his boys and that will make sure we stay grounded.

I attended film out with Michelle today and we watched an amazing short film called Johnny & Lyman. It’s the love story of 2 gay men who had been together for 65 years. Unfortunately Lyman passed away last month, but the documentary telling about their lives together, how they meet, and lived through 65 years as a gay loving couple was touching, poignant and beyond words. I can’t even explain how their story shows that love straight or gay is powerful of cherished and nurtured. The advice they give to other couples on how to maintain healthy loving relationships touched my heart. I hope the for all mankind, that regardless of your sexual preference that you can see into the truth of their message and be as touched by it as I have been.

Just one unscrambled egg!

I sometimes wonder how I can have feelings for one person yet date others. *sighs* I know that I care about M but I also know that we aren’t together and I have to live my life. Okay I know all this mentally but sometimes emotionally it gets all confuzzled.

Last weekend I meet a guy Charlie (yes that’s a new name to date for me) *smiles* Anyhow Charlie meet me at a CC event I attended and was every bit the gentleman. Paid for a few drinks, asked if he could kiss me, held the doors open, held my hand when we walked over to Denny’s, kissed me good bye. It was nice, and I really enjoyed kissing him. Sat comes around he texts me through out the day, asks me to dinner and a movie for Sunday, I asked if he wanted to attend that evenings pool party for CC. Things seemed to be going well.

TILL….wait for it…

He texts me stating that he’s still married, they are legally separated, he has 3 boys and that if that is bottom line for me he totally understands. The difference between him and M was that he actually MADE time and made it a point to tell me that although he is active with his boy’s baseball and sports, that he makes time for the woman he is dating. So although he was still married and dating a married man is a sensitive issue for me, I decide to move forward and see where things may go.

At the pool party Sat evening we get to know each other better, he tells me about his wife, his ex GF (I should have thought that was a flag, instead of the wife) and just confides in me. Well I warn him as I do any man who I am thinking of dating, that I have some issues such as I tend to be insecure in relationships till I trust the person, that I get needy, and jealous at times. Well he didn’t ask me to expand and I didn’t think much about it. I guess I live by the theory that if I was a man I would appreciate a woman who is open and honest up front about her flaws, then someone who I date for a few months and find out on my own that she’s psycho.

BUT NOPE…wait for it…

Everything seems fine, he comes to my home after the party we talk a bit more, then it gets awkward and he leaves. He kisses me good night. The next morning I wake up to an email from him telling me how awesome I am, smart, sexy, amazing. But that the jealousy and needy parts that I mentioned the night before makes him think we aren’t a good match. I thought to myself REALLY, You’re going to do it this way, on email? How assholey is that? I texted him and said that, then told him good luck. You’d think that was the end of it…but NO!!!

He still texts, and now thinks that we should sleep together. UHH WHAT? Really where do men think that I am going to spread my legs for them? If I’m not good enough to date WHY OH WHY am I good enough to fuck? Seriously? OH *rolling eyes* I forgot they think with the penis.

I am grateful that he decided we weren’t a good fit. Since that email I have seen other sides of him that cause me to shake my head thinking really? Dude you need some HELP and FAST. For example, he’s still in love with his ex gf, and always will be, he freely admits this. He’s ego’s so LARGE, I am surprisedit allows him to get through the door at times and he’s very materialistic. I know you’re probably thinking dear blog that I am only saying this because he rejected me, but its not, its realizing and seeing beyond that first twinge of attraction.

The funny thing is that Charlie wants to remain friends. I have explained to him that to remain friends with him we can not talk sexual, he can not send me pictures of his body and if we did hang out he could NOT kiss me. He doesn’t understand this. I think he thinks that because I am a larger woman that I can’t get a man to have sex with. OH contraire my dear I can get laid very easily, the problem is who will I WANT to get laid by?

I suppose the lesson in this dating scene once again is don’t put all your eggs in one basket, get to know someone before you think they might be dating material, and realize that we all are a bit of cracked eggs. *sighs* Can I meet just one that’s not so scrambled inside?

Reminders that the program is always with you.

Last night in almost a year I realized how the program has helped me and that reaching out sometimes when you need it is only a text or phone call way.

I’m having some HUGE anxiety over this situation with Jess and the guy she’s now seeing. I’m not really sure why. This brought me to last night and reaching out to three of my friends from the program and thank to the heavens that one was able to talk. Just bouncing off her and reminding me to use the steps has helped. I think I need to get to a meeting just to be able to get some strength in how to handle things.

So I am reminded that I am powerless over others and their actions and that although I might have a really bad vibe from J, that I have to let Jess go about her business and find out on her own. She’s a good girl and I worry that she will get hurt, but the only way you learn is to get hurt. She’s just so damn influence able. *sighs*

So learning all these things about J last night didn’t help me, it just if anything reiterates what I was already feeling about him. But it doesn’t really matter as I have said Jess has to come to this understanding and realization all on her own.

