Too big for society, too small for BBW's

What happens when you are to big by societies standards, but too small by the BBW world?

Recently I attended a BBW Bash in Vegas. I had been told that this was the bash of all bashes to go to. Its Vegas after all why wouldn't I believe them. I went alone none of my close GF's from SD came with me but I thought I'm cool I travel alone all the time. Plus I was meeting people I had meet at the SD bash just a few months earlier. 

Everything started out well. It was just like the SD bash only MORE people and people from all over the world. The thing I noticed though is that it was the same people for the most part. I felt like an outsider, which from a writers view is good but from a woman who just wanted to get away from the stresses of work, deadlines, family and friends and just PARTY it was a bit discouraging. 

People were friendly for the most part, but as I had witnessed in SD, there where cliques and lots of them. It wasn't as easy as I thought it might be to just go up to someone and saying hi I'm so and so and conversation start flowing. Conversation to even get to know someone seemed almost impossible, it seemed very surface, water cooler talk. Being the curious, nosy writer that I am I crave answer to questions most people don't ask when first meeting someone. I like depth, where have you traveled, what are your passions, your fears, your desires, what drives you. Alas there was not many of those types of conversations if any. 

The weekend went well, I came home with mixed feelings. Excited to attend the next years event, with trepidation and is it really where I desire to be. Is the BBW world really were I wish to pursue friends? Is knowing that some these women are so unhappy with themselves that they just eat and eat and eat to not address the real issues. Is it the culture that I want to put my energy and precious time into. I don't know. 

I do know that my journey to find my best  friend, lover & Hero will most likely not be a result of attending these events or bashes. Sure there are men that attend the events, but what I have found is that the FA's are attracted to the LARGER, or as they call them in the BBW culture, the SSBBW's. I'm not willing to gain wait to try and meet a man who the moment I want to lose weight leaves. Nor am I willing to change who I am to please someone else. They either accept me for me, mind body and soul as I would them or well alas we are not meant to me. 

So where does a woman size 22 who is to Fat in societies idea of the perfect woman, and too small to the BBW's culture of attractive go to meet a man? When you figure that let me know, cause I'd like to go there. 

Disconnected from...well it seems life and everyone in it.

Lately I've had this strange feeling of feeling disconnected from well everyone and life it self. I feel like my woman's group no longer needs me, that I'm not appreciated, or whatever the correct word is. Just feeling lost like I haven nothing in common or that no one cares. I know logically in the back of my brain that this is not true, I know that they do, but something has changed. 

I use to feel really close to K&A, but things have changed they don't text me anymore, they don't check on me or anything its like they've meet the others in the group and venture off and do things together. *sighs* don't get me wrong I'm happy about that, its exactly what I created the group for, but I'm feeling disconnected, out of the group and just unhappy. 

So much has gone on in my life since I last wrote. I turned 40, Buttercup threw me a wonderful day of surprises and gifts. She got all the girls together to buy me a charm necklace from Tiffany's I finally got my blue box!!! Even that day though when I should have been so excited and happy I was a bit po'd at the girls in my group. Its like they all had other things going on that day and I don't know I guess with all I do for others it would have just been nice to once have a day where I was focused on. Is that me being selfish? That's the part I try to remind myself of. 

I moved...I moved on my actual birthday, to an awesome 2 bedroom yummy condo. About 2 miles from my old place but so much more space, positive energy, light and room to group emotionally, physically and mentally. I love it. I'm still getting stuff in place but its coming together little by little. Buttercup is moving in at the end of the month, at first I didn't think I wanted her to but the more I thought about it the more I realized I did. 

So I'm out of sorts with myself and others around me. I feel disconnected from those I use to feel close to, angry really. Buttercup says to tell them but I don't want to...I want to throw a tantrum and I want them to check on me I don't have the energy to get someone to care about me. so instead i guess I'm harboring the anger which is not good cause it closes doors and holds the energy in. 

With so much going on how do I get past the disconnected feeling? How do I get my life back? How do I shake this all? 

6 of my 7 chakras are closed!

What exactly does that mean? How does it affect my life? Am I really a wack a doo because of this? I will say that after I laid down the other day breathing life and energy into my chakras I did feel a bit more balanced.  Can one’s life really be so out of loop because of the energy they are expressing, the energy they are bringing in or the energy they are not expressing?

So I have started on a journey to understand chakras and how to unlock and strengthen the 6 closed chakras. Of course the only one that is strong and open is the one related to sex.. how appropriate.  Will meditation, cleansing of my home, experiencing nature and the beauty around me truly help to set me back in place? Will releasing the stress of the world, the worries of finances, work, health, love all help in leading to a healthier life.

The mind wanders, the heart longs, the soul worries for is this truly the life I am meant to live? Maybe the opening of my chakras will led to the answers I seek.

The darkenss creeps back.

For the first time in quite a few years I feel the dreaded feelings coming back. I see the darkness creeping in and the feeling of losing it. I thought I could shake it off, stay busy with the girls, concentrate on work, take care of the important things, car, health, bills. If I stayed focused the darkness would subside again and the light would shine through once again. Tonight I feel lost, completely totally lost as though the darkness can envelope me and I wouldn't care. 

