ANXIETY!!!

So I’ve been flirting with the idea of getting a new car for a while now. Last night when out with Jake we got to talking about cars and for some reason I got on the idea of getting a mustang. *swoon* A Mustang has been one of my dream cars forever, but the more I started looking online the more I’m sort of swaying towards a Masada 3 s sedan.

The anxiety part of it is that I have NEVER bought a car before. I mean I’ve gone with people as they bought cars but I’ve never bought a car on my own. My Rav was a gift from my parents and before that my ex-husband bought our cars.  

So I’ve never had to purchase a car before. It’s leaving me with all this anxiety of just looking to see what I want, the cost, can I afford it, trade in, etc. UGH!!! I seriously feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.

So I know the cost range, I know what I want my monthly payments to be, and I know how much I would like for my trade in. But what if I get there and I do an oooooo pretty car I want, I want!!!  and end up paying too much? I can’t haggle!!! 

Drama Drama Drama everywhere!

What a strange weekend. Eyes have been opened to people and the drama in communities, in lives and sheesh it’s a bit draining on one’s core. People who I once looked at as being “friends” I now have my eyes open to the truth. It’s amazing how caught up in the “ME” of life people get. Life isn’t all about you, it’s about the people you choose to surround yourself with and the gifts they bring to your life. So with that said I’ve decided to change my surroundings.

It’s hard in the kink community especially with so many of the events I enjoy going to these same energy suckers are at. But I have decided to just live my life and surround myself with those whose words are backed by their actions. Simple isn’t it? One would hope.

It’s funny to me those that seem to publicly dismiss drama are usually the ones that are attracting and causing the most. My mentor calls them Attention Whores, I’m seeing as my eyes open to people the truth of the matter. EVERYONE has DRAMA in their life. I still stand by the saying that in life as humans we are either going through drama, just got out of drama, or about to enter into some sort of drama (replace drama with situation, issues, etc.) So trying to say that you’re DRAMA free is quite humorous to me, BUT to me here is the difference when you are constantly in the DRAMA there is an issue. 

Separate yourself, find your middle, locate your peace, your safe place within yourself.  You can only control yourself and how your react, live, treat others. You are your controller, regardless of your ties to others or what titles others give you.

*deep breathe* So a change is about, Its time. Time to work on myself, time to get happy again.

 I’ve been talking to a wonderful woman the past few days. I’m excited to see where this might go. She’s beautiful, sweet, funny, caring, and we have a lot in common. 

Change is about, just like wonderful blooming flowers, leave the negative, the drama behind like the melted winter snow. 

Same time every year

Its almost that day again. 
It comes every year like the fog rolling on a dark night. 
Sometimes I push it away till the very end,
but it always comes every year, the same time, same day, same pain. 

18 years this time.
One would think it would get easier, as each one passes by.
Your mark on the world such a short moment, 
a blimp in the universe 
a hold on my heart forever, 
18 years ago. 

Its almost that day again, 
it comes around each year the same time, same day, same pain. 

And life goes on.

So much has happened in life as it marches on from my last post. 

I’m still learning my kinks in the community, and it’s actually helping me to grow emotionally, mentally and soon physically. I’ve been working on handling conflicts and dealing with people who seem like friends who really aren’t. Sometimes it’s painful to the heart but growing within one’s own path. I’ve also been realizing and seeing true friendships and what I value. S said to me the other day surround yourself with people who lift you up not tear you down, this I am holding dear to my heart.

So what else is new? OHHH  I was really sick, like really sick, PNEUMONIA. I was out of work for a week and then here 2 weeks later still a cough and trying to completely heal. It was the worse feeling ever, and the first time I’ve ever been really sick like that. It made me think of my grandma Ruth and how she had pneumonia and was sick for 2 weeks before anyone in the family knew. I don’t know how she dealt with it and no medicine for so long. I feel terrible when I think about it.

And life will march on and on and on as each day passes. I’m consciously trying to write in you more, I have a ton of half written blogs that I never posted.  *sad face* that I am realizing I need to write more and get things out of my mind and soul.

I’ve been letting my little side out a lot more and am so excited for Weds. I’m having a few little friends over for little’s pride day. We’re going to let our little’s out make a fort, eat with our fingers, watch cartoons and play with Barbie’s. I am so excited about it!!! Learning to make my own circle and self-care for myself is one of the hardest things and even harder when trying to figure out my little’s wants and needs.  

Alas life goes on and so does the path of growth. 

Respect and Expectations

I was always raised to treat others the way you would like to be treated. So I have always treated those that I like, love and care about the same way I want to be treated. I don’t throw rocks while living in a glass house. *smiles* so why is it now that I am questioning my thoughts and new friends in my life?

I recently joined a local kink community, I've attended a few workshops, socials and play party, and everyone seems nice, welcoming and willing to teach. So I have started to become friends with a few people, as friendship comes with trust and time spent together in my world. Recently there have been a few situations where I have invited a new so called friend to dinner, or hang out and they've given me an answer sort of to the point of maybe. No worries, that’s fine, but my thought process is when you’re invited to dinner and the reason you’re giving a maybe is because you need to check on availability and then the night of the dinner, you decide to do out with others, it just gives me the taste in my mouth that I am a second option.  I don’t like that feeling, and I wouldn't treat anyone that way. If I give inkling to someone that I might attend then I attend, even if someone else invites me to something bigger, sparklier, better, I don’t want anyone to question my values, ethics or our friendship. Because when I extend a friendship to my inner circle, It’s precious to me, its valuable.

So now I am questioning if my expectations and upbringing is totally off, or if what I view as respect of friendship is too high.  How do you keep yourself in tact while trying to extend yourself to learn, love, and trust others? 

Health and Doom

Do you ever go to the doctors for a routine checkup and come out feeling like doom? Today that was my experience. I guess it wasn’t really routine, I was going in to have a few bumps that have inflamed looked at as well as finally have my ankle and wrists looked at. I walked out having to go in for a full blood panel workup, a follow up in 3 weeks, 2 rounds of antibiotics, and a cleanse to start in 6 weeks. WTHeck!

I like the new doctor, she is awesome and I know she is wanting to get me healthy I respect that, but why the doom and gloom feeling? Why the feeling that the results are just not going to come back good?

I guess I’ll have to wait. 

Thoughts

My thoughts wander moment from moment, thought to thought, it wanders. 
It wanders to the yesterdays,  tomorrows and today's. 
It wanders to you, him, me and her. 
It smiles, cries, and wonders out loud. 
It brings hope, pain, love, lust & heartbreak. 
It wanders the mind late at night, ever so quietly in the back of the mind. 
It brings the realization of a new view, new voice, new idea.
All the while taking me to places I never knew within myself. 
My thoughts wander......... they wander to you.