Drama Drama Drama everywhere!

What a strange weekend. Eyes have been opened to people and the drama in communities, in lives and sheesh it’s a bit draining on one’s core. People who I once looked at as being “friends” I now have my eyes open to the truth. It’s amazing how caught up in the “ME” of life people get. Life isn’t all about you, it’s about the people you choose to surround yourself with and the gifts they bring to your life. So with that said I’ve decided to change my surroundings.

It’s hard in the kink community especially with so many of the events I enjoy going to these same energy suckers are at. But I have decided to just live my life and surround myself with those whose words are backed by their actions. Simple isn’t it? One would hope.

It’s funny to me those that seem to publicly dismiss drama are usually the ones that are attracting and causing the most. My mentor calls them Attention Whores, I’m seeing as my eyes open to people the truth of the matter. EVERYONE has DRAMA in their life. I still stand by the saying that in life as humans we are either going through drama, just got out of drama, or about to enter into some sort of drama (replace drama with situation, issues, etc.) So trying to say that you’re DRAMA free is quite humorous to me, BUT to me here is the difference when you are constantly in the DRAMA there is an issue. 

Separate yourself, find your middle, locate your peace, your safe place within yourself.  You can only control yourself and how your react, live, treat others. You are your controller, regardless of your ties to others or what titles others give you.

*deep breathe* So a change is about, Its time. Time to work on myself, time to get happy again.

 I’ve been talking to a wonderful woman the past few days. I’m excited to see where this might go. She’s beautiful, sweet, funny, caring, and we have a lot in common. 

Change is about, just like wonderful blooming flowers, leave the negative, the drama behind like the melted winter snow. 

Same time every year

Its almost that day again. 
It comes every year like the fog rolling on a dark night. 
Sometimes I push it away till the very end,
but it always comes every year, the same time, same day, same pain. 

18 years this time.
One would think it would get easier, as each one passes by.
Your mark on the world such a short moment, 
a blimp in the universe 
a hold on my heart forever, 
18 years ago. 

Its almost that day again, 
it comes around each year the same time, same day, same pain. 

And life goes on.

So much has happened in life as it marches on from my last post. 

I’m still learning my kinks in the community, and it’s actually helping me to grow emotionally, mentally and soon physically. I’ve been working on handling conflicts and dealing with people who seem like friends who really aren’t. Sometimes it’s painful to the heart but growing within one’s own path. I’ve also been realizing and seeing true friendships and what I value. S said to me the other day surround yourself with people who lift you up not tear you down, this I am holding dear to my heart.

So what else is new? OHHH  I was really sick, like really sick, PNEUMONIA. I was out of work for a week and then here 2 weeks later still a cough and trying to completely heal. It was the worse feeling ever, and the first time I’ve ever been really sick like that. It made me think of my grandma Ruth and how she had pneumonia and was sick for 2 weeks before anyone in the family knew. I don’t know how she dealt with it and no medicine for so long. I feel terrible when I think about it.

And life will march on and on and on as each day passes. I’m consciously trying to write in you more, I have a ton of half written blogs that I never posted.  *sad face* that I am realizing I need to write more and get things out of my mind and soul.

I’ve been letting my little side out a lot more and am so excited for Weds. I’m having a few little friends over for little’s pride day. We’re going to let our little’s out make a fort, eat with our fingers, watch cartoons and play with Barbie’s. I am so excited about it!!! Learning to make my own circle and self-care for myself is one of the hardest things and even harder when trying to figure out my little’s wants and needs.  

Alas life goes on and so does the path of growth. 

Respect and Expectations

I was always raised to treat others the way you would like to be treated. So I have always treated those that I like, love and care about the same way I want to be treated. I don’t throw rocks while living in a glass house. *smiles* so why is it now that I am questioning my thoughts and new friends in my life?

I recently joined a local kink community, I've attended a few workshops, socials and play party, and everyone seems nice, welcoming and willing to teach. So I have started to become friends with a few people, as friendship comes with trust and time spent together in my world. Recently there have been a few situations where I have invited a new so called friend to dinner, or hang out and they've given me an answer sort of to the point of maybe. No worries, that’s fine, but my thought process is when you’re invited to dinner and the reason you’re giving a maybe is because you need to check on availability and then the night of the dinner, you decide to do out with others, it just gives me the taste in my mouth that I am a second option.  I don’t like that feeling, and I wouldn't treat anyone that way. If I give inkling to someone that I might attend then I attend, even if someone else invites me to something bigger, sparklier, better, I don’t want anyone to question my values, ethics or our friendship. Because when I extend a friendship to my inner circle, It’s precious to me, its valuable.

So now I am questioning if my expectations and upbringing is totally off, or if what I view as respect of friendship is too high.  How do you keep yourself in tact while trying to extend yourself to learn, love, and trust others? 

Health and Doom

Do you ever go to the doctors for a routine checkup and come out feeling like doom? Today that was my experience. I guess it wasn’t really routine, I was going in to have a few bumps that have inflamed looked at as well as finally have my ankle and wrists looked at. I walked out having to go in for a full blood panel workup, a follow up in 3 weeks, 2 rounds of antibiotics, and a cleanse to start in 6 weeks. WTHeck!

