Second Chances

I believe that people are put into our lives for a purpose. Like the saying goes a reason, a season or lifetime. I have always believed that people are put into my life like this, to teach, guide and offer support. I believe that when we are in heaven we make pacts with people on how long they will be in our lives, and we look forward to seeing them on earth when the time comes.

I believe all this and it has helped me mourn, celebrate and get past the lost of friends, lovers and family members. So when I end up smack against a wall wondering if second chances with a past lover is possible I try to look inward to look for the answers and unfortunately I can’t come up with an answer and my guides, angles, higher power haven’t reveled the answers to the question so far.

Many moons ago before I met The Past, I met an amazing man KC. KC and I had three very short but memorable months together before the military sent him over seas for what was suppose to be a three month schooling turned into almost five years in the sands of Bahrain. At first we pledged to stay together and things where strong and memorable, till the military turned that three month school tour into the sands of time. We stayed in touch here and there over the years, till we lost touch about three years back. Recently I did a search for him on Facebook and found him. My heart beating quickly and nervously I sent a FB request and an email.

The waiting to hear back from him part is a bit jarring as my impatience is known worldwide, and the fear that he is married, living elsewhere, our time has passed or whatever it maybe fills me with fear beyond belief.

KC was always this unfinished chapter; he was always that man that everyone else had to live up to. Emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually, the connection between us was electric and powerful.

I find myself sometimes floating back to that morning kissing him good bye as I drove off to work. Filled with mixed emotions of sadness but excitement to see him again in just a few months, that was more than five years ago. Could a second chance at an amazing relationship that ended prematurely really happen? Can a second chances at love occur?

out of joints

It feels like everything in my life is out of joint lately. My woman's group isn't as close and as strong as I thought it was. I feel more like an outsider in the group than the organizer. :( My love life is non existent. I've cut men out of it that I realize are just dead weight and only adding negatively to my life instead of enhancing it. My grams is in the hospital, my head can't seem to wrap itself around all the negativity going on and my body feels like its falling apart.

I'm journaling out trying to figure out a game plan for myself and to cut back somethings to come about to find myself again. Back to the program, back to working out, back to staying focused. Maybe I'll be able to find that peace inside again, instead of this feeling of my joints being all out of alignment.

Ever thought of ending it?

Have you ever thought about ending your life? Ever felt so alone, so empty so defeated that you can't see a way out? Your soul ever just crave to bond with someone, to be held to be loved to be comforted? That's where I have been the past month, and especially the past week.

I feel so empty so alone, as if asking myself WHAT MORE can happen? Losing A as a friend has cut me to the core, the abandonment coming out big time inside me. Being kicked off the BBW site and accused of things I didn't do. Having a psycho woman working hard at ruining my life. All of this leads up to the anxiety/panic attacks and the thoughts of never waking up again.

Its difficult to just find someone to hold me, to let me cry to help release the stress. The dark thoughts haunt me daily, hourly, each minute, each second I breathe.

Duck Duck Duck!!!

That’s really how I feel right now. The woman’s group that I run and have run for a little over a year just seems off lately. The core group of women just seems to have broken off into little groups and it feels REALLY crappy to be on the outside of it. It’s like this group of 5 to 6 of the women that have become really good friends and just go off and do their own things together, YES I know that is why I started the group but at the same time they are still a part of the group and they are very cliquish and don’t seem very open to meeting anyone new in the group. It’s depressing and hurtful at times.

A few of the other women in the group have expressed these same feelings like they are really not a part of the group. I can’t explain it and when I ask the women about it why they do this or that, they accuse me of giving them the third degree etc. etc.

All this BS and hurt feelings has been going on for a few months now where I am seriously at the point of stepping out of the group. *sighs* I adore the group and all that we do, but it’s a lot of work to put into the events and have only one or 2 people come, or have these clique of women decide to do something else that same night. Its just disrespectful, or that’s how I feel. *frowns*

So DUCK DUCK DUCK!! It seems like there is changes in the air, this group, the online site I was on and a new me. What does the air have in store for me?

I'm going to AUSTRALIA!!!

I'm going to Australia in March! I am soooooooooo excited. My parents are taking the family for my Grams 80th birthday! Can you believe that? So now comes the work of losing 50lbs before then and getting my passport in order.

The passport is important, I'll need it to go to Cabo in December. I can't believe I am going to be traveling so much! So exciting!!!

Its been a year since I saw Yumminess. During a recent session Sally and I talked about him and I realized it was time to be honest with him about what I want and need. Its been a year. So I went to his office yesterday and we had a nice talk for a little over an hour. He asked me to give him the weekend to think things over. So now comes the waiting period...oh and crossing of fingers!!

Life is good...I'm still tired, work is kicking my ass!! We lost a laborer yesterday on one of the projects, a terrible accident so I am having to deal with all that. I have to deal with the investigation on Monday and my thoughts keep going back to yesterday and the family. *sighs* sometimes the job is difficult.

I'm going to AUSTRALIA!!! maybe I can bring a hippo home in my suitcase. *giggles*

So tireddddddd

I'm so tired of so many things. I'm tired of what seems like everyone moving on with their lives with someone new and I'm still alone, I'm tired of what seems like constant girl drama, I'm tired of M constantly jumping on me about it and I'm tired oh so tired of family stuff.

Chewtoy married his gf in August. I was so shocked, especially after everything that she caused in July...amazing. But it goes to the if a man wants a woman he will do anything to keep her.

The Past is expecting his first child, and his wife and him had their official big wedding in Sept. *sighs* why's that bug me?

I'm living my life, work is amazing! It busy and it is overwhelming at times but its there. GP is going strong. We had a busy weekend and have another busy week coming up.

I finally saw Rascal Flatts in concert on Sunday! OMGOODNESS can you say AMAZING!!! It was so great!

Drama with the BB site that I am on, this woman whom I have crossed paths with a time or two is starting crap. *sighs* really? I'm SINGLE get the hell over it. You have NO right to get upset at me or anyone that I happen to date. It really is annoying and just painful.

M always gets so down my throat about the drama. I seriously feel that I should just walk away from him, I haven't seen him in months. Is this how friends are? *sighs* I miss him but I also know that this is all it ever is going to be. He isn't ever going to be ready.

Today Panda reminded me of that when she told me what had happened with J2. :( Its sad but so try, again if the man wants you he's going to be with you.

Life is good...but I am tired again...so tired of everything...and not only that but I have to go back to the Doctor for a check up, I can sense something isn't right. Just so tired.

BLACKOUT..San Diego 2011

The power is out...the power is out...oh no the power is still out. Whatever did we do before power? It's amazing how much we rely on power, you can't get money to buy food or gas let alone buy the food of gas. Then when you're home you have no TV, no internet and right now with the heat wave NO AC!!! Its terrible.

Thank goodness I have one of the coolest landlords ever, who hooked my neighbor and I up with extension cords to turn a fan and lap top on. AWESOME!!! Hence why I'm able to blog.

They say that the east power grid in Arizona went out earlier today which cause the North bond power grind to shut down...hence NO POWER in all of SD!!! Amazing really. Now if I had gas I would so be going some where...but lol the banks are closed, cause their computers are down and hence no gas stations open!! UGH!!! So I am stuck here at the apartment...but thank you for my lap top!!!

I had the foresight to put the crock pot on last night and make up a mean chili verde, which I shared with my neighbors. Its gonna be a long night...but at least I have a lap top and a fan that's more than some people have right now!!!

Enjoy the blackout SD, take a nice long slow time to enjoy time together, family. friends, read a book. play some games, catch up with each other...slow down from the hustle and bustle of life and ENJOY it!