A day to be thankful!

So its Thanksgiving day and I thought I would write something about being grateful. Right now I am grateful to be alive!

Tuesday afternoon while doing a bid run for work I was attacked by an upset competitor. For some reason he decided that I was the one to blame and followed me to my car, at which time he grabbed me from behind and threw me to the ground. Bashed my head into the ground, and beat me until the parking lot attendant pulled him off me. I am lucky that in all of it, I am only left with bruises, scrapes, a small concussion, and terrible dreams/nightmares. I spent the night in the hospital and so grateful to be out, home and able to spend the holiday with friends later.

I'm grateful to be alive, I'm grateful for a job that I adore, friends in my life whom I cherish and a family that is wacko but alive and living life. I miss my mum and dad today, as they celebrate the holiday in the middle east. *sighs* I can't wait to spend time with them at Christmas.

What a wonderful day it is just to say I'm alive and thankful for all that have a presence in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving All!

So this book I'm reading.

This book I have been reading off and on for the past year about healing and the differences between how men and women heal.

So this book has suggested that I just date to have fun. Date men that I wouldn't normally date, those that I am not sexually attracted to after all I won't be having sex with them. Just date, don't be so picky, just have fun after all they aren't my soul mate and that through it all I will heal my broken heart. The trick though is to date at least 3 men at the same time so that I don't get attached.

That's all great in words and thoughts but how the hell do I get 3 men interested in me enough to want to date me when I can't even get 1 to take me out?

I know let things go just enjoy life have fun. *sighs* so okay just DATE!!!

Do they laugh at your jokes?

Does the one you're with laugh at your jokes? No matter how corny, stupid, forget the punch line joke does the one that you're with laugh at them? That's friendship, that's love.

I've been trying to figure out the past few days what it is about Yumminess that makes my heart beat faster, what brings a smile to my face. Tonight I realized he laughs at my jokes. Its that simple. We have a friendship first, sure it needed to be worked on and made stronger but overall it was a friendship first.

He laughed at my jokes, no matter how corny, out there or me they were. He laughed at them!

How do you let go?

What do you do when you want to let go, walk away, give up yet you don't know how to? That's the recent issue I realize I am facing with Yumminess.

Today the sign was really hard and strong and I realized that nothing is going to change Yummines "can't/won't" isn't going to change tomorrow, this weekend, next week or maybe even next month. He's not in the same place as I am or need him to be and My compromising level has pretty much hit rock bottom, can't go much lower than having no leverage to compromise on.

I can't fault him for being honest and knowing he's not in the same place as me. I can't, am I sad about it? Sure? do I wish things were different yes? But they aren't they are the exact same as they where yesterday, last week, 6 months ago and no matter how much I may care about him, wait, wish, pray or hope its not going to change.

Just as I can't change the needs that I have or the wants from this relationship. We are just not in the same place and who knows if we ever really will be.

They say goes if you love something set it free if it comes back it was meant to be. All night I have been asking myself but what if you don't know how to let it free? What if you want to with all your might but you just don't know how to?

I know that it is going to be a difficult process to let go of Yumminess, there are going to be very real moments when I am going to want to reach out, there are going to be Sad/lonely moments when I am going to want to text or email or something. But I have to be strong and Not, I have to know that the best thing is to cut all ties and to really in my heart hope that one day he finds whatever it is that he needs.

Healing and moving on it feels like I was just here. One day I'll look back and smile with fondness for a time in my life when Yumminess made my face light up with a smile and my heart jump just a little. One day that will be true, once the healing is done.

Drained

I'm so drained tonight. Yumminess and I are yet again trying to figure things out. So why is it that I feel like the entire world is closing in on me again? that I am losing a grip on myself and my own sanity? Is it because I haven't gone to a meeting in 2 weeks? Is it that I really don't want to do anything again? That being in his arms today truly made me just want to be there forever....that it was safe. So why do I feel the tears coming on tonight?

Why do I feel as though its a good bye? A thought I can't seem to push out of my mind. *sighs*

Self Sabatoge

So I have an issue in life its called self sabotage due to my fear of abandonment. So what do I do? I do this push away thing, strange huh? I have always done it, I know it has to do with my biological father leaving us when I was younger. Don't get me wrong my daddy raised us and loved us as though we were his own, you'd never know otherwise, but that feeling of rejection from such a young age is still there.

You'd think since I know that I have this flaw, issue, whatever you want to call it that I would be able to control it. But nope, my low self esteem feeds into it. So although I may care about someone very deeply, and want to be with them I tend to do things to piss them off to push them away so that they will leave me so that when they do I can say "SEE, I told you I wasn't worth it". I'd love to meet someone that thinks I am worthy enough to take that chance on me, to fight to keep me, to yell from the top of the mountain that I am his and that he loves me.

I'm trying very strongly to not do this with Yumminess but I see it happening. Dinner with his daughter was yet again canceled due to his and her fears. Seems like a constant issue and seems as though my life with this man is just a soap opera, don't I see enough of those on TV?

Healthy boundaries

So I have been working on those healthy boundaries in my life for the past few years. I'm able to usually do it pretty easily these days, but those that you think would be the easiest seem to be the hardest. I thought setting boundaries with my mum was hard but lately setting healthy boundaries for yummy and myself has been really difficult.

Yumminess and I are friends! So why do we have this need to meet in private? or kiss, hold each other, etc.? This isn't healthy and makes me feel a bit used. So today we are suppose to see each other and talk, tomorrow we will be having dinner with his daughter, but today is to talk somethings out in person. As email, IM and text is not a healthy way of communicating these things.

Yumminess asked me last night if I could get off work early and I actually thought about it and was excited, but than I started thinking about it and realized that it was really a healthy thing for me financially, mentally or physically. So I decided that I wasn't willing to do that, furthermore that I felt that we should meet in public somewhere, such as Starbucks.

Yumminess wants the pawning, stroking, physical connection when he needs that but emotionally that only confuses me and leaves me feeling used. So if I am going to be there as a friend for him and his daughter I realized I am going to have to be strong and not allow ourselves to be put into those intimate situations. If I don't allow the intimacy than I really can't have any expectations. After all as he has so eloquently reminded me time and time again that I need to accept him for whom he is and that I am not his GF, fiance or wife. These are all true statements and I have realized that I need to protect myself emotionally and this really is the healthiest way I know how to do it.

Why is it those that mean the most seem to hurt you the deepest?

BLAME

Blame is a funny thing if you think about it. People blame each other all the time for different things, Wars starting, car crashes, even a simple wrong sandwich ordered. But the most common blame is that of emotions, people blame others for how they act, feel or say. If you take a step back though and realize that NO one has control over you than really who is there to blame but yourself?

You allow others actions to upset you. If someone says they are going to call and they don’t you have to get past the negative thoughts that it’s something about you and realize that REALLY it’s about that person who didn’t call. That is really on them, it’s their value of character and word not a reflection on if you are a good person or not.

When I was married I remember knowing in my gut that he had a mistress but I couldn’t prove it. I just knew it. I remember asking him one time to just be honest with me. To which he threw it back in my face blaming me for driving him to another woman. I thought really?

Blame is a really tricky thing in relationships. Whether it be romantic, family or friends. As humans we all tend to blame someone else for our upsets, What if for just a moment we took a step back and said NO I’m not going to allow what you’re doing to affect me? Would we be stronger, healthier people? Or would we just be denying our truths?