He's Back!

Isn’t the past suppose to stay IN THE PAST? *sighs* So Saturday evening I am out with my singles group having an AWESOME dinner and evening, when who gets seated in the booth across from us? YEP you guessed it The Past and his new wife. I guess I went completely white and couldn’t talk for a bit. I don’t really recall much of the rest of my dinner after that. But he smiled at me and than asked the waitress to seat them somewhere else. Why didn’t they just leave? *sighs*

So obviously a year of him in another country didn’t heal me, how is him being in the same city going to help things? I’m back to worrying that I’ll run into him everywhere I go that I want to just stay in the comfort of my house. Aren’t I supposed to be in some BIG love affair by now? Or at least a doting relationship? My mind keeps telling me that I’m a loser for not having someone to call my own, yet I don’t want to settle, I did that for four years with The Past I don’t want to do it again. I enjoy my life and all that it is offering, why do I feel the need to have a partner just because he’s back?

Every song my dang Pandora plays today is a song that reminds me of him. Am I going to have to go back to not listening to music, watching movies or enjoying life? This pain is suppose to have healed!!! So why does it feel like the bandaid was just ripped off?

So The Past is back, why couldn’t he have just stayed over seas, it would have been so much easier. *sighs*

Funny how a song can do that to ya!

Funny how a song can take you right back to a place that you don't want to be, a time full of pain and sorrow. That happened to me this morning, The song don't think I don't think about it by Darius Rucker came on my pandora and it took me right back to that place 2 years ago where The Past was telling me that it makes him think about me and what is happening. At one time it was full of hope and sadness all mixed in one. You'd think after all this time that the pain of the situation would be far away.

The Past has been on my mind lately, I think it was triggered due to all the unrest in Bahrain where he is stated at the moment. I emailed him just to check on him, but of course no response back. *sighs* it is a shame that even after all this time we can't be civil if just for J's sake.

Yumminess's daughter had her surgery and things seem to be going well according to him. I miss him but I know that he has a lot going on in life right now and that our friendship will always need to take a backseat to everything else. So friends in a sense we are.

*sighs* its a terrible Friday dark and gloomy outside very much matching my mood. Its suppose to be the coldest weekend in 50 years, even snow in the town over. YIKES!! I want to just bundle up and not do anything this weekend, but that isn't possible. *sighs* besides if I did that my mind would probbably go further back than that song has taken me. Funny how a song can take you back that way. Awww memories!

Some people

Some people really do continue to surprise me. I spilled a part of myself last night to M and than asked him to come over, he didn't. I'm not sure what to think of that. I really like him but I am so tired of the fighting and what seems like pulling things out of each other.

I don't know why can't it just be simple and easy? Why does everything have to always seem so hard? Why can't he want to spend time with me? He says I'm needy and want some fairytale relationship. That my Blog states that. *sighs* I don't think it does. I think I want a man who is into me and don't really see anything wrong with that.

Is it that he hasn't been in a relationship for a long time? That he was married for so long or that he's so independent that oh hell if I know anything anymore. I just know that Valentines day sucked bootie!

And now I feel like crying again. Cuddling just doesn't seem to be the answer for me these days. tomorrow is a new day and the sun will come up and well its a new day. Who knows, that will teach me to open myself up. I don't know why I did, maybe to show him that I trusted him and did care. Was I yet again being a fool?

I'm considering close you down my dear Blog. Just too much DRAMA...*sighs*

I GOT FLOWERS!!!

I can't believe I was just down and depressed about this horrid day and a delivery of flowers came in for me! I thought they were for the PC nope for me!!! Beautiful lavendar roses and orange sunflowers. I can't believe he remembered me telling him that!!!

Happy Valentines Day!

I seriously feel like crap today! I should have stayed home. I am wearing myself out and I need to stay healthy! UGH!!!

Oh yes Happy Valentines Day!!! Or for those of us that are single and have no one that is interested in sending us a silly romantic gesture, Happy Singles Awareness Day!!! I was suppose to be going to D&B’s tonight with the singles group I run but I am seriously fighting off puking so think the best thing for me to do is go home and sleep. This week is going to be BUSY BUSY BUSY at work and beyond! UGH!!!

