What to do what to do

So a few weeks ago I get a Facebook friend request from someone from middle school & an email from him asking if I remembered him. Well I don't, as the emails passed between us he informed me that we actually dated for a hot minute back in middle school. UMMM ya do realize that was some 20+ years ago?

So the emails go back and forth. We exchange phone numbers, text a bit then talk on the phone. All the while I'm wondering okay what the heck does this mean? I get this strange feeling that guy wants to ask me out. Which is very sweet in away BUT!!! here is the part that I am scratching my head asking what to do what to do.

So this guy from my middle school years, that I STILL don't remember. Dropped out of school in the 9th grade, has since gotten his GED. Has been to prison not once, not twice, but I think it was 5 times for drugs related issues. He has gone through 3 drug rehab programs and swears this time things are different. I did ask him last night what he was hoping for by re-connecting with me and he said just a friend. I asked because I get this vibe that he wants to ask me out. He said honestly it has crossed his mind but that right now he needs to concentrate on himself and working his program. Which I totally respected.

I still can't help but shake this vibe that he is going to ask me out. So what do I do if he does? A part of me will be honest that I am intrigued by someone from my past it's a mystery, but if there wasn't that would I give this guy the time of day? I've never done drugs in my entire life and that is a total bottom line for me. So do I date someone that I know has a past of drug use? Do I say it's in his past? Or do I say I'm sorry I just can't chance it.

I mean what if I did date him, fall in love and the relationship went somewhere, THEN he fell off the wagon and back on drugs. I wouldn't be able to handle that. Protecting my heart is really the key issue. So I will leave it to my higher power and trust that there really is a reason for our paths crossing again.

It's coming!!!

So in a few more days I will be celebrating with a few dozen of my friends for the 7th anniversary of my 30th birthday. I'm excited a bit nervous hoping everything will come workout okay, but trusting in my higher power & friends that it will. It will be a fun night and I'm looking forward to it.

I was watching my god baby the past few days and it hit me last night how badly I really would like to have a child. To the point that I'm almost tempted to just go out and have one. The thing is having PCOS I know that I would have to have IVF's to get pregnant, and that costs money. Money that I don't have right now. I suppose I should trust in my higher power on this also that if it is meant to be it will happen. Still it would be nice to have a little one running around. It was nice the past few days having a little one around the house.

I can see the growth in staying true to my boundaries and the way I handle my family since beginning my program of recovery, to the point that I can actually pat myself on the back for making sound decisions. Its really pretty rewarding to realize that I am growing, like a little plant that is sprouting up towards the sun to a stronger brighter future. *smiles* it is quite rewarding.

I can also see myself growing on the dating end of things. This is the side that I have had most of my concerns when it comes to my codey patterns. Yesterday I received a text from a guy that I had gone on a few dates with, as recently as last week. The text stated hey we can't do anything sexual anymore as I am now in a committed relationship. I was a bit blown away and responded back, wow that was fast. We did a few texts back and forth. I wished him well with the relationship, he wished me luck on my search telling me that I had a GREAT personality and a smile that makes the devil turn. Now the compliment was nice and I had already decided that things weren't going to go anywhere with this guy, BUT...I will say I did feel a bit rejected by him and a part of me said a few times what is so wrong with me that NO one wants a relationship with me? It shook me a bit, but then I thought about his compliment and also thought about the fact that I really wasn't into this guy and he wasn't the right guy for me if I was into him.

So my higher power was looking out for me and just made it easier to step out of something I could of become very Codey in. When the right time comes the right person will present themselves. For now I am focusing on myself, my recovery, my passions, and my life! Ain't it grand! *smiles*

One little phrase that sends ya back to the feeling of an irresponsible teenager

I suppose I am luck that at almost 37 my parents are still alive. I suppose I should be happy about this. Don't get me wrong I love my mom and dad and do not wish them ill will at all. If something was to happen to them I would be devastated, but there are times that I wish I could make my nose twinkle (like Samantha on Bewitched) and my mom would seriously THINK before she took that jab at me or made a comment.

Amazing how one little phrase from her can make me feel once again like a irresponsible teenager. I know that I am giving her to much power when I allow myself to feel this way. I just wish sometimes that a mothers love and influence wasn't so powerful at least my mom's.

Will I ever be able to just say that's just my mom and sweep it off like a crumb that fell on my cleavage?

Is the door really locked?

So a strange thing has happened the past few months that really wouldn't seem that significant I suppose if I didn't have this strange psychic feeling that our paths aren't done. Ever get that feeling about someone from your latter days? That your time together hasn't ended quite yet? That the door hasn't been completely closed? No I am not talking about The Past, although I do have a similar feeling about him and I. No No this is about a very special man from actually before The Past came into my life. My dear KC.

