Drinking the day after

Last night I went to Club Catalina's Halloween party, Buttercup and Mike went with me. I knew I was going to get sloshed and had every plan on it. It's been a really rough few weeks at work and I needed the relief. I also knew that I wanted to have fun, dance, laugh and just release some stress. It was a great time. I did succeed in getting sloshed, and today I am paying for it.

Ugh I spent the entire day in bed, after yakking my brains out last night and all morning, I finally woke up around 1pm and felt like crap. Buttercup brought some cracker and Gatorade that seemed to help bring me some electrolytes back into my body and I was able to recover. But dang it I wasted the day in bed and trying to recover. 

Drinking is fine and dandy till you go over board and pay the next day. Hey at least my Dorothy costume was a huge hit!

What is a friend?

After my divorce I got addicted to an online adult chat room. My entire focus was this chat room; I lost 2 jobs thanks to my actions of needing to chat in it. I did meet tons of people and have what I thought as HUNDREDS of friends. Lots of people on IM, and was quite popular. (Well at least in my mind) This addiction went on for a number of years and although I did have a ton of friends they were all from this chat room/site.

What I came to realize after way too many years wasted on this addiction, was that these people weren’t really friends. They were screen names on a computer screen.  To be a friend to someone you have to spend REAL time with them. You have to know what their face looks like when they are laughing, farting, crying, or living life. A friend is someone that is there for you during the good and bad, someone you can fight with and then hug and all will be okay. Someone who knows what your house looks like cleaned and totally a mess, knows your favorite ice cream, movie, or  drink, the people who cheer your accomplishments on, and mourn the losses.  A friend is someone whom you physically do things in life with, someone who shares their life with you, who misses you when you’re gone, and can’t wait to see you again.

I started to realize that the people I looked at as friends where just words/screen names on a computer screen and I was able to eventually break my addiction.  I do go in and chat from time to time, but it’s not this undying need to be there every second of every day. To fall asleep at the computer, just to wake up and jump back on the room. Yes I had a problem and yes I’ll admit it. So what does this have to do with where I am in my life these days?

Although I don’t view myself as having this addiction any longer, I am realizing that many people think they are friends with someone yet they don’t spend any physical time with the person. A lot of people think they are your friend and all you do is text or IM.

It has become the newest form of communication, yet the most misunderstood (next to emails) and the most archaic in my personal opinion.  So many people misunderstand what a text means; you can’t hear the intention behind a text. So why is it that people are okay with texting and communicating this way? Yes I enjoy texting, and yes I do text, but I have a problem with having a serious conversation via text. I’m forced many times because so many people won’t talk on the phone or even meet in person to talk anymore.  It’s sad and it makes me at least wonder is the friendship really worth it? Let alone does the person on the other end even value the gift of friendship that I am offering them?

To me a friend is someone that you spend time with, you hear their voice, you share holiday photos with, you’re able to count on and them, and them you in times of good and bad. A friend isn’t a text buddy; it’s not someone that your sole form of communication is words on a small phone screen.  

Friends are those that call you to spend time with you and you them. So why is this so difficult to explain to the males in my life, who are saying we are “friends”? Why would you rather be alone and have a “friend” on text, than spend time with that person? I’d rather have friends that I know where they live, that I can call and will give me a ride home because I’m too drunk from the party, someone I can make chicken soup for when sick, hold their hand when they are upset, and celebrate lives accomplishments with. Is it so unreasonable to want a true friendship with the people that are in your life?

Have we really become such a technology society that even our friends are 2 dimensional? I’d like to make sure that all of mine are in 3D, true, loving, healthy, and with life forms, vers my various electronic devices.

Step up become a true friend to those in your life, for before you know it , your life will be gone and you’ll look around and regret the wasted time. Be a true friend, start today.

Downunder!

Hello from down under, Australia to be exact. What a whirlwind trip I'm on, Melbourne, Darwin, Brisbane, Phillips Island, Kakaduu, and Sydney, wheee I'm tired just typing all that. It has been a trying few weeks of travel. I think travel alone for this long is trying but add family members that don't totally get along and you've got STRESS!!! No one has strangled anyone yet, and we seem to be getting along fine for the most part. 

The house in Morning Side was amazingly beautiful and peaceful, Melbourne was a bit chilly but was very nice. Darwin has been EXTREMELY hot, 110 in the shade. We have a wonderful pool at the house and that has been a god sent, since you can't swim in the ocean rivers, or billabongs due to crocks. So the pool is nice. 

Kakadu has been the hottest and I will say has been very much like camping. We cook everything out on the barbie and sleep in a pretty nice hotel room, its a drive to everything and there is no internet access. I've been reading a lot of books and have been enjoying my solitude when I get it. 

We'll be off to Sydney soo and than home. I am really looking forward to Sydney, the opera house, the city and just enjoying getting back home to my own bed. 

