How do I reel myself in so that I stay sane while that feeling or panic is creeping up? Its that feeling of liking someone a little more than you should even though the logic of your mental brain is telling you to not o there. How come the brain and the heart (for lack of another word to explain the emotional side of a person) can't be in synch when it comes to liking someone. *sighs* A little concerned that I am liking someone when all I can see in the tunnel up head is heartache. But for some reason I can't seem to make the train stop, or even want to pull the brakes. So how do I reel myself in and stop the panicky feeling that is building up?
He's such a different person, issues, baggage, but *smiles* funny, intelligent, genuine, admits his faults and seems to be working on them. Plus he things I'm intriguing, (wait who doesn't?). We knew of each other back in HS, but didn't really know each other, funny how 20 years later you seem to click in a totally different sense.
Buttercup asks if its just that he's giving me attention that I haven't gotten in a very long time. *frowns* I hope its not that. I really hope its what I am logically thinking it is. At the same time I know that logically I have to keep myself in check for at least the next few months, while he sorts things out on his end.
Friends are always good right? Friends can build things to a different level, but as Buttercup said last night can you really keep it friends when you both know there is an attraction?
I DON"T KNOW!!
Crap! I'm don't know the future, I don't have a crystal ball, I can't read the cards. All I know is right now I'm really enjoying getting to know him. I look forward to spending time with him, and all I can think about is wanting to hug him, touch him and experience him. Is that so terrible?
Is it so awful to want someone to care about and what someone to care back?
So why can't I put the panicky feeling aside and just enjoy the time, the path, the journey? Why do I feel like I'm never going to be good enough for someone? The feeling feeds my brain that feeds the insecurity. The thoughts of what if its not mutual? What if he doesn't feel the same? What if its just the physical, sexual part, he wants and not the added part? What if he's not feeling what I think I'm feeling? What if I scare him off? What if? Oh so many what ifs, what if, what if.....just take this feeling with you and your what ifs.
So what if I just stopped and reminded myself that to find love you have to risk love, and the what if could be a it does! 
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