Heavy hearted

One of A’s marines killed himself last night.

It’s a surreal feeling to get a text from your BF saying “I’m numb” “ I need to call you”. I knew something bad had happened, so I went to my car. I worried it was him wanting to end things but then I thought something might have happened to his mom or daughter, no it was a best friend. 

How do you deal with that? How do you as a military man fight with other men and women get closer than family and then have to deal with their passing? How do you deal with them killing themselves? How do you as a bystander help those that are left behind? There are always so many questions. So many that you’ll never get the answers to.

A wants to know the why, the details.  He wants to know what drove him to this. I’m sure he’s asking himself what he could have done. It’s normal but knowing from my own experience that you’ll never get the answers you are seeking. You’ll never truly know the why, the pain the person was in to take their own life. You have to mourn and move on.

He’s asked for some space to be alone. As hard as that is I am going to respect that and it’s really hard for me. I want to more than anything go over there and put him in my arms, to just hold him. But he’s not that type of man and he has asked for space so I have to give that. 

All I can do at this time is show him I love him, respect his request and just be here for him when he reaches out. If I don’t I’ll push him away and I defiantly don’t want that. I just pray that he doesn’t push me away.

The thing that people who commit suicide don’t realize is the pain they are causing others that they are leaving behind. They will be out of pain and that is all that matters. 

My heart is so heavy, my thoughts are sad and my eyes are swollen.

Get out of my head!

So many thoughts rolling around in my head causing me a bit of anxiety lately. I woke up at 3am this morning and didn't fall back to sleep till 5am. Woke up and instantly started thinking about the conference and all the things I have been neglecting due to the NRE with A. Not that I am complaining at all, I sooo enjoy spending time with A so much so that it feels scary at times. Its just before meeting him my focus was on the conference and all the things, now its like I have NO desire and a part of me has even thought about canceling the entire thing but I can't do that I have A LOT of people behind us and a lot of money out already. UGH! 

So I need to journal out all the feelings of everything. The conference I have started a list of things I need to do or follow up on and will get back to it in the new year. I need to schedule a meeting for the committee in Jan. So that is on the list also and then we will be focused again .

Puppy and I are totally over, I still can't seem to let go. I still seem to want to check on her and see whats going on but I keep getting told by Poppa, A and J to let it go. Its not  good for me and I know this. She is a very manic stage just focused on dick and getting fucked. Its so sad. I feel responsible for it but at the same time know she is an adult and I can't control her anymore. Plus according to her she's being told she's back to herself. *sighs* 

So I went to breakfast with a guy last week, we than hooked up at AE the next day and it was TERRIBLE!!! Like literally TERRIBLE!! The worst experience I have ever had. It effected my brain so much. So much so that I was questioning my feelings with A. STUPID SO VERY STUPID!! Actions over words always!!! The guys actions totally changed after we had breakfast, I should have trusted my gut more. I should have known something was off, plus I have no time or energy for games or men who can't be honest about what they want. What's funny is he didn't get the precious pot, he just got a little play and well that was as I said AWFUL!!! So why am I still dwelling on him? I know because I allowed him into my head and actually allowed him in so that I questioned the men in my life, SO NOT COOL!!! UGH!!! 

A and I are doing awesome. I feel guilty about it sometimes. I feel like I have become so co-dependent again and that I am ignoring Poppa. *frown*  Poppa says we are fine and that he's fine with me spending time with A, I just feel guilty sometimes.  

The only complaint I could have is that A and I rarely have sex. He doesn't seem to want to have sex as much as me and I don't know it's the one thing in our relationship that is straining. But I am working through this, I read something today and realized my actions towards him about it is abusive and I need to STOP! He has every right as he has said to not want to have sex. (Just seems so strange to me) But I am happy with all the other things he wants from me and his time with me so why shouldn't I just accept that we don't always have sex? Cause he makes me hot and bothered ALWAYS!!! *smirks* 

Work is stressful because I feel like I am not doing a good job and now I have to do that stupid assessment again which causes me so much stress and anxiety. *frown* 

The only time I feel myself is with the leather family, Poppa and A. The only time I seem to not worry about anything is with them. They are my home, my heart and my sanity. I love them so much. I could do without the rest of the community and just stay with them every day, every moment and be fine. 

So now that I have rambled my thoughts out of my brain I hope to goodness they will go away and I can just enjoy the holidays. 

Rambling Thoughts

Not really sure what the topic will be today, so many things running through my head.  Mainly how I can’t wait to see A tonight and just lay naked next to him breathing hard. J Yes I’m talking about sex, and all the things that come with that. SEX SEX SEX. Since meeting A its been a strange rollercoaster of feelings he has come into a place in my life that I knew was empty but didn’t know how empty it was.  He makes me smile and my CGB panicking at times. UGH!!!

I cut off all ties with Puppy this past week. I just can’t handle it anymore she is making in my opinion really bad decisions and in order for me to heal and move on from the relationship I needed to cut all ties. It was hard and even harder when I didn’t see A for a few days and I felt so disconnected from him, but that’s been rectified. I think about her everyday wondering how she is and what’s going on but at the same time I will say that its really nice to not have to worry about her and the stress around her.

At Family dinner on Sunday L&J both said how they are happy that its over as she is an energy sucker. I need to trust not only my gut but also those around me that I love’s gut. Poppa said the same thing about puppy and I tried to dismiss it but he was right.  So hoping that in the future I can listen and not get myself stuff in something that will just be determinately to my well-being.

Dinner was really nice. I love my chosen family so much and would much rather spend time with them than anyone else.  Well except for when I get to spend time with A. J

I realized this weekend that after about 3 days of not seeing him, or two days of no real communication from him I start to feel disconnected and I start to get into my head. I can’t stand that.  So I need to be able to tell him that I can’t do that, I think he is getting it.

I’m suppose to be meeting a guy for tea tomorrow night after work and I’m actually sort of looking excited about it.  Not sure why, maybe I am wanting A to  feel a little bit nervous about losing me? But he’s not. So we will see

WHY the panic?

WHY!!! Why on the way to work this morning did my brain decide it wanted to freak out about A possibly being stationed elsewhere in A YEAR!!  Like is it really necessary for me to think about that right now? Why is if necessary for my CGB to be like "oh stop caring about him, stop loving him, stop all of it cause it will go away in a year". IT’S A FUCKING YEAR AWAY!! And not only that but there is a chance he could be stationed here for 3 years afterwards so WTH! 

Ya know CGB sometimes I don’t understand you either!  

Life has been good, is that what it is? A and I are finally in a place I can say that I feel safe, loved and cherished.  K & I are in a place that we both are realizing what our marriage is and loving each other  for being able to move and flow with what we both need.

SO WHY CGB? WHY this morning did you want my to have a panic attack for something I have NO, spell it N-O control over? Just enjoy the time with him and get on with your bad self!