I haven't met any smashing Australian men yet, but there is still time so who knows.  Mum would really like me to meet someone new lol just not sure is meeting him in a different country is all that smart. 

My next post will be from home and tons of pics. I took over 700 so far! Amazing shots. Can't wait to see them.

Jiggled brain

Sometimes I wonder where I get my thought process and why I think that I deserve certain things or certain looking types of men. I mean sure I have a great set of boobies, an amazing smile, sense of humor over the moon, and I think I’m pretty amazing, but I’m also overweight, and that is a huge well flaw. So why is that I view a man on looks, what he has to offer, his sense of humor and his intelligence. Is this normal?

Take for example a date I had the other night. We met for tea at a local Starbucks. I knew from his pictures on OKC that he was a larger man and I was okay with that. When we met I thought okay he’s a little larger than I first thought but give him a chance. He had terrible teeth, and smokes, strikes against. Him but he was really nice to chat with and I thought okay let me see. As we continued to talk though, I don’t know what overcame me but I knew right off the bat there would be nothing but a friendship. The attraction wasn’t there. Now yes I am not so shallow that I base things all on looks, looks I know come and go, but it was the fact that at mid-40’s he’s still struggling financially, he drives a crappy beat up van, and has a terrible relationship with his daughters mum. I don’t want to come off as materialistic or stuck up, but I would like to date a man that it doesn’t break the bank to go to coffee, a movie or breakfast. I’d like to date a man that can travel with me, who can go away for the weekend, etc. I would like that eventually to get re-married, purchase a home, and live a comfortable life. So I would hope that by the time you’re in your 40s you’re making decent money and able to provide for a woman in your life. Unfortunately cowboy wasn’t the one. *frowns*

So I ventured to a different realm that I have ventured to and stuck a toe in a few times and that was as a cuckoldess. I meet this okay looking man we’ll call him cucklooking. Anyhow cuck, wanted a cuckoldress (or a hotwife) a woman who is controlling, has sex with others, wears the pants (skirt) in the relationship and commands the attention in a room. I’m thought of this many times and some thought okay let’s venture here. We talked on the phone for about an hour in the morning and decided to meet for lunch. I dressed I thought appropriately for the date, not a lot of cleavage, etc. After all my focus was on the relationship part first, than build onto the kinky part. Well somewhere in the date (smirks) cuck decided that I looked too much like a school teacher and that it wouldn’t work. I was fine with it; he had and arrogance about him that turned me off. Funny thing is that evening he was begging me for a second chance, and the next morning when I thought about it he had already moved on.  What I learned is that sometimes your version of what you want a relationship and someone else’s might perfect on paper or in words but in actions they are worlds apart.

I miss T more and more. It’s strange, I know he’s not available and I know all I can get from him is emails, and when he gets home a few stolen months. But it’s nice to have a man actually think you’re sexy, beautiful, and a temptress when it seems everyone else around you things of you as a fat, ugly, unattractive woman. *sighs*

I think ever since the car accident my brain was shook a little too much that I wonder sometimes if I am dreaming or reality. Sometimes I seriously have to pinch myself to know if I am dreaming or awake. It’s a strange feeling. The feeling of seeing death, of wanting to share your experience, the knowledge, with those around you but not having the words to explain it to anyone. How do show those around you your sorry for your past mistakes, that life is beautiful, that granting forgiveness, love, and happiness to others is not something learned, but a gift. How do you share with those you have hurt, how do you ask for forgiveness and know that you have no power over getting it, and be okay with that? How does one accept that you have to love, forgive and treat yourself right before you can anyone else? The brain gets jiggled a bit and all the pieces fall out or is it together?

Heavy sighs

I heard from Jess yesterday that G is going through a lot. Work, divorce, just seems life is crashing down on him. When I heard this my first reaction was to want to hold him and make everything go away, but I couldn't, he won't let that happen. So I unblocked him on my celly and texted him. I don't know if that was the smartest thing to do but its what I did. So I sent two texts both pretty much saying that if he needed someone to talk to that I was here, and that I was sending positive vibes his way. *frowns* I had hoped he would respond back with at least a thank you, but alas nothing. So maybe the universe was right, maybe our time and journey together really is over. Maybe I need to just stop caring about him at all and just move on. Its obvious that I don't mean anything to him, so why should I allow him to continue to take up space in my soul, mind or heart. Oh I know why because I care about him, because when someone touches in my life its not like I can totally just turn them off because of spat, they have moved on or what not. Its sad and painful but the reality of life. *so take a breathe and sigh*

Its a 3 day holiday weekend and I am alone yet again. Alas such is a journey of life. Trying to figure out things to do that aren't going to cost me an arm and a leg because of the strict strict budget I'm on till November. 

