Googling...and Dating

In today’s day and age it seems almost automatic to google someone you’re dating at least to me it is. But a recent situation now has me re-thinking my actions.

I meet BP through my recent CL ad, he was charming, intelligent and asked me out. We met initially for drinks had a great time and he asked me out of an “official” date for the next Friday (today) as he was going out of town for a business trip. We texted and talked a few times during his trip, till two days before he got back when he texts me saying that he thought he had a stalker. I was a little confused by his statement. Well it turns out that on Linkden it tells you who viewed you and he saw that I viewed him. He flipped out on me stating that I had violated his privacy, and stalking him.

Don’t get me wrong I understand his feelings and they are justified but I’m not sorry for checking him out which is a very normal thing for me and a lot of people that date online.

So we talk on the phone and I apologize that he’s upset about what occurred. He said that it violated a value of mine and even though he knew that I didn’t know about that line, it still bothers him. UMMM okay well it bothers me that you accusing me of lying about how I found your last name.

Your sent me an email, and in that email it said your name not sure how I went searching for that. *smacks forehead* In this day and age I don’t understand not checking someone out. Alas in our last phone call on Weds he told me he was going to think on things and we’d talk the next day.

Nothing! No text, email, or call. *shrugs* very childish in my opinion but it is what it is I suppose and now it looks like my Friday night is open again. Good think Mr. M & N are having their story time!

One of lives great mysteries!

Why do people stand other people up? I mean really is it as buttercup says that peoples fear consume them to a point that they just can’t imagine going on the date? Or is it that people are just rude, flakes and disrespectful? I mean if you are so fearful why date at all or here’s a concept why not cancel the date? I just don’t understand.

So I was supposed to have a date last night with Matt. Matt’s the Italian from New York, motorcycle rider, operation manager, the one that pretty much asked me out right after replying to my ad. Anyhow we were supposed to go out last Saturday and it didn’t happen for work reasons on his part. I understood and said we could reschedule. He asked me out for Tuesday and then I don’t hear from him again until Tuesday morning despite the step up, I need more attention text on Monday.

I had pretty much written him off on Monday as I hadn’t heard from him, till Tuesday morning he texts me pretty much apologizing and begging me to go out with him. I relented (hey I was intrigued) so we were to meet at 6:30 for sushi in MM. Despite having a pounding headache that has since turned into a migraine I showed up. 10 minutes before our date I get a text from him stating he got a flat and was running late. I said okay I’d get us a table.

So at this point I’m thinking how long do you wait? 10 minutes pass, 15 20, I text him asking how long he will be. I text buttercup who says wait 30 minutes. So I wait, I order an appetizer and ice tea. 40 minutes past I text stating that it appears he is standing me up I’m going to order. I order have AN AWESOME sushi dinner ALONE L and leave.

The old me would have called him up leaving a nasty angry phone call, text and blew up his phone. The new approach was to just delete him from the phone and move on.  I mean really what is the point in getting upset over his actions? I had a great dinner, caught up on some texts and emails and was home before 830.

So ultimately he weeded himself out of the garden, because my awesomeness is just too great for some to handle. And he obviously couldn’t handle it!

I’ll admit though there is still a lingering question in the back of my head of what happened. Why would he do that? Alas there are plenty of mysteries of the world that I’ll never have answers to and this is obviously one of them; well not a big mystery, but one nether less a head scratcher.

372 and counting

So feeling very very very down on myself last week, my friend T decided he was going to write and ad for me on CL. One to prove a point to take a different approach on dating and the type of ad I place. Two to show that I am still awesome and three well three had to do with the wording of the ad and why he wrote it the way he did.

This is what he wrote:

They said honesty was the best policy so here goes. I'm looking to find a life partner, but I am doing it here on Craigslist, so you gotta be a little different right? Obviously we will start with some dates, and if things go well we will move on to some sex and friendship and marriage and all that good stuff. But first you gotta ask me out. I'm hoping you're between mid-30s and late 40s, and that you're awesome.

The "bad" things about me: I can be clingy at times. I'm liable to replay our dates over and over in my head and may ask you awkward questions about random word choices you made three days ago as though the entire universe depended on that specific choice of words. I expect you to tell me I'm pretty, especially if I am not feeling it myself that day. I'm moody, probably moodier than you're used to. But that means the good moods are stronger too, right? I tend to like everything scheduled. So it can be hard to date me early on. Just because I had Friday open to go on an amazing first date with you doesn't mean you can guaranteed get back on my calendar within two weeks. If things get serious I will damn sure make time for you, but I've got friends and clubs and groups I hang out with and if they're already on the calendar you just have to wait til I'm free. And sometimes my calendar is full because I have TV to watch. Hey, those shows were there for me when you weren't so deal with it. I'm fat. You can call it curvy and BBW and all those things, but some of you would just say fat, and I am. And that isn't changing. So if that counts as "bad" in your eyes, don't bother continuing to the "good" part.

