Get out of my head!

So many thoughts rolling around in my head causing me a bit of anxiety lately. I woke up at 3am this morning and didn't fall back to sleep till 5am. Woke up and instantly started thinking about the conference and all the things I have been neglecting due to the NRE with A. Not that I am complaining at all, I sooo enjoy spending time with A so much so that it feels scary at times. Its just before meeting him my focus was on the conference and all the things, now its like I have NO desire and a part of me has even thought about canceling the entire thing but I can't do that I have A LOT of people behind us and a lot of money out already. UGH! 

So I need to journal out all the feelings of everything. The conference I have started a list of things I need to do or follow up on and will get back to it in the new year. I need to schedule a meeting for the committee in Jan. So that is on the list also and then we will be focused again .

Puppy and I are totally over, I still can't seem to let go. I still seem to want to check on her and see whats going on but I keep getting told by Poppa, A and J to let it go. Its not  good for me and I know this. She is a very manic stage just focused on dick and getting fucked. Its so sad. I feel responsible for it but at the same time know she is an adult and I can't control her anymore. Plus according to her she's being told she's back to herself. *sighs* 

So I went to breakfast with a guy last week, we than hooked up at AE the next day and it was TERRIBLE!!! Like literally TERRIBLE!! The worst experience I have ever had. It effected my brain so much. So much so that I was questioning my feelings with A. STUPID SO VERY STUPID!! Actions over words always!!! The guys actions totally changed after we had breakfast, I should have trusted my gut more. I should have known something was off, plus I have no time or energy for games or men who can't be honest about what they want. What's funny is he didn't get the precious pot, he just got a little play and well that was as I said AWFUL!!! So why am I still dwelling on him? I know because I allowed him into my head and actually allowed him in so that I questioned the men in my life, SO NOT COOL!!! UGH!!! 

A and I are doing awesome. I feel guilty about it sometimes. I feel like I have become so co-dependent again and that I am ignoring Poppa. *frown*  Poppa says we are fine and that he's fine with me spending time with A, I just feel guilty sometimes.  

The only complaint I could have is that A and I rarely have sex. He doesn't seem to want to have sex as much as me and I don't know it's the one thing in our relationship that is straining. But I am working through this, I read something today and realized my actions towards him about it is abusive and I need to STOP! He has every right as he has said to not want to have sex. (Just seems so strange to me) But I am happy with all the other things he wants from me and his time with me so why shouldn't I just accept that we don't always have sex? Cause he makes me hot and bothered ALWAYS!!! *smirks* 

Work is stressful because I feel like I am not doing a good job and now I have to do that stupid assessment again which causes me so much stress and anxiety. *frown* 

The only time I feel myself is with the leather family, Poppa and A. The only time I seem to not worry about anything is with them. They are my home, my heart and my sanity. I love them so much. I could do without the rest of the community and just stay with them every day, every moment and be fine. 

So now that I have rambled my thoughts out of my brain I hope to goodness they will go away and I can just enjoy the holidays.