Who do I reach out to? Who do I ask for help? What do I ask for? How do you explain to someone that you're having an attack, but not really knowing what the attack is. How do you settle ones heart when you know there is no solution? How do you deal with the darkness when the light seems just as drab. 

Tonight I wanted a man in my life. A man who would hold my hand, and truly deeply care about me. when my car decided to break down right outside my door, I started to cry as I sat in her begging her to start. My thoughts were screaming WHY!! Why me? Why now? I just spent $700 on her a few weeks ago and was planning about $400 on new tires next month, but now completely DEAD!! Why? It's when I felt the most alone in a long long time. Its the first time that I have even wished I was still married so at least I could just give the keys to my ex and let him take care of the broken down car. But I can't, tomorrow I have to deal with it all on my own, I have to suck it up accept the fact that I am single and alone and a broken car. 

I told yumminess today good bye. The panic has taken over, I know logical that its the best thing and that if I just breathe and take one step at a time, one day at a time, it will get better. But the still underlying feelings of the past 9 years yells out NO, and hopes that he would do the same. Alas unreasonable expectations from someone who can't admit his feelings or willing to move along from his past. 

So I fight off the creeping darkness, the depression, the lack of care for anything really and pray that the light with shine through brighter and stronger once again, soon.

I'm turning 40 this year!!

I'm turning 40 this year (May 25th to be exact) and I decided to do 40 things that I have been wanting to do and putting off. Some are things on my vision board and others are just random things I thought would be cool to experience. So here goes.

	40 things to do for my 40th
1	Get at tattoo
2	Go the the Grand Canyon
3	Sky dive
4	Fly in a trapezze
5	Go river rafting
6	See a broadway play on Broadway
7	Create my will
8	Volunteer at Habitat for Humanity and build a house
9	Learn to play one song on the guitar
10	Write a song
11	Eat in all the resturants featured on Diveins & Drives within a 100 mile range of my house.
12	Learn to juggle 3 balls
13	Learn to Line Dance
14	Learn to Salsa Dance
15	Get custom fitted for a bra
16	Get a blue box from Tiffany's
17	Send a message in a bottle
18	Fall deeply, madly, helpless in love.
19	Sit on a jury
20	Create my own website
21	Visit the rememberance museum in LA
22	Be in the audience of a game show
23	Take Pinup Photos
24	How to buy a good wine I like
25	Try weed once
26	Get into an exercise routine I like & stick to it
27	Buy a gun
28	Compete in a swin meet again
29	Ride a mechanical bull
30	Sing my favorite son at kareooke and do it WELL!
31	Do a Pub Crawl
32	Spend an hour on an elevator- smile & say hi to everyone
33	Learn to wear heels and not fall or hurt!
34	Convience 5 women take the PAX program
35	Run a 5K at least 3/4's
36	Do a mud run
37	Learn to program a website
38	Buy myself flowers 40 times (at least once a week)
39	Hold a plank for 5 minutes
40	Create a calendar with my photos and give away to  friends/family

Get out of my own way!

That’s one of my goals for 2013, to not let the effects or thoughts of how others perceive me prevent me from doing and living my life for me.

Like DANCING!!  I love to dance I really do, I’m probably really bad at it but I love to dance.  Alas I won’t dance in public, I’m always scared that people are watching me and laughing at me. I know they are (come on admit it) but really what does it matter? It’s not like I am ever going to see these people again. Not like they are paying my bills so why is it that when it comes to dancing in public I just can’t? Get out of my own way!

So today I got out of my own way and posted the link to my blog for the girlies of my woman’s group to read. UGH!!! What have I done? What What What!! How could I have posted to let the women in my life read the most personal parts of my life? How could I continue to write honestly and positively knowing that they might be reading it? UGH!!! Get out of my own way!

So I’ve started on the goals for 2013 and it feels good. The year feels positive, strong and amazing. Get out of my own way is one. TRAVEL is another; yep I have finally set a definite date to go to the Grand Canyon 3.22.13!!! San Francisco by 9.1.13, LA in May, and NEW YORK for Christmas!!! TRAVEL I am so excited!!!

Financially setting myself up is a focus this year and I’m focusing on the 52 week savings, as well as putting money into a travel account so I’m not struggling when the time of the trips come around.

LOVE!! I’m going to find love this year! I’m not going to settle and I’m not going to waste time on the necessaries in my love life. Decide move on and focus, he is out there and I am worth the work. Sure I’ll have my heart hicps, I’ll have my hopes popped, and my tears. But in the long run I will find him and he will find me and TADA!!! LOVE will occur!!

Get out of my own way!! For if I don’t a traffic jam of life will occur and that’s never a pleasant feeling!  
 

 

A New Year, New starts, New passions, New goals, or is it?

Happy New Year 2013. The New Year is always a washing of the past, its a way to start again, to made right the wrongs of the past years, to start that diet, new love, new book, new goals. Its the starting of new goals that you may or may not finish. Its the beginning of another year of setting ones self up for failure, success, heart ache, rewards.

Like all the other MILLIONS of BILLIONS of people on earth I have set new goals and paths for myself in the new year. I have high hopes for 2013, love, peace, career, and health. All Perfectly acceptable goals to set. 

So as the past year is washed away so are the regrets, the mistakes, the things we didn't accomplish, the negativity of the last year and washed clean with the possiblities of the new. 

Happy NEW YEAR!!