Watch out for the rocks when you take that step.

A few weeks ago I put myself out there again for Yumminess I asked him to attend a holiday party with me this weekend. I asked in plenty of time, expressed what he would be providing for me, how it would make me happy and all of that. At first he was positive and stated he was tentatively going, just needed to work out arrangements for his Daughter.

But as the past 2 weeks have passed he’s talked himself out of it once again, he’s allowed his fear, his thoughts that he knows what is best for me to change his mind. To say that he can’t provide this for me. *sighs*

I respect him, and his honesty, I just wonder sometimes how long do you wait? How often do you put yourself out there? WHEN will he realize what I realize? Him of all people why is it that he is so easily able to waste precious precious time being alone and unhappy.

I really have no idea what keeps me thinking something will change with him. What made me think that this new way of understanding men, this new way of communicating with them, this new strength to respect them and to see them in a new light would somehow change things between him and I. Why I would even think that it ever will change.

Make sure you have shoes one when you take that first step, you never know how sharp the rocks of rejection can be.

Rules of dating friends ex's, What are they?

What are the rules of dating a friends ex? Recently a former close friend of mine's Ex BF contacted me on a dating site and said sorta remember me? We emailed back and forth for a few hours and talked about getting together for dinner, but what are the rules about dating a friends ex.

She and I aren't that close anymore in fact I haven't seen her or talked to her in at least a year, but does that still make it okay to go out with him?

He does have a few of my bottom lines so not sure why I am even considering having dinner with him and not sure if I have much in common with him. But then again he and I haven't really talked a lot. When he was dating my GF we'd all hang out, watched the super bowl, new years eve, Olympics together, enjoyed good cheeses and laughter's, but is that enough?

Am I creating my own drama in my life yet again by thinking about having dinner with him? What are the rules on dating a friends ex?

Is negative attention better than no attention at all?

I remember when The Past and I were together that we would fight sometimes and I remember sometimes starting the fights just to get attention from him. I seemed to be okay with getting the negative attention the fighting with him as long as I was getting some attention from him. Silly isn’t it? No it wasn’t to have make up sex, although that was always nice.

I’ve learned recently that it is because as a woman we want, NO, we need to feel connected. That’s why we want to hear from the men/people in our lives, it’s why we seem to always want more from them. Its why well at least for myself I always seem to want to reach out one more time in a text, email, phone call, whatever.

I’m learning a lot about myself and the men in my life but at the same time I’m trying to understand my needs, wants and desires. I working on the understanding of a man’s differences from a woman, and working on being that safe trusting place for them to come to express themselves, to be open and honest, to well just be themselves without fear of ridicule, judgment or anger. Men are men amazing people although they are different from women they are just as deserving to being treated right.

So work on getting that positive attention from someone, that attention that is true, worthy and real, instead of that of which you have to manipulate to get.

Time is Precious…so is life.

Grandma’s passing reminded me yet again how precious life is. Why is it when we lose someone, hear of someone passing, or a terrible accident that we are reminded how little time we really have with our loved ones. We take time for granted and don’t live every moment to the fullest?

Friday I heard about two awful stories that brought once again to my heart, life and soul this reminder. First Yumminess told me about his daughters teacher committing suicide, be still my heart, and my thoughts out to that family and all affected by it. I’ve been there I know how alone life can seem at times. I’ve faced that darkness many a time over my adult life, but something, someone or someway I am reminded of the gift of life and have never gone through with it. I thank my life every day for this strength.

Later Friday evening my Huckleberry told me about our graduating classes President whom we just saw in August at the 20 year reunion was in a terrible car accident in September that has left him a paraplegic. Its strange to think that just the month before we were all laughing, smiling, taking photos and commenting on our lives successes, then a few months later we hear this change in his life.

