The wall holds the hurt out....but also the joy!

Oh such is life. You wonder why a person has rules or boundaries in their life. It’s to protect their heart and soul. The mind can process the rejection, the turned shoulder, the realization that it isn’t what your heart thought it might be. So why do I always make exceptions for the rules that I know protect my heart?

Oh yes because inside I realize people are good, and that they need a friend, someone to cheer them on and show them the positive of life.

So I bent the rules for HS. Even though I knew that he wasn’t divorced and still living in the same house as his wife. I bent them sensing that he needed a friend and someone to shower him with care, affirmation, and encouragement  and today I get told that he needs the space that I knew he would need. So as much as I tried to avoid getting involved or attached at all, what did I do? I got attached!

He’s a great man. Funny, intelligent, handsome, and caring, and baggage! He’s depressed, stressed and needs some space…AKA cant’ deal with me at the moment. So rejection comes in a nice form, but it’s still rejection.  I understand where he’s at and know that he really needs a friend who will just be positive, supportive, and caring without expectations.

Does it suck? Yeah! It was nice to have someone charmed and enchanted with me, showered me with attention and really seemed interested in me. Alas I know better, I know to not allow myself to get involved in attached men! Ugh brain can you let the heart and soul know this and stop it in the future from happening.

I know why I tear them down, bend, allow the exceptions in, because when you build the walls so high it keeps the hurt out but eliminates allow the joy in also! Without joy life doesn’t matter.

So I will continue to live my life with an open heart, mind, & soul. Loving, giving, and protecting those that are put in my life, for the joy does out weigh the hurt eventually.

 

Numbness shouldn't surprise me.

Why am I always so surprised by people? I really shouldn't be. Earlier this evening I got a phone call from G its been awhile and I was quite surprised by everything he was telling me. So much had happened in his life the past few months. But what did it for me was that this woman whom he had sex with, they are now living together. I was dumbfounded and sat on the phone not really sure what to say to him, so I said that I was glad to hear that things were turning around and that he was safe and happy. But that I didn't want to get into the middle of the drama or cause issues for him and his GF.

Its funny how someone you had feelings for and thought that they had for you can just turn your stomach upside down when you find out where they are in their life. Or that you never meant anything to them.  I suppose what it made me realize more than anything is how much I appreciate HS in my life and all that he has brought into it the past few weeks. The other positive (as if I have to find more) is that I am ever so grateful that G and I didn't last. I wouldn't have wanted to be in the drama or realize that I was being used. 

He seemed sincere on the phone, but I really don't know what to feel or say. I'm  feeling a bit numb over the entire thing, shocked that he moved in with this woman, after telling me that he didn't want to date, or be serious about anyone. He tells me that its different she's a family friend they have known each other for years, that the boys know her, etc etc. But *shaking head* that is suppose to make me feel better? I sometimes wonder if people realize that things they say might seem okay but can sting like a bee and poison like a spider. 

I cared about him at one time. Tonight I just feel numb not sure why that surprised me.

Where is that DAMN map?

I wish my brain could tell my heart where to go. This weekend was a test of whatever it was supposed to do, say, feel, on top of it I started my cycle so it just helped make things that much more intense and emotional.

As I complained about earlier I admitted to him that I was having feelings for him and then it seemed that I was ignored all weekend. I guess it was a rough weekend for him with the soon to be ex and being sick. *Sighs* could my brain tell my heart/feelings to just not feel? That would be so much easier and so much more of sanity than this feeling I am constantly feeling at the moment.

Yumminess is causing heartache also. Can’t he just leave and the feelings go away with him? It would/will never go anywhere so why do I still have these feelings for him after so many years? Why the feeling of just give it a damn chance!!!

Oh that road map from the brain would be so welcomed right now!

DON'T ADMIT IT!!

So I made the mistake the the night of admitting that I liked someone more than I should or thought I would. *sighs* Ever since then things have changed. I'm trying to reel myself in and not seem so panicky or need but its changed totally changed since I admitted that out loud. I keep telling myself that I'm being crazy that its just that he's under the weather or busy or what not. But still it  feels like abandonment and like I'm not as important on the weekend as I am during the week. *sighs* I can't always explain my emotions or my illogical brain thoughts, but they are there they are me and it is what is. 


It was nice hearing from him, feeling like someone was attracted to me, interested, showing my attention but it all changed when I admitted I was starting to like him. *sighs*

I'm feeling my insecurities big time this weekend, feeling like no matter how much you might start to like someone that you should NEVER EVER EVER admit it. I mean EVER! The moment you do things change and they are no longer interested or act the the same way towards you. So if you're enjoying the attention, affection or what not..DON"T ADMIT IT!!!  

That feeling

How do I reel myself in so that I stay sane while that feeling or panic is creeping up? Its that feeling of liking someone a little more than you should even though the logic of your mental brain is telling you to not o there. How come the brain and the heart (for lack of another word to explain the emotional side of a person) can't be in synch when it comes to liking someone. *sighs* A little concerned that I am liking someone when all I can see in the tunnel up head is heartache. But for some reason I can't seem to make the train stop, or even want to pull the brakes. So how do I reel myself in and stop the panicky feeling that is building up? 

He's such a different person, issues, baggage, but *smiles* funny, intelligent, genuine, admits his faults and seems to be working on them. Plus he things I'm intriguing, (wait who doesn't?). We knew of each other back in HS, but didn't really know each other, funny how 20 years later you seem to click in a totally different sense. 

Buttercup asks if its just that he's giving me attention that I haven't gotten in a very long time. *frowns* I hope its not that. I really hope its what I am logically thinking it is. At the same time I know that logically I have to keep myself in check for at least the next few months, while he sorts things out on his end. 

Friends are always good right? Friends can build things to a different level, but as Buttercup said last night can you really keep it friends when you both know there is an attraction? 
                                        I DON"T KNOW!! 

Crap! I'm don't know the future, I don't have a crystal ball, I can't read the cards.  All I know is right now I'm really enjoying getting to know him. I look forward to spending time with him, and all I can think about is wanting to hug him, touch him and experience him. Is that so terrible? 

Is it so awful to want someone to care about and what someone to care back? 

Someone to show affection & attention to? Isn't that what our Higher Power created us for, to find our mate and live life lovingly, healthily, and happy for the length of the journey we are put on together? 

So why can't I put the panicky feeling aside and just enjoy the time, the path, the journey? Why do I feel like I'm never going to be good enough for someone? The feeling feeds my brain that feeds the insecurity. The thoughts of what if its not mutual? What if he doesn't feel the same? What if its just the physical, sexual part, he wants and not the added part? What if he's not feeling what I think I'm feeling? What if I scare him off? What if? Oh so many what ifs, what if, what if.....just take this feeling with you and your what ifs. 

So what if I just stopped and reminded myself that to find love you have to risk love, and the what if could be a it does!