Speaking of busy! This past weekend was just a go go go weekend. I swear I need weekends from my weekends. Sat I ran the 5K and finished 4 mins faster than last month. YEAH!!! It still killed but I did it and have a beautiful heart necklace to show for it. It was a fun morning.

Sat evening was so much fun. I got plastered haven’t done that in a LONG LONG LONG time! Seriously 3 shots of tekillya, and 6 blue moons later I was loving on everyone and anyone. *giggles* I now realize that I am seriously a drunk text er. I text ed M a few times *ouch* I know I said something’s that I had to apologize for. *ugh* My saving grace was that Z was at the party and distracted me from saying anything really stupid! *smiles* He took my phone at one point and gave it to panda for safe keeping. Z is a lot of fun and seems pretty interested. So we will see. *sighs* have thoughts here but still processing them. *sighs*

I invited M to an event with us last night and because of some family issue he wasn’t able to make it. I was disappointed but well it just shows a lot where I stand I suppose. I don’t know HE is so confusing. M’s been texting a lot lately and I appreciate it but I really just get this feeling in my gut that he’s not being honest and it doesn’t feel good. I am enjoying the talks via text but still a relationship it doesn’t make. *sighs* I don’t know. I guess I was hoping something different especially today, on this stupid retail holiday. *sighs*

I’m meeting MSTR T after work. I made him some cookies, his girlie and him just broke up and I thought it would be a nice gesture. I remember how much he likes home made cookies. So that is my cupid giving this year. *smiles*

I wanna go home!!! *blah* I swear my throat hurts and I feel pukey. UGH!!!

Can the Rollercoaster stop now?

What a roller coaster of emotions the past week has been. YIKES! You'd think with it being Friday night that I might be able to actually put the break on the car going up and around and around. NOPE!!! Its just the beginning of a really really busy weekend!

Tomorrow I do my second 5K of the year. I can't believe its been only a month since the last one, it seriously seems like a year ago. I'm excited and dreading the event tomorrow but know that in the end I am that much closer to my year goal, so that in itself is something good to think about. I need to get to bed so I can get up at the butt crack of dawn to get there...so this will be short and sweet.

M has been texting the past few days not really sure what is going on. I do like him and care about him, but I can't put my finger exactly on why I don't totally trust him. We will see. For the first time in what 2 weeks I didn't hear from MS or Iz today. A MIRACLE!!!

Egypt's President Mubarak stepped down today. Z was so excited and elated about it, its awesome news for Egypt. Z was on the news tonight talking about what it will do for Egypt and the middle east. Its pretty cool. We all went out tonight to celebrate. Z walked me to my car and asked me if I'd go to dinner with him. I feel a bit guilty because of M at the same time I am keeping my options open only because I really don't know what's going on with M and until I truly trust him and know that he's not playing me again, I'm not willing to give all of me over.I'd really like it to work between us but I have to see where it goes.

I guess Kly invited Z to the party tomorrow night, he asked if he could drive me, I told him I was going with A&K2, but he could buy me a drink. *smiles* He was okay with that.

So the roller coaster of emotions I hope is coming to an end or at least slowing down. I'm off to bed my dear Blog. Dream of me as you sleep in the am, as I walk my bootie off at the 5K!

Shame On You!

Or maybe it’s shame on me, for believing M once again. We went out last night for sushi even though I had told him via text that I was canceling and really just thought it was best for us to just go our separate ways. But after a few texts back and forth and wanting to talk something’s out I decided to go, I thought we had come to an understanding. HOW WRONG WAS I? Its okay chalk this one up to me being silly and a bit tipsy last night for what occurred but I do clearly recall the conversation at the restaurant and that we had both agreed to not say anything. AGAIN I WAS SOOOOOOO SOOOO SOOO EVER WRONG!!!


Smile Smile Smile because today is a GREAT day. Releasing of the past and starting over is refreshing. I really liked M, but I can’t trust that he isn’t playing me. So onward and upwards, life is full of smiles.

I got a phone call this morning from Z asking if I am free for dinner this weekend We’ll see what happens. When you let go of those that really aren’t all that into you, something great may come along.

I’m pretty amazing and obviously I’m not the only one that thinks that. So SHAME ON YOU!

My Feet are cold!