Until the accident he led such an amazing full life. He was a very successful doctor, with a stunning wife, 4 young children, lived the rock star life. We all called him our Facebook Superstar. Always posting photos with Charger players, musicians, and local celebrities, attending wild parties and big local events. All that changed in an incident with a single car accident, that has changed his life forever. There is no more Facebook for him, he’s taken inside himself and feeling sorry for his new life. Which is I know a process of the healing of this terrible accident. I pray for him and his family, and pray that something positive will come out of this all. That he will be a beacon of strength for his family, his children and all that come into contact with him.

With all these changes all around me I look around and see how much we all waste precious lives time. With anger, fear, resentment, it’s all holding us back from what life has to offer the beauty all around us, the love, friendship, adventures. Each moment, year, month, week, day, hour, minute, second, is all truly a gift to enjoy and be grateful for.

I’m working on reminding myself each second to maintain alertness in my walking, sitting, eating, sleeping and most of all my living. To remain focused that time is precious and to enjoy it, to live it, to love it.

I took the first step.

I took a chance today, I asked Yumminess to accompany me to a Holiday Party in two weeks. It took everything in my power to put myself on that plate again with him but after Grandma passing, and all the other little stresses over the past few months, I just can't see myself walking away from him. Life is really to short.

Tonight I had dinner and a movie with my Huckleberry, she told me about a HS friend of ours who was in a terrible accident in Sept that left him a paraplegic. Hearing that and hearing from Yumminess how his daughters teacher committed suicide a few weeks ago on top of Grandma's passing, it made me realize that YES life is way to short and that tomorrow is not guaranteed. So if that means I need to be the one that takes that step, and shows my cards to Yumminess then I will.

He really is the one in my heart I just need him to see how wonderful our lives can be joined. So I took the first step hopefully its not the last.

Wanna be sneeky? You'll always be caught.

I started to write this blog before leaving town for Grams Funeral and now it just seems so foregin and so long ago, but I will continue with where I left off.

11/10/11
So many thoughts and things have gone in my life the past few days not even sure where to begin.


I've been using the tools I learned in the workshop to communicate with the men in my life and its really amazing the responses back. My dad and I are leaving for Washington for Grandma's funeral. The communication between us on email and my appreciation for him being able to provide for me financially and emotionally to be able to go, has been amazing and strange in a sense. It really is a totally different way of thinking and talking to men. Its amazing and wonderful and uplifting.


I've been trying to use the tools with women also, thanking them for what they provide and give me in my life. Today after finding out something that A,K&K did behind my back, I used it to write very caring and honest emails to them and removing them from the GP group. I feel bad a little bit about my part in it, at the same time my thought is ya wanna be sneeky, manipulative and mean about things, you're going to get caught and you may not like the outcome.

11/15/11
So many things have occured since starting this post 5 days ago and so many things just don't seem important anymore. A emailed me wanting her money back for the theater tickets. While I was out of town I received a long email from C telling me how awful I am and that she has decided to leave GP. All of it hurt a bit but I have realized a few things from this experience I"M NOT FOR EVERYONE!!!, that I can only do what I feel is right from within and that life is to short to hold onto all this negativity around me. Will I miss the friendships of them sure? But to what degree were we really friends? They didn't know me and by judging and leaving without attempting to be honest about thier feelings or talking it out is that a true friend? So I wish them well and take what I will from the situation and move on. Life is to short for this all.

Grandma's gone, and although she's been sick for so long its still STRANGE to know that she's gone. To know that she's not a phone call away to call up and empty my basket asking for advice. To know that she's not going to greet us with a smile, a card game or cookies, just makes me tear up and wish I could turn back time just for one more moment with her.

It was wonderful to be with family and to celebrate her life, but it was bittersweet, knowing this is probbably the last family event that we will all be together for. My family is such an ecentric group of people that make up who I am, and I wouldn't change that for the world. The trials and tribulations that I have gone through in my life have made me who I am today and if those that have choosen to judge me or leave my life because they have failed to understand or know what has occured in my life to mold me to who I am today, then they really aren't people I need in my life.

Sneekiness gets you no where, you'll always get caught. Those that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, unless you want your windows broken.

Good bye Grandma Ruth~ Make sure to keep the cookie jar stocked!

