Attention Needed!

This weekend was really hard emotionally on me. I really wanted some attention from a man, I'm not talking about sexually I'm talking about spending time with a man and just doing something together. I enjoy my girlies and no I am not bored so much as I just want someone to flirt with me, spend time with me and just make me feel special. I miss Yumminess and wish that we were in a spot that we both could just be with each other and live life together. The good, the bad and the awesome!

Even though I met someone new the other day my heart and thoughts are still longing strongly for Yumminess. *sighs* and I am trying to just walk away as I am obviously not who he wants in his life, he doesn't respect me even as a person and that is hard to swallow. But it is what it is.

I met a man last night and I kinda like it.

So I ventured out last night to meet someone new. Its been awhile and I thought okay let's just give this a chance, after all I need a distraction from everything going on with yumminess. We meet for tea and hot coco in Del Mar and talked for hours. We actually have some friends in common and that was interesting to find out and chat about. It was such an interesting talk and refreshing that I am really excited to see him again.

He walked me to my car, kissed me good night and sent me on my way. It was just the right kind of ending to a wonderful night. Today he sent a few texts today and that was sweet. One moment, day at a time. We will see. *smiles*

Meeting the new guy (let's call him Stallion, not that I know if he is or not, but its a bit of an inside joke.) and the attention that he has bestowed on me the past week has really made me think a lot about Yumminess and how I'm still not being respected with the simplest things. Yumminess is sick with a really bad cold, yesterday I texted asking how he was feeling he said crappy was going to sleep and would ping me when he got up. Yet nothing all day or evening. Today I texted asking how he was feeling and nothing back. I finally sent a text saying I was concerned and I got back sorry I was sleeping. It just makes me realize that I am not on his mind and that he's not thinking when he gets up ya know I might want to let S know so that she's not worrying. *sighs* It just reminds me over and over that the little things really do matter.

But I met a man!! *giggles* and I kinda like it!

Pet Peeves...Distractions...and those little things ya put off.

I realize as I get older that I have more and more little pet peeves. Before I thought I really only had a few like making sure the shower curtain is always closed, or young kids in an inappropriate movie, guacamole in a burrito when I specifically said NONE. Those are really just a few, but as I have gotten older I have realized a lot more things bother me like people who RSVP yes to an event and don't show up, people who say I'll call you RIGHT back and than really don't, Bad food service, stupid drivers, closed minded people, and the worse is when you get in someones car and there is trash all over the seat and floor....grrrr (that reminds me I need to clean my car out). As I was growing up I noticed my parents especially my mom having similar upsets and I thought it was embarrassing, but I have realized as I have gotten older that what it really is, is not being able to stand disrespect.

So I am trying to mentally take a step back and just not allow these things to upset me. To seriously remind myself that I am powerless over these issues. Its not like I can change the closed minded person they have to do it them selves. Its not like I can make a stupid driver driver better, or make that person call me back right away and keep their word. So instead of allowing these things to get me upset I am working towards just accepting it as it is. and so it is.

So sometimes in life I realize that ya need distractions, especially when it comes to romantic heartaches. So Yumminess and I are talking again and I am realizing that if I am going to be his friend I have to stop having expectations. My GF K, said that to me yesterday and I thought ya know you're absolutely right. Its not like I have expectations of my other guy friends, or maybe I do. I don't know, but I am really going to try and be okay if he doesn't meet my expectations especially since we are only friends. But how do you do that when you know that you are more than friends, its not like when I see my friends O'side or B the teacher that I have this overwhelming want to kiss them, nope that only happens with yumminess. So I need a distraction, to distract my from that heart ache of wanting to be with yumminess. I am working on this, I've recently been talking to a new guy so we will see where that goes, if anything maybe a good distraction. *smiles*

I use to be all about having a CLEAN house, Car and hair. I have realized over the last year that although I keep a clean house, car and hair, that its not as front and center as in my past. That I will put cleaning off myself till I can't stand it anymore, cleaning my car till I'm really embarrassed (most of the time its just cluttered) or not wash my hair every day. I've become LAZY!!! Like today I should be cleaning my house and here I am writing a blog, I was sick last weekend so my house really is a mess and tomorrow is the girlie book club night and I really do need my house to be clean!!! But I am putting it off....grrrr...and don't get me started on laundry, I will literally put that off till I am out of panties and even than sometimes I consider going and buying more panties instead of doing laundry. Those little things ya put off!!!

Maybe these are all about getting older, or maybe its how you evolve as you get older, or maybe its just becoming more aware of what you do, how you react, or even worse treat others as you get older. Whatever the reason, I am defiantly more aware of my pet peeves, distractions and little things I put off.

Sometimes Fate tells you its time to step back.

That’s what it has done with Yumminess and I. If I think about it I don’t know if we ever were going to be an US. Over the past 5 years that has always been one thing or another. Just when we both saw progress and thought that things might be progressing, Fate decides to throw a curve ball of his little girl being very sick.

Yumminess finally communicated with me via email of what is going on with his little girl. She has a hole in heart which would be okay he said but they are going to fix that as they have to go in and do open heart surgery due to a main artery in her heart being in the wrong place causing her heart to work harder and grow larger. It’s a terrible thing I can’t imagine any little girl, child, adult for that matter having to go through this. So I understand that he needs to focus on her recovery. Its just a shame that it is happening at all.