My feet are cold tonight. I know I know put some socks on, I'll warm up as soon as I crawl into bed in a few mins. I'm actually tired tonight. It was a GREAT evening out with my singles group for Taco Tuesday.

Z was at Taco Tuesday. He's funny, smart and has a great smile. I know silly of me to actually be thinking of someone whom I have just met, but he's sweet so we will see. He asked me for my number tonight, *giggles* not sure if it was to schedule the Salsa event or what but it was nice to be asked for my number.

Maybe Z would want to go to K's b-day party, I already asked M twice but really get the sense that he isn't interested. So not pushing it. Something to weigh about this all.

Speaking of M, he texted me asking if I wanted to go out again. I was a bit hesitant about it as I had decided to drop whatever it was between him and I, but who knows. My hopes aren't up there, but it's always good to have options I suppose. We'll see if it all goes the same way as before, dropping it won't seem so bad.

Positive note I haven't heard from Iz or MS since I called her this am. Thank the heavens, I'm so tired of it all.

And my feet aren't so cold anymore. *smiles*

Silly Girl don’t you learn?

Sometimes I wonder why I am so forgiving of people. Its not that I’m desperate in the least, trust me I date enough! I’m just picky about who I actually want to kiss. Plus 2011 isn’t about a romantic relationship. And as far as friends I have TONS and it seems that I still give a few more chances than I should. Not anymore!

So silly me has give M another chance since the whole phone debacle. Mostly because I fired Iz and realized that a lot of the DRAMA in my life had been her doing. So nice to clear out the old and just live your own life.

So I found out that since firing Iz that she contacted M on Facebook and they have been having this full on online relationship, conversation, or what not. When I confronted Iz’s BF/Fiancé he said he would take care of it. Somehow I am clearly doubting all this as MS I found out has known about it the entire time, I'm now seriously contemplating his involvement in the entire situation. For now I have told Iz and MS that I want no contact with either of them. I highly doubt that is going to happen. *sighs*

What really sucks about the entire thing is that I really like M. He’s the first guy since The Past that I allowed myself to be vulnerable with. He’s the first guy since The Past that I have felt something in his kiss over.

Yes I know you’re going to say what about Yumminess? Yumminess doesn’t count, he’ll always be there, and yes we know that there is that total connection but we also know that Yumminess and I are only ever destined to be friends. So yes M is the first since The Past that I have actually allowed myself to think there could be a relationship there. I actually allowed myself to break my rule for 2011 and allow myself to think about a romantic relationship, *Sighs* Silly girl.

The reality of the situation is that M is really not all that into me. If I think about it I’m the one that has been chasing him, texting, asking him out etc. I haven’t seen him since that one date what three weeks ago, and I really don’t think I will again. I really don’t think he’s all that into me. *sighs* but it’s really okay. Okay I just keep telling myself that…oh and to SMILE!!!

So long story short I called Iz this morning told her that my friendship with her and MS was over in no uncertain terms. I told her that I was done with M and to enjoy her life. *claps hands* So it’s done and over with.

The only really sucky thing about the entire situation is that next week is Valentines Day. The other side of it is do I really want to be with someone who really isn’t into me so for the sake of that stupid stupid day? or for that matter in general? nope! I want someone TOTALLY into ME!!! A man who understands what’s important to me in a relationship, one who tells me what’s important to him, the one who makes me feel secure, wanted and sexy. Someone romantic, sweet & giving. I’m willing to be patient and wait for it. So I will go about my Valentines as I had previously planned, attend the Singles event with my group and SMILE SMILE SMILE!!!

On a HUGE positive note, the competition is going well. I’ve lost 3 more lbs. Training is going a bit slower than I had hoped, but I just started the couch to 5K challenge so I am excited about that and have an appointment with Road Runner to get fitted for correct shoes.

My girlie group is going strong and the women that are in it are so amazing that I have to pinch myself sometimes to see if I am really real. Yesterday being a really CRAPY day they all rallied around and were there for me. I’m so grateful to them.

The new singles/dating group I started is also going AWESOME!!! We had our first event the other night and 9 people showed up. Tonight is Taco Tuesday, so who knows *smiles* I might meet someone new and all this past few weeks will truly be swept under the rug!

So I learn and the times I don’t I’m not beating myself up, it’s like running or learning to run, ya take it minute by minute and enjoy the scenery!