My grandma passed away yesterday morning. My Mum got the news Saturday night grandma had taken a turn for the worse, mum caught the first flight out of town the next morning only to arrive to late to say goodbye. Grandma went to her maker at 8am Sunday morning.

I got the news at lunch when I was in a workshop Sunday morning. I called my dad who told me the news. I felt numb, not sure how to feel. Tears didn’t come till a few minutes later when texting with my mum, even then it was only really a welling up of the eyes not a full on cry. I’m sure that will come at the funeral or when I get to Washington State but for now I’m just feeling really numb.

My mind is swirling about wanting to help mum, to hold her whatever she needs. But all I can do for now is support her through text and pray for her strength to get through this. We’ve known for so long that grandma was going to be gone soon, but it’s hard to actually grasp that it has happened. A positive note is that she is no longer in pain and is in a happier place, hopefully dancing a jig with my grandpa.

I’m stumped and really not sure what to do. My dad informed me that it’s not necessary for him or I to go to the funeral my mum said. I really want to go and not sure what to do about it this feeling of helplessness. I don’t know what to do. It would be easier to just stay here and not go up financially, but emotionally I know I need to go. I need that closure. I have no idea what to do.

This feeling of numbness seems to just keep coming and has no fathom of leaving me.

I want to hear the stories about my grandma, share in her life with my cousins, aunties, uncles, mum and brother. I want to experience her life, her spirit one last time. Smile when I hear about her cooking, laughter, competitiveness, her love.

I remember the summers I would go up and stay with Grandma. Picking berries, babysitting the neighbor’s kids, taking the train to my aunties in Oregon, watching the Muppets with grandma Sunday evenings, hearing her tell the stories about her mountain, and the antics my mum, aunties and uncles would get into as children.

I remember the Easters she would come to SD to visit us, the Easter egg hunts. I remember the night that my high school BF came in to ask my dad if I could go up to Camarillo to meet his parents and my grandma was there and just smiled to Peter that it would be okay.

I remember sending her flowers after my first trip alone to her while planning the family reunion, and hearing her smile on the phone. Or sending her Easter baskets of goodies just because I knew she’d appreciate it. Seeing my mum go straight for the cookie jar knowing grams would always have peanut butter cookies ready.

Being taught how to make my first blueberry pie, and staring amazement as grams worn out cookbook that you could feel was full of love. She was a cook beyond any other and she knew how to put on a spread. She was my grandma the one who was always there with a supporting cheer, a smile, just the right word. A hug, a smile a look that always made you feel like life was good.

You will be missed grandma, but this world is defiantly a better place because of you. After all none of us would be here without you! We’ll see you again one day, just keep the cookie jar stocked for us!

Update: I've been putting this update off for about a week now, not really sure why, maybe the emotions still being so raw maybe not being sure what to say. The funeral was sad, heart warming and a bit surreal. It was a short and simple event at the gravesite. All the family was there, Aunties, Uncles, Cousins, Grandma's friends. We were all there to say goodbye to such an amazing woman. Here is it 10 days later and I miss her terribly. I know she is with me as I feel her presence around me every time I smile.

For me the most amazing part of the weekend was the gift that I brought home with me. My Grandpa Jim was a Sheet Metalist and a carpentar. When he was laid off from his sheet metal job because of computers and stuff coming and doing thigs quicker, Grandpa started a furniture business. He made all sorts of things around Grandma's house. To me precious pieces of furniture. What I didn't know was that he made this little end table, that I knew would fit perfectly next to me bed. When I found out from my Auntie and Uncle that my grandpa had made it, I wanted it that much more. To have a piece of both my parents with me just seemed appropriate. So my dad and I got it packaged up and brought it home on the plane. It fits perfectly next to my bed and feels like two special angels are constantly watching over me while I sleep.

So being home and re-settled, adjusting to life without grandma, without that lifeline to be able to call when you just need an unconditional pat on the back. I miss her so, but hold in my heart all her wisedom, love and acceptance.