Updates! Oh what an update!

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I was looking for my blog today to send it to a friend so they could read about my life and realized I haven’t written anything since A and I broke up in April. So many changes!

I moved out in June. I found a cute little one bedroom condo in the Fletcher Hills area with a garage, and pool!!! Boy have I used that pool A LOT!! A and I haven’t talked since the week after I moved out when he threatened to call the police on me, he went missing again and his mom was worried so I checked on him. He didn’t like that and that was the end of any  friendship we thought we would have. 

It s been tough because I know he is hurting and confused, but I also know that I can’t help him at all. When he hits rock bottom he’ll ask for help from someone and I truly hope they are there for him.

The A that I knew at the hospital that was clean and focused is an amazing man. The A that is fighting his demons and medicating it with various drugs is someone I don’t know, understand or have room in my life for.

I’ll be honest it was hard and very painful to realize that someone who’s life I saved and who I felt this karmic connection to, wants nothing to do with me. But as I learned a long time ago sometimes people do the hard things for us when it seems they don’t love us, when in reality they do. So I try to look at the positive of the situation.

Leaving A opened up life for an amazing person to come into it. I’ve loved a ton in my life and I have felt connections to people, but what I feel with G is scary, exciting and amazing.  We’ve been officially together almost 2 months, and each day is better than the last. We have done so much together in the past 2 months; he even gave me a song. J

Amazed by Lonestar.   When I feel bad or unsure about things I just listen to the song and imagine him singing it to me as he did the first time at the river.

I’m sure I’ll write more about him blog, as I can’t imagine life without him. But for now just know I’m still around and for the first time in my 45 years I feel like I am where I am suppose to be.

That's where my life is right now.

What do you do when your BF whom you live with says I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore? Yet you are still living together. Seems pretty hard to take doesn’t it.

Welp that’s where my life is right now.

funny thing

Funny how I tend to get into relationships with people who just don’t want me the way I want them. I want someone who feels I am their person, their one love. I already realize with A that Niki is that person or was that person for him.

I get this strange feeling that they will end up back together. Shrugs such is life, so why do I allow myself to love men that are so unavailable to me?  Why do I allow them to just burn inside me?

A and I are okay. Except the same damn thing all the time, sex!  We don’t have sex. NOPE not at all. We only have sex when visiting Thad’s. Seems like the only time that he is even sexually attracted to me at all is there.

He doesn’t seem to really care or listen. He keeps talking about me moving out, and needing his space. Okay asshole here is your space. Oh I should probably say its that time of the month. :P

Boxes and more boxes in your head

Two days ago I was overwhelmed by life and my feelings with A. Since then so many people have reached out and I totally appreciate it but I also feel so overwhelmed by it. I don’t want to have to explain or talk about it over and over and over and over again.

BOXES! That’s what I have been trying to do since Monday. Put everything into boxes, can I handle this right now? Can I change the outcome? Put it in a box. I told S that and he said that I tend to not want to deal with things.

I don’t know I feel like if I say anything to anyone I’m judged right now, the anger is there from so many people. It might have been easier to have actually gone through with it on Monday.  These feelings of not knowing what I am feeling are overwhelming.

I know logically I should break it off with A, he doesn’t deserve me. He doesn’t want me the same way that I want him. But I feel so overly clingy right now and have no idea how to handle all this.

I just want to go home and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep. I want everything to just go away.

Can I put that in a box also?

Stages of Divorce

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I realize I am in the acceptance stage of the separation. But I’m also angry and sometimes sad. This week I have been angry with him and angry with myself.

Angry at myself for going through with the marriage when I knew better. Angry that I was so lonely and wanting to be married that I settled AGAIN! Angry that I allowed myself to fall so below who I really am and allowed him to just financially drain me. Angry that I really thought he loved me. Angry at myself for still wanting to do the best for him and feeling guilty for not paying his bills, which is just stupid as fuck of me. I’m just Angry!

But what I am realizing more than anything is that I am at the stage that I ANGRY at him.  I’m angry that he took financial advantage of me for 2 years. That he didn’t really do anything to try and help us get ahead. I’m angry that he didn’t comfort me or even thank me for the struggles that I went through to get us ahead or even just to stay a float. I didn’t have to struggle like that, we didn’t have to. He could have done something to make money. He could have easily made money by driving uber or something. I don’t know but the thing I’m angry at the most is that he lied to me. He lied because he said it is easier than having a confrontation. WTF! Seriously? So you lie because you couldn’t be honest in an open marriage? STUPID!!!

The anger and the WTF thought are there, I read today” acceptance doesn’t mean you don’t still have negative emotions about your divorce. You may still feel some anger, there may still be sadness at the loss of your marriage” I truly believe that is where I am and I am working on allowing my life to move forward, I have to just allow myself to process through the emotions.