Self Sabatoge

So I have an issue in life its called self sabotage due to my fear of abandonment. So what do I do? I do this push away thing, strange huh? I have always done it, I know it has to do with my biological father leaving us when I was younger. Don't get me wrong my daddy raised us and loved us as though we were his own, you'd never know otherwise, but that feeling of rejection from such a young age is still there.

You'd think since I know that I have this flaw, issue, whatever you want to call it that I would be able to control it. But nope, my low self esteem feeds into it. So although I may care about someone very deeply, and want to be with them I tend to do things to piss them off to push them away so that they will leave me so that when they do I can say "SEE, I told you I wasn't worth it". I'd love to meet someone that thinks I am worthy enough to take that chance on me, to fight to keep me, to yell from the top of the mountain that I am his and that he loves me.

I'm trying very strongly to not do this with Yumminess but I see it happening. Dinner with his daughter was yet again canceled due to his and her fears. Seems like a constant issue and seems as though my life with this man is just a soap opera, don't I see enough of those on TV?