Australia is 20 days away I am so excited, nervous and apprehensive. *heavy sigh* I'm going to make my list today and figure out what I am taking with me. I know it seems silly to do so early but being a preparer I would totally freak out if I wanted till the day before. This way also I can see if I need anything. 

HEAVY SIGH...it will be okay...and I truly hope my friend (ex friend) is good.

So Its Thursday!

Ugh! I so wish it was Friday! Then the three day weekend would be here and I could just veg and not think about work or the insecurities I am feeling inside. My gut is telling me more and more that I won’t be with this company for long and that is a really unsettleing feeling. I do TONS for them, I work my bootie off and yes I make mistakes but everyone does. Its just this feeling that you can’t make mistakes, that’s just a terrible feeling to have with a job. Plus this week I am extremely tired. *scratches head* is that time coming? Hmm

I told K yesterday that I just didn’t see him and I going anywhere. I’m just not really good with the passive aggressive attitude that he has, and the negativity is a buzz kill. So I thought I had cut ties, till this morning he texts saying why don’t I come over Sat and you can cook me dinner. I was like uhhh what? First of all even if I wanted to give this a second date chance inviting him to my house would not be an option especially not right now, second uhhh I told you yesterday I didn’t want to see you again.  *shaking head*

Its just sad everytime I meet someone I think of the potential and then when I’m on the date or when it goes bad I think about G. *sighs* and its really not that G was anything special. I mean he wasn’t Chatum Tatum or anything, but he was just comfortable to me. Except when he flew off the handle because of miscommunication. But when we first started talking and when he came over to my place it was some of my favorite nights. I still think and laugh about when we went to dinner in poway, about thinking he might actually kiss me that night and he didn’t.  He became one of my favorite people, the person that I wanted to tell things to, share things, laugh, cry, hold, be safe to yell to, unload my basket. But somewhere along the way  our insecurities and differences have over shadowed the feelings we had so many months ago.  It’s a shame because I miss him so, but I know that he will never make the step towards trying to fix the friendship, so each day I remind myself that this too shall pass and to move on.  Is it really that easy?

Buttercup has been getting on my nerves a lot this week. Each day I seem to find more and more reasons to be upset at her. Last night I flipped because she wanted her Bf to come down this weekend, at the same time I wanted to be alone. I get so frustrated at my place being a mess and that she really doesn’t seem to care. I clean and the minute she comes home it’s a mess again. Don’t get me wrong there are times that I am so grateful that she is there, like when she pays rent, or when she brings dinner home on a really rough night.  I like living with her most of the time, I just wish she was more considerate of my place. It reminds me so much of the complaints my mum had when I moved back home from my divorce. Sorta funny in a way at the same time frustrating.

I’ve been thinking of starting another Blog, something like me through out the year. I take a photo of myself every morning (*frowns* I use to send it to G everyday, he seemed to enjoy it, I miss that, silly huh?) and I thought wouldn’t it be cool if I did a blog with a picture a day? Then I could see myself throughout the ages. I’m thinking seriously about it.

It’s SHIT day So Happy Its Thursday, and I will say that I am!!! Celebrate tomorrows Friday!!!

Nope it wasn’t him.

Can you say NEXT? Yep yep Friday’s date was a bust. The guy is very nice and a total gentleman, but there was just things that didn’t click with me. Like the feeling that in my gut I get the feeling that he’s married. The fact that he stressed over these three little old ladies taking up two couches at the wine bar, to the point that until they left that’s all he could concentrate on. REALLY? Uhhhh chill it‘s not the end of the world. Like the fact that before we met he called me constantly and after all he’s done to communicate with me is through text (epic fail!) So I say NEXT, move on to the next man and who knows one day mine might be around the corner.            

It’s been over a week since I had any communication with G. I do miss him, I miss the friend I thought I had in him. I miss how it use to be, I just miss him. But this too shall pass, what he did and the fact that he doesn’t think he did anything wrong outweighs the missing part. It’s sad because we were just getting back to a good spot. Such is life. *frowns*

In other news, I am getting pretty stressed out about my trip to Australia. Only 3 weeks left and I feel so unprepared, financially, work wise, and emotionally. I’m trying to work through it and know all will be good but it has been such a concern in the back of my head the past few days that I feel myself fighting off an anxiety attack.

Speaking of work, it seems like I get one thing done and twenty more pile up on my desk. I realize I do get a lot more done when I stay late, or when no one is in the office. Funny how that is huh? I think I can just concentrate better when not having to be concerned with what everyone else in the office needs, or the phone ringing.

Other positive news, Jess and I are planning a birthday trip for her 30^th. I am so excited, I think we are going to take a cruise I’ve never been on a cruise and think it would be an awesome way to celebrate her 30^th birthday. SOOO much fun.

So it wasn’t him, but he’s out there, I can feel it. So NEXT!!!