I like the new doctor, she is awesome and I know she is wanting to get me healthy I respect that, but why the doom and gloom feeling? Why the feeling that the results are just not going to come back good?

I guess I’ll have to wait. 

Thoughts

My thoughts wander moment from moment, thought to thought, it wanders. 
It wanders to the yesterdays,  tomorrows and today's. 
It wanders to you, him, me and her. 
It smiles, cries, and wonders out loud. 
It brings hope, pain, love, lust & heartbreak. 
It wanders the mind late at night, ever so quietly in the back of the mind. 
It brings the realization of a new view, new voice, new idea.
All the while taking me to places I never knew within myself. 
My thoughts wander......... they wander to you. 

Creepy...but they always resurface.

Many a moons ago when I lived in the house with the awesome roommates in oceanside I jad meet this guy Michael. Michael seemed cool, we went out a few times if my memory serves right. Don't quote me on it, all I remember is the day I realized I really wasn't into him. I can't explain why it was just this strange feeling. 

So fast forward to many years later almost 9 to be exact. Micheal joins CC as its closing up and sends a very honest email to the group wanting to meet a nice woman. We email back and forth, decide to go to dinner, meet up have a nice dinner. I'm just not feeling anything. Now mind you I didn't realize he was the same guy from years ago. 

Earlier this week I get an email on a site that I have been chatting on for about 12 years. The converstation went like this: 
m Still livin in a trailer Beautiful?
Me I've never lived in a trailer.
m Did you lived in Oceanside?
Me yes.
m Shared a house with friends...
Me yes.
m on a nice quiet street..
Me yes. Do I know you?
Me ?????
m You knew me when you lived in Oceanside.
I've been in your small room with the big bed. Could hardly walk around it.
Me okay. why did you say anything about living in a trailer?
m Just messing with you...
Me ummm. I'm confused.
m I remember your hair being more blondish...were you being a personal assistant for people with small businesses?
Me yes. It was very blonde back then. I don't do that now.
m From your profile pictures you are just as beautiful as you were a dozen years a go or more.
m God I love those sensual curves of yours...  (input here....I really don't have those great a curves)
Me Who are you?
m My name is Michael
Me ummm okay? do you have a photo?
m I'm very oral and wanted to lick you till you couldn't stand it...you just wanted me to fuck the hell out of you.
Me I'd like a face picture.
(m sends picture)
m Do you remember?
Me what the hell game are you playing?
m Playing bocci in Italy...do you know the game?
Me How do you know about my past? We meet after I moved to Santee. Are you stalking me?
m No I'm not stalking you...we spent some time together when you lived in Oceanside...I lived in San Diego then. I moved and just moved back to SD a few months ago. I was looking through the profiles and recognized you. Please don't think this sinister. I just thought I'd mess with you about the trailer,start a conversation and see if you remembered me.
m Obvously you impressed me. I remember you vividly...You are and were quite beautiful.
Me and you didn't remember this when you took me to dinner a few months back at the blue fish restaurant?
m Wow, This is embarasing...You know you looked so familiar in the restaurant but I didn't put the two together. So sorry to bother you, I assumed you didn't care for our "date" and would rather not see me again.
Me Well obviously I didn't "Impress" you do much that you remembered me so "vividly" 
I'm sorry no I don't recall us having sex back then. I do recall meeting you back then and I remember ending it. If I had known a few months ago that you were the same person we wouldn't have gone to dinner. And Now I think its just creepy that you are trying to get in my panties again.
m I'm not trying to get into your panties...Did I seem overly aggressive at blue fish? Sorry to bother you again. I hope you are doing well and are happy. Please excuse my intrusion...
Me No. But your emails tonight are a little out of line .Especially since obviously I wasn't such a vivid impression, that when you had me in your presence again you didn't recall me. 
I'm just saying be honest to women it works
m I am being honest...if I would have know who you were I would have brought it up in out e-mails or in the restaurant.
I was impressed with you that night...you are intelligent and very pretty. I'm sorry your fish was raw. I didn't know if I was tired, you were disinterested or it just wasn't our night. I would have loved to see you again. I thought because you really didn't keep up e-mails you weren't into me.
m How is your woman's group going?
Me I'm not interested in talking to you any longer. Please do not contact me again. This really is creepy on your part. 

Now don't get me wrong OBVIOUSLY mentally there was something there, but in person No, Nothing! But to reach out to me a third time and try and tell me that you were vividly impressed in me...*shakes head* but you didn't remember me when we went to dinner again? Obviously you are lying. I'm not saying that I'm better than him because obviously I didn't remember meeting him before. But don't attempt to contact me again and try and sweet talk me when its all a lie. Think he got the point in the end? I hope so. 

Its like when a man starts talking to me in the chat room that I met years ago at a meet and greet and he says to me don't you remember me? I *giggles* always ask did we fuck? Because seriously if we had sex and I don't recall you then OBVIOUSLY it wasn't all that! 

This though is just CREEPY!!! UGH! Why do they always resurface?