The memories are sending me into a bit of a spin due to my own daughters heart issues 15 years ago. The lack of communication from Yumminess reminded me of the lack of information the Doctors and Nurses could tell me. Still to this day I can’t explain what happened beyond her heart wasn’t right. *sighs*

So it is the end of Yumminess and I as an US. It is the end of what might have been and I suppose the end of a dream/fantasy I have held on to for so long. I have to respect him and his decision to take care of his own mental well being and his little girls recovery. Its just difficult to let go.

I know I have to as my basic needs as a friend aren’t being meet let alone those of someone more. I have to step out for my own well being to be able to be healthy and happy where ever I land.

*shaking fists* Fate you really do have a way of pulling the rug out from under me.

Isn't caring just GRAND?

Rejection and abandonment is what I am feeling the most right now when it comes to thoughts of Yumminess. The sad thing is that I know he is going through A LOT right now but I still feel this overwhelming feeling of being rejected. I don’t like it because it also makes me feel very selfish, which I don’t think I am. I just would like to know what is going on with his daughter and how I can help him, at the same time I realize that this is a bit of my program not working well, so I am trying to reel myself in.

I don’t know what to do or think, a part of me really wants to just throw my hands up and say okay enough the other part is like whoooooo hold your horses, his little girl is really sick and he might need you. What I don’t know how to figure out is if this need is my need to be co-dependent and help someone or if it is genuinely true. *sighs* The brain really does screw with ya sometimes, or is that your emotions?

I have friends on both sides of this gate who both make valid points. One who is male and has 2 young girls himself, says just to be there for Yumminess, that words are needed. Another friend a female with 2 children of her own, asks me how long are you willing to be in the background of his life? How long are you willing to wait? And to be honest I don’t know. I mean I am 37, 38 in a little over 7 months and I really would like to have children. If I think about it I realize that realistically that Yumminess and I probably won’t even be anywhere close to thinking about that for at least 2 years, so I will close to 40. Do I wait and hope that, that is what happens? Or do I cut the cord with Yumminess and move on romantically? I don’t know, I really don’t, or I don’t know how to might be more the truth.

A totally different side of things is my High Power, guides and spirits seem to be either fighting with each other or I am reading things totally wrong. My ex GF and I were talking last night she knows all about Yumminess as we were together when I first met Yumminess. I told her the situation and she responded back with doesn’t he realize that you are suppose to be in his life, to help him through this? She is very in tune with her psychic side and I tend to go to her a lot on some issues. At the same time I am truly wondering what my Higher Power has in store for me, as yesterday could have totally been different if he would have stepped in.

*sighs* So Yumminess has asked me to step back not for good he says but at least for today so he can deal with things. AWESOME!! So I get to go YET another day not knowing what is going on, and yet another evening or restless sleep…Isn’t caring about someone GRAND?

No Lunch Today.

After a little over 5 years I was suppose to meet Yumminesses little girl today at lunch. We had it all planned out, going to take her to her favorite resturant, The Olive Garden, I bought her a little gift. I was really excited and nervous about the entire thing, excited because this would be a HUGE step in our relationship moving forward, nervous about it not happening. Sure enough it didn’t, maybe our Higher Power doesn’t really see us as being together I don’t know. Whatever it is we didn’t have lunch today.

Now before you go getting your feathers in a ruffle there was good reasoning, they found out today that his little girl is going to need heart surgery. I don’t know the details but I do know that she has been a sick little girl for about 6 months. It’s been really hard on him and I understand this. So he will really need to focus his attention on his little girl and take care of himself. It was a fear of mine when he told me that they found out she had an enlarged heart, but attempting to push my Fear away as Fear being F-orget E-verything A-nd R-egress I held onto the positive and hoped that my Higher Power would see to it allow us to move forward together. Wishful thinking.

I know that this is really all out of my hands…that I have absolutely NO control over this, but trust me it is difficult, to know the man that you really care about is going through a fight for his little girls life and he won’t let you in to help. *sighs* and so it is.

this and that.

Life has been interesting my dear Blog. I know you have missed me, I have missed you also. My mind thinks of things to tell you and than I don't get the time to write to you. YES, its an excuse but I'm sticking to it! *smiles*

So life is pretty good. Spent a wonderful week in Washington State with family, laughed with aunties, meet my brothers new GF and saw my niece being cooked *GF is pregnant*. It was a nice time and I used my tools greatly.

Work is okay, we are getting slow again. But it is still enjoyable to be at work and that is always a plus.

I want a baby. I know you're probably thinking WHAT? Yep I want 4 babies. Is that even possible? I so want a baby, after seeing my cousins babies and my brother expecting, I realized how badly I want a child!! Yummy and I are working slowly on what will make us extraordinary together, slowly but surely. I'll be meeting Yumminess little on Tuesday, after 5 years I'll finally be meeting little. That to me is a HUGE step and something that I think is hopefully bringing us closer.

So that's the jist of things my dear friend, I have missed you and I promise I won't be such a stranger.