Thursday, August 11, 2011

Reminders that the program is always with you.

Last night in almost a year I realized how the program has helped me and that reaching out sometimes when you need it is only a text or phone call way.

I’m having some HUGE anxiety over this situation with Jess and the guy she’s now seeing. I’m not really sure why. This brought me to last night and reaching out to three of my friends from the program and thank to the heavens that one was able to talk. Just bouncing off her and reminding me to use the steps has helped. I think I need to get to a meeting just to be able to get some strength in how to handle things.

So I am reminded that I am powerless over others and their actions and that although I might have a really bad vibe from J, that I have to let Jess go about her business and find out on her own. She’s a good girl and I worry that she will get hurt, but the only way you learn is to get hurt. She’s just so damn influence able. *sighs*

So learning all these things about J last night didn’t help me, it just if anything reiterates what I was already feeling about him. But it doesn’t really matter as I have said Jess has to come to this understanding and realization all on her own.

So now how do I handle this and are there any deeper feelings that are causing these issues? I’m not attracted to him at all so that’s not it. Is it that Jess has someone else to hang out with besides me these days? I don’t think so…maybe a twing. Could it be that I know what I am feeling is right and I’m upset that she’s not following my advice? Well damnit of course…lol that’s what a codey does. But that is my issue not hers and I have to remind myself of that. I think it’s a little bit of all of this, and they are all my issues and I know this so I have to adjust, process and manage without doing further damage to Jess and my relationship. I owe her apology and I think Sunday I will give her one.

Dang it journaling does help…I need to get back to doing it everyday.

What else is bothering me?


Well for one LA T. GRRR I allowed myself to get suckered into giving him a what third chance, thank heavens it was all talk. So this entire issue with him coming for a visit and the entire flirting/talking to other women thing. I have no right to be upset I know this. But my jealousy and the fact that I feel like I’m being used by him coming down hurts, knowing how he really feels about me and not feeling a chemistry, I think to myself why are you even coming down then? OH yes because you want pussy and will drive 2 hours for it, thinking you’ll get it. The thing is I’m not that desperate for cock, and getting it from M would be much easier and not screw with my head, so why am I allowing this man to come down and use me this way? Is it the wanting of someone to be around me, a male someone? That’s some of it I know, but at the same time I need to respect myself and my body and by allowing him to come down will not allow that…so it’s for the best that I walked away last night. Besides this opens him up to be able to enjoy the drama of Cali and all of them on that site. So I deleted my profile from that site, going to stay away, why well because it’s a pretty poisonous place.

I know I know some of this is triggered by my issues and I am working on them, but working on them and allowing someone to disrespect me is totally different.
*sighs* Why can’t M just see what’s in front of him? *sighs* I miss…oh that’s another day.

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