One of A’s marines killed himself last night.
It’s a surreal feeling to get a text from your BF saying “I’m
numb” “ I need to call you”. I knew something bad had happened, so I went to my
car. I worried it was him wanting to end things but then I thought something
might have happened to his mom or daughter, no it was a best friend.
How do you deal with that? How do you as a military man
fight with other men and women get closer than family and then have to deal
with their passing? How do you deal with them killing themselves? How do you as
a bystander help those that are left behind? There are always so many
questions. So many that you’ll never get the answers to.
A wants to know the why, the details. He wants to know what drove him to this. I’m
sure he’s asking himself what he could have done. It’s normal but knowing from
my own experience that you’ll never get the answers you are seeking. You’ll
never truly know the why, the pain the person was in to take their own life. You
have to mourn and move on.
He’s asked for some space to be alone. As hard as that is I
am going to respect that and it’s really hard for me. I want to more than
anything go over there and put him in my arms, to just hold him. But he’s not
that type of man and he has asked for space so I have to give that.
All I can do at this time is show him I love him, respect
his request and just be here for him when he reaches out. If I don’t I’ll push
him away and I defiantly don’t want that. I just pray that he doesn’t push me
away.
The thing that people who commit suicide don’t realize is
the pain they are causing others that they are leaving behind. They will be out
of pain and that is all that matters.
My heart is so heavy, my thoughts are sad and my eyes are
swollen.
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