the difference of a few days.

I can’t even wrap my head around how different a few days can make.  Friday life was great, Her surprised me at work with medicine and a slurpee. Sunday was amazing to share my birthday brunch with Her and my friends, then bam! Monday I sense the difference, something has changed, and yes I was right.

Her and I are over, she wanted to step back and focus more on the friendship side of things to make sure that we were right for each other. I totally understand that theory and the thought process, but the big thing is as friends you can’t have the expectations that you've put on me. You can’t expect me to say good night or good morning, put lipstick on for you, hold your hand, or even kiss you. I don’t do that with my friends. I don’t’ talk about sex the way we do, I don’t make plans for dates in the future, I don’t serve my friends, I don’t make them dinner, I don’t bring them dinner (okay that’s not true I do, do that). It’s just the implications of everything, the making promises and plans and then breaking them.

Feeling foolish for trusting her so quickly, feeling silly caring for her. So glad I never gave her access to my blog or to read you. To think that is what I was going to give her this weekend. *sighs* and to think how excited I was about going away for my birthday with Her.

I can’t even think straight to write a dang blog about the pain, the disappointment, the process of knowing that I had hope that this was the one. 

back and forth

It’s one of those Monday’s were I just don’t want to do anything. My mind is in a million places and none of them are in the place they should be, work. *sighs*

It was a long weekend of Birthday celebrations, friends in from out of town, club night and drunkenness at brunch Sunday. I loved it!!! Some of my peoples met Her at brunch, everyone seems to really like her and are happy for me. It was so nice to have her there and to just laugh and share it with her. Than today happens. I sensed something was strange on her text and asked her about it, I knew she wasn’t feeling well but honestly didn’t think there was anything wrong with us.

She proceeds to tell me that she wants us to concentrate on the friendship part of our relationship more than anything else. This caught me off guard and totally turned me upside down. I thought we both were in the same place, I thought we were moving towards a committed relationship. She said that she felt it was too soon for some of the emotions I was expressing or voicing. I’m so confused I finally let my wall down, I finally was okay with things accepted my feelings and then BAM it feels like I was pushed into a lake and not even sure how to paddle.

So how do I react to this? My first reaction as always is to push away and lock myself down. But I don’t want to do that, I care too much for her.  So I sit here at work not really able to concentrate on anything as I think about her and how I go on from this.

Is it really too soon? Can’t you know right away if someone is the one?

Her!

I finally meet M and we had our first "official" date last night. Can you say smitten and BIG smiles? Because I am. I'm smitten with her, thinking about her makes me smile, giggle and can't wait till I see her again face again.

She is everything I have ever dreamt of in a partner and I was failing in finding in a male. So it not only surprised me when I finally met someone so amazing, but warms my entire soul when I think about her. 

Her generosity, caring, love and honesty, scares me to my core. What if I can't give enough back? What if I hurt her? What if I disappoint her in sex, love, emotions? Oh how I dislike what ifs! Yet my mind still goes there, still worries about the unknown. 

She is so wonderful, funny, thoughtful & amazing. She cares about her mum, celebrates her friendships, and is defiantly focused on what she wants and needs in life. She remembers things about me, cares more about others than herself, she holds my hand, kisses me deeply and smells amazing.

She's has a rough dating history, which I can relate to with my own wonderful dating history. But she's open to seeing where this may lead with a "bi" woman and my heart is full of expectations, warmth and gratitude for her and the adventure we've just started. 

For she is just HER and that's all I need!!!