Good bye Grandma Ruth~ Make sure to keep the cookie jar stocked!

My grandma passed away yesterday morning. My Mum got the news Saturday night grandma had taken a turn for the worse, mum caught the first flight out of town the next morning only to arrive to late to say goodbye. Grandma went to her maker at 8am Sunday morning.

I got the news at lunch when I was in a workshop Sunday morning. I called my dad who told me the news. I felt numb, not sure how to feel. Tears didn’t come till a few minutes later when texting with my mum, even then it was only really a welling up of the eyes not a full on cry. I’m sure that will come at the funeral or when I get to Washington State but for now I’m just feeling really numb.

My mind is swirling about wanting to help mum, to hold her whatever she needs. But all I can do for now is support her through text and pray for her strength to get through this. We’ve known for so long that grandma was going to be gone soon, but it’s hard to actually grasp that it has happened. A positive note is that she is no longer in pain and is in a happier place, hopefully dancing a jig with my grandpa.

I’m stumped and really not sure what to do. My dad informed me that it’s not necessary for him or I to go to the funeral my mum said. I really want to go and not sure what to do about it this feeling of helplessness. I don’t know what to do. It would be easier to just stay here and not go up financially, but emotionally I know I need to go. I need that closure. I have no idea what to do.

This feeling of numbness seems to just keep coming and has no fathom of leaving me.

I want to hear the stories about my grandma, share in her life with my cousins, aunties, uncles, mum and brother. I want to experience her life, her spirit one last time. Smile when I hear about her cooking, laughter, competitiveness, her love.

I remember the summers I would go up and stay with Grandma. Picking berries, babysitting the neighbor’s kids, taking the train to my aunties in Oregon, watching the Muppets with grandma Sunday evenings, hearing her tell the stories about her mountain, and the antics my mum, aunties and uncles would get into as children.

I remember the Easters she would come to SD to visit us, the Easter egg hunts. I remember the night that my high school BF came in to ask my dad if I could go up to Camarillo to meet his parents and my grandma was there and just smiled to Peter that it would be okay.

I remember sending her flowers after my first trip alone to her while planning the family reunion, and hearing her smile on the phone. Or sending her Easter baskets of goodies just because I knew she’d appreciate it. Seeing my mum go straight for the cookie jar knowing grams would always have peanut butter cookies ready.

Being taught how to make my first blueberry pie, and staring amazement as grams worn out cookbook that you could feel was full of love. She was a cook beyond any other and she knew how to put on a spread. She was my grandma the one who was always there with a supporting cheer, a smile, just the right word. A hug, a smile a look that always made you feel like life was good.

You will be missed grandma, but this world is defiantly a better place because of you. After all none of us would be here without you! We’ll see you again one day, just keep the cookie jar stocked for us!

Update: I've been putting this update off for about a week now, not really sure why, maybe the emotions still being so raw maybe not being sure what to say. The funeral was sad, heart warming and a bit surreal. It was a short and simple event at the gravesite. All the family was there, Aunties, Uncles, Cousins, Grandma's friends. We were all there to say goodbye to such an amazing woman. Here is it 10 days later and I miss her terribly. I know she is with me as I feel her presence around me every time I smile.

For me the most amazing part of the weekend was the gift that I brought home with me. My Grandpa Jim was a Sheet Metalist and a carpentar. When he was laid off from his sheet metal job because of computers and stuff coming and doing thigs quicker, Grandpa started a furniture business. He made all sorts of things around Grandma's house. To me precious pieces of furniture. What I didn't know was that he made this little end table, that I knew would fit perfectly next to me bed. When I found out from my Auntie and Uncle that my grandpa had made it, I wanted it that much more. To have a piece of both my parents with me just seemed appropriate. So my dad and I got it packaged up and brought it home on the plane. It fits perfectly next to my bed and feels like two special angels are constantly watching over me while I sleep.

So being home and re-settled, adjusting to life without grandma, without that lifeline to be able to call when you just need an unconditional pat on the back. I miss her so, but hold in my heart all her wisedom, love and acceptance.