The "good" things about me: I really like sex. A lot. Probably more than you do. In fact this may be a bad thing because it may get annoying how much I want sex. I love giving head and I am really good at it. And I make pretty cool noises when I cum so there's entertainment value there. I'm probably kinkier than you are. But I am happy to teach. I give amazing little presents. I'll randomly bake you cookies for no reason. I'll hand draw little cards with crayons. I'll get out my glue gun and decorate the shit out of household objects and give them to you as gifts. My smile lights up a room. I don't do drugs. I don't have any psycho exes you have to worry about. I'm a really good kisser. I love to cuddle. I have epic tits and I love showing them off. And if you glare at dudes who stare at my chest in the bar I might just blow you in the parking lot as a thank you. I have my own job, my own car. I'm an adult, not some pet you're gonna have to take care of (though I really dig a man who wants to do that). Did I mention I can cum from having my nipples pinched? I didn't? Well you're gonna find out soon enough anyway. I am terribly loyal, and affectionate, and loving, and honest. I will treat you like the king you are. It's the least I can do if you're gonna put up with me. I love to laugh. I love to be happy. I love to show the people I care about how much I love them.

Basically, I'm awesome. You're probably awesome too. If you think your version of awesome and my version of awesome will get along, send me an email with "sunflower" in the subject so I know it isn't spam. Thanks!

 

Now at first I was taken back and went wooooooo nelly hold your horses here. But then he explained his point and 372 emails later I see his side. There have been a handful of men that have been emailing, following up and a few that have asked me out. But here a week later it just seems like they haven’t really shown the effort, that is but one. One that I went out with last week and have a date with Friday. One who calls, who laughs, who texts, who well who shows up.

So let’s see if this approach, this honesty works.

A letter to Her.

It’s been two weeks since I saw your face, touched your hand, kissed your face. It’s been two weeks since I heard your laugh, smelt your skin, watched your breath. It’s been two weeks since you walked away from me saying there was someone else, It’s been two weeks of obsession, crying, hurt, anger, abandonment. It’s been two weeks of knowing I messed up and owning that, it’s been two weeks of apologizing, of growing, changing, working on me. Two weeks of wishing, praying, holding out hope that you’ll call, show up, agree to see me, anything.

 

I know you say you’re not interested, in a relationship, friendship, or communication, and I know that you say that there is no future. But the reminder of your kiss, your touch, your laugh just two weeks ago makes me question that deeply. Your mere presence lightened my world, brining love, light and lots of hugs. You were my second best friend, the person I wanted to tell about my day, laugh away the pain with, cook dinner, serve and love.

 

I’m sorry for the way I have reacted out of anger and disrespect, you deserve better and I know this. All I know is I haven’t felt happiness like I do with you in a long time. All the talks, hopes, dreams, plans for the future, gone in a snap, in a blink, a poof of air and I’m left with this emptiness of trying to understand and cope.

 

I never thought I’d date a woman let alone find a person as caring, loving and giving as you. I never thought I would meet someone who could consume my thoughts, dreams and prayers as I have found in you. I never thought I would not have the chance to share myself, the core of me, the depths, the truth of me with you. I never thought that two weeks ago you would cut me out of your life like a lesion needing repair.

 

I miss the way you love animals, plants, and your family. I miss your loyalty for those around you and respect for those less fortunate. I miss your corny jokes, misguided political rants, the way you’d make sure there was hand sanitizer after we ordered, the way my dog would snuggle with you, the flowers that would light up your smile, the crazy late night talks, but most of all I miss you.

 

I want to be the one that rubs your head when you have a headache, wakes up with my legs and arms wrapped around you, holds your hand tighter during the scary parts of life, smiles and celebrates through the rewards. I want to be the one that travels the world with you, finding all the ghosts of the coast, the history of the world and the beauty within us.

 

I’m not giving up! I’m not settling for the wall up, I’ll wait if its 2 more weeks, 2 months, 2 years, 20 years, I’ll wait. I’ll wait till you let the wall down and realize that caring for me isn’t the end of you, me or the world.

I'm here.

 

 

 

 

 

obsession

I feel obsessed. I can't get Her out of my mind. I can't get the way I felt out of my mind, I can't get the memories to fade, I can't stop myself from emailing her, wanting to hear from her. Craving her voice, her touch, her smile. I am so off kilter its upsetting.

A 3rd time fool I will not be.

You know the saying “Fool me once shame on you, Fool me twice shame on me” Well there will be no fool me a third time.

So after all that crap with Her right before my birthday weekend, we talked things through and were going to try I thought take it slow get to know each other as friends, and date casually. So I accepted her lunch date for the day after my birthday. She took me to the cheesecake factory for a wonderful lunch, then surprised me with a cheesecake. It was a nice day, took me home and we kissed against the garage it was hot.

Fast forward to end of the week when something wasn’t sitting right with me and I asked her to define us, she said friends who care about each other. *slap head* WOW!!! What a game changer, okay wait no not the game changer yet that’s still coming.

So I am hurt again because she says we are on different chapters and we are friends. I let myself be sad and mourn everything, but the anger is there. So today I told her she was full of BS because of the fact that when we are together things are good, and can she honestly tell me that if she saw me she wouldn’t want to kiss me? That’s when she proceeds to tell me there is someone else. WTH!!! There’s the game changer.

*shaking head* Are you serious? Just two weeks ago you’re telling me that you want to go slow and get to know each other as friends date casually and you’re dating someone else now? WTH!!!

I can’t really wrap my head around anything, I just keep calling her a Liar because it hurts so much. I am so tired of all this. I’m tired of the drama, I’m tired of her being so scared of her feelings, I’m just so darn tired of it all.

So no a 3^rd will NOT occur…no more fools!