KC and I had a wonderful 3 months together before he was sent to Guam for schooling and then onto Bahrain for what has turned out to be a 5 year tour. Although KC and I had a very short time together I will say that it was a truly powerful time. In the 3 month that we were together he showed me what a man in love does for a woman. At the time I will admit I wasn't as nice as I should have been. I did things to try and push him away, as was my protocol, but KC always stood by and talked things through with me.

Even after he left we tried to keep things together. Then I met The Past and he let me go. We have stayed friends via sporadic emails and IM's. KC always seemed to pop up on my IM on just the days that I have needed him, to talk me through things. I have always had this under lying love for him, respect and sensuality. I've had some very sensual dreams about him and some pretty bad nightmares.

So what is the strangeness that I am talking about? Well I re-added KC on my IM list about 2 months ago...he accepted but he has never IM'd me. He has logged on a few times and I don't know till he logs off and it notifies me. I am a bit baffled as every time we talk he tells me how he misses me, loves me and would like to see me again. But the non-communication leaves me baffled. I have IM'd him a few times after seeing the log off message, saying really? No hello? I even sent and email the other day asking what was going on. No response.

So is this just one door that is closed and I am trying to will it open again with no key?

So glad I got that tune up!

So it's happened again, but this time...this time my BS meter was up and running correctly. So what happened you ask?

Well it all started a few weeks ago (Doesn't that sound like the start of a nice fairy tale? *smiles*) This guy responded to a profile I had, let's call him Jae. So Jae sounded really like a good match. He was articulate, in the navy, cute, white, single (divorced he said for a year) lived on his ship, 3 kids, and seemed attentive enough.

He asked me out the first weekend for drinks, but I had plans with my GF's for a movie and dinner night. He pushed it a little bit that first night which or course bugged me as I felt disrespected by him not understanding that I had plans. The next time he asked me out I was also busy (HEY what can I say I'm a busy girl!) The next time he asked was for yet again last minute thing and I was again busy. During our first and only telephone conversation I explained that I lead a busy life and don't do last minute things or daytime days...that it raises to many flags that he might be married. To which of COURSE he assured me he wasn't!!! Regardless I told him that I wasn't available last minute.

A few days past and he texts me asking me to join him for a drink, OF COURSE I have PLANS!!! I'm starting to seriously think something is wrong with this guy, that he doesn't get that I don't do last minute meets. HE proceeds to try and manipulate me into meeting him, guilting me by say things such as come on be spontaneous. But I stuck to my guns and my rules and said no. Something wasn't sitting right with me with this guy by this time.

So the next morning I wake up and find a text from him stating he had been taken in. I thought okay strange...for drinking? or what? He said he'd contact me later. I didn'' really think much more about it. I get ready for my day and go off to work.

A few hours into work my phone rings and it is a restricted number. I don't answer restricted numbers and especially since getting my new number in December, only those I want to have my number have it, so it had to have been a wrong number. Bill Collectors don't even have my new number. *giggles* Anyhow the caller leaves a voice message. So I listen to the msg and it's from a woman claiming that she got my number from a Craig's list ad. I was like huh? So I call her back to which she proceeds to say something like were you looking at what we had to sell? I was like uh no, she said oh I must of heard the number wrong, I'm so sorry. I was like okay, no worries.

About 20 mins. later my phone rings again (okay it doesn't really ring, because I have my phone on silence or vibrate constantly) *giggles* but I see it pop up RESTRICTED...this time I pick it up a little irritated thinking I just told this woman she had the wrong number. So I answer hell0o and she says Sarah? I'm so sorry I just called you...do you know a so & so. I said umm yes...she said do you know he's married. I smiled and said to myself see I soooo knew he was married. (mostly to myself) and she proceeds to tell me that she is his wife's best friend and that the wife had found some texts between us. I told her He told me he was divorced, a year and a half now. I said I've NEVER met him. we've chatted on Email and text for a few weeks. But that I had this feeling he wasn't being honest so I didn't meet him. She proceeded to tell me that he had just gotten home from a 9 month deployment, was an alcoholic, gambler, and the wife had just found out that he had been cheating on her. I felt terrible as I had been in the wife's position a few times. I told the friend please tell the wife, I am really sorry, so & so & I have never met & if he calls, texts or emails again I can promise you I won't respond back.

I hung up the phone, shaking my head and said to myself, so glad my BS meter went in for a tune up!