So now how do I handle this and are there any deeper feelings that are causing these issues? I’m not attracted to him at all so that’s not it. Is it that Jess has someone else to hang out with besides me these days? I don’t think so…maybe a twing. Could it be that I know what I am feeling is right and I’m upset that she’s not following my advice? Well damnit of course…lol that’s what a codey does. But that is my issue not hers and I have to remind myself of that. I think it’s a little bit of all of this, and they are all my issues and I know this so I have to adjust, process and manage without doing further damage to Jess and my relationship. I owe her apology and I think Sunday I will give her one.

Dang it journaling does help…I need to get back to doing it everyday.

What else is bothering me?

Well for one LA T. GRRR I allowed myself to get suckered into giving him a what third chance, thank heavens it was all talk. So this entire issue with him coming for a visit and the entire flirting/talking to other women thing. I have no right to be upset I know this. But my jealousy and the fact that I feel like I’m being used by him coming down hurts, knowing how he really feels about me and not feeling a chemistry, I think to myself why are you even coming down then? OH yes because you want pussy and will drive 2 hours for it, thinking you’ll get it. The thing is I’m not that desperate for cock, and getting it from M would be much easier and not screw with my head, so why am I allowing this man to come down and use me this way? Is it the wanting of someone to be around me, a male someone? That’s some of it I know, but at the same time I need to respect myself and my body and by allowing him to come down will not allow that…so it’s for the best that I walked away last night. Besides this opens him up to be able to enjoy the drama of Cali and all of them on that site. So I deleted my profile from that site, going to stay away, why well because it’s a pretty poisonous place.

I know I know some of this is triggered by my issues and I am working on them, but working on them and allowing someone to disrespect me is totally different.
*sighs* Why can’t M just see what’s in front of him? *sighs* I miss…oh that’s another day.

body hurts

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I so dislike feeling out of sorts. I don't know what is going on with me my body feels like its falling apart, my head is pounding, my vajaja has a cold, and my stomach feels constantly like I'm gonna puke.

My body hurts which effects my mind, which effects my emotions. UGH!!! I feel like I'm falling apart!

Sleep.

I wish that sleep could come and stay. I can’t seem to get enough of it lately. I go to bed and I’m exhausted but some where in the middle of the night I wake up and toss and turn. What is on my mind? Money? Work? Love? My Friends? I don’t know it seems as though I can’t really seem to feel comfortable at the moment with anything in my life. I go to work and don’t want to work, or seem that I waste the entire day screwing around online, then I come home and do that same. *Sighs* so what is wrong with me?

I told myself that I am going to get out this weekend into the sun and spend very little money. Maybe I can go see my niece and spend some time with her. I don’t know. It is life and it is funny and I have been down and I don’t like that. *sigh*

He’s on my mind and I don’t know why, he’s words on a screen like all the others, do I dare say it’s different? The words are the same, what will the actions be?

So calling someone home is a bad thing. *sighs*

I try to write honestly about what’s going in my life, I try to verbalize nicely what I am feeling, and I try to do it in a way that well just is me. But I’m learning that maybe just maybe I shouldn’t be honest at all.

It’s been a difficult 8 days. After not feeling well for a few weeks I made a doctor’s appointment, last week. Come to find out that I have been fostering a bacterial infection, UGH!!! It’s been so painful now 7^th day on the meds and I feel really emotional and fragile. To top it off today L.A.~ T tells me that his ex wife is going to be moving into his condo for three months while she gets back on her feet. Talk about a wrench being thrown into the already confusion and emotions about him and me. So we have decided to be friends, whatever that means. There is anger, and mistrust and hurt feelings, and to tell you dear blog the truth not really sure what I’m feeling. But tomorrow is a new day and when the sun rises so will I am the dread will go away.

Last night after a month of no communication with M, I broke down and texted him yesterday. I’m not really sure why, it’s not like I needed him or that L.A.~T and I were going along badly. I guess I was more curious, my calendar told me it had been a month and I was I suppose disappointed that he hadn’t texted me first. The entire text conversation was strange. He had said a few things that caught me off guard and I didn’t quite understand till I got home that evening and re-read my blog. I just sighed to myself and thought really? REALLY you’re going to read into my words instead of asking me what is going in my life. You’re going to take a compliment that I wrote about you as an insult and throw it back in my face? It sat wrong with me and actually hurt my feelings. I like M, I always have I like him a lot and the comfortable feeling I get being with him makes me feel safe. Why is him feeling like home an insult?

So tonight my emotions are all over the place and my reaction is to ask M to come over, but I don’t because he’ll think that I’m using him and I know how I don’t like that feeling, I don’t want to make anyone I care about feel that way. So I’ll remind myself that one day someone will want to be there for me, to hold me on the nights that the day seemed to hold nightmares.