A letter to Her.

It’s been two weeks since I saw your face, touched your hand, kissed your face. It’s been two weeks since I heard your laugh, smelt your skin, watched your breath. It’s been two weeks since you walked away from me saying there was someone else, It’s been two weeks of obsession, crying, hurt, anger, abandonment. It’s been two weeks of knowing I messed up and owning that, it’s been two weeks of apologizing, of growing, changing, working on me. Two weeks of wishing, praying, holding out hope that you’ll call, show up, agree to see me, anything.

 

I know you say you’re not interested, in a relationship, friendship, or communication, and I know that you say that there is no future. But the reminder of your kiss, your touch, your laugh just two weeks ago makes me question that deeply. Your mere presence lightened my world, brining love, light and lots of hugs. You were my second best friend, the person I wanted to tell about my day, laugh away the pain with, cook dinner, serve and love.

 

I’m sorry for the way I have reacted out of anger and disrespect, you deserve better and I know this. All I know is I haven’t felt happiness like I do with you in a long time. All the talks, hopes, dreams, plans for the future, gone in a snap, in a blink, a poof of air and I’m left with this emptiness of trying to understand and cope.

 

I never thought I’d date a woman let alone find a person as caring, loving and giving as you. I never thought I would meet someone who could consume my thoughts, dreams and prayers as I have found in you. I never thought I would not have the chance to share myself, the core of me, the depths, the truth of me with you. I never thought that two weeks ago you would cut me out of your life like a lesion needing repair.

 

I miss the way you love animals, plants, and your family. I miss your loyalty for those around you and respect for those less fortunate. I miss your corny jokes, misguided political rants, the way you’d make sure there was hand sanitizer after we ordered, the way my dog would snuggle with you, the flowers that would light up your smile, the crazy late night talks, but most of all I miss you.

 

I want to be the one that rubs your head when you have a headache, wakes up with my legs and arms wrapped around you, holds your hand tighter during the scary parts of life, smiles and celebrates through the rewards. I want to be the one that travels the world with you, finding all the ghosts of the coast, the history of the world and the beauty within us.

 

I’m not giving up! I’m not settling for the wall up, I’ll wait if its 2 more weeks, 2 months, 2 years, 20 years, I’ll wait. I’ll wait till you let the wall down and realize that caring for me isn’t the end of you, me or the world.

I'm here.