So it truly makes me wonder if there are any honest men out there that are truly single and looking for a relationship. *sighs* good thing I bought the extended warranty on my meter it looks like I'm gonna need to keep it tuned up!

Decision making time.

So a few days ago my subbie & I were in contact again. Back in Jan my subbie and I parted on very bad terms with me feeling very violated and mistrusting of people.My subbie had recently broken up with his GF and asked if I would consider taking him under my wing again. I was quite flattered at this and considered it for a few days. I gave him a few assignments which he halfheartedly followed through on.

I proceeded from a different view on things this time, I seeked advice from those in similar past experiences, took it slow and thoroughly went over this limits, boundaries and desires. I took all of this into careful consideration as I proceeded to make room once again for little j in my life, something thought was not sitting well with my insides. I noticed that I was having a bit of anxiety about allow this sub back into my home, my life and my mind.

As I took a shower today preparing myself for my day, I realized that a part of me was really struggling with having him come to my tonight. A strong part of me said just cancel, but I let it be and went off to a birthday dinner for my sponsor.

Upon returning home I realized that I did not want to see my subbie tonight. I sent him a text saying to not come to my home, proceeded by an IM explaining that I due to his lack of commitment to what he has asked of me, I have decided that it is not in my best interest to train him and that I truly wished him the best on his path.

I will admit that I a part of me is struggling with this decision, the power one gets from having a subbie obey them I can't even explain. But the disruptions that it cause, the anxiety, and the havoc that I recall from the last time I feel will only cause me a few steps back in my recovery and in the journey I am on.

I'd been bouncing off a bit of paranoia the past few months with my Huckleberry. My huckleberry and I went to HS school together 19 years ago. (Yes I'm that old) A group of females form my graduating class got back in contact via Facebook about 2 years ago. We've managed to stay in contact since getting together for dinner, etc every month or two.

My huckleberry and I being the only 2 single with no kids seemed to hit it off and hung out a lot. she actually is the one that took me to my first meeting. I adore her and have always had a wonderful time with her. We use to get together for lunch, dinner, breakfast, hikes, talks, whatever all the time. Then she got a full time job, has money again and it seems like no need for me. I truly feel abandoned by her. I've asked her a few times when I can see her, to which it seems I get a response I'm free a week from Monday or not till blah blah blah. Yet I see posts on Facebook how she's meeting with this friend of ours from HS or this one. I truly feel hurt by this all. I've been biting my tongue on telling her how I feel and tonight just finally decided I couldn't stand it anymore. So I sent her an email on Facebook telling her a bit of how I was feeling and that I would like us to get together on the 10th to do something. We will see if she's free, willing and responsive to my invite.

I am struggling with another decision in my life that I have sorta been bouncing the thoughts and feelings around my head for the past few weeks. The decision is about my sponsor. Although respect her tremendously, like her greatly and have an enjoyable time when I am with her. For the past month I have felt as though we are more on a friend level than on a sponsor/sponsee level and this concerns me. I don't feel that she is readily available to me or actually helping me to move along on my path of recovery as she did a few months ago. Although we have similar sexual and dating situations and thoughts, the lack of her life experience and drama level has truly made me caution myself on my relationship with her. Could it be quite possible that I have already out grown her? I haven't quite decided the decision on this yet, but it is one that I am struggling with and will be giving over to my higher power for guidance.


There are a few other things going on in my mind that I am trying to make decisions on but at the moment they are as pressing. There are some amends that I am working towards and some peaceful outcomes that I would like to come of it. But at the moment I am happy with the baby steps of decision making in a healthy loving manner.

You would have been 14.

It would have been Izabella's 14th birthday a few days ago. My mind and heart swirls around that thought process and what type of young woman she would have been. I can imagine that she would have been hard headed like a typical Taurus, focused on her passions and desires. Would she have been boy crazy? Or a tom boy focused on sports? Would we be close or argue as we enter the teen years. Would she be embarrassed by me or proud to call me her mum?

So tonight I sit and think about my beautiful daughter and what she would have been on the  month of the anniversary of her birth. I decided to stay home tonight and not go to my meeting, not sure how smart that is but I just don't have it in me to sit there and listen during a meeting. Maybe it is my depression who knows I just know that I decided to stay home.

I didn't really want to be alone but the lack of being in a relationship and having someone to call on just to come over and stare at the TV with me is quite highlighted in moments like this. *sighs* This too shall pass & make me stronger. One would think 14 years later it wouldn't hit me as hard every year. *sighs* But it does.

You would have been an amazing angel on earth, just as you are amazing angel in heaven. All my love.