Decision making time.

So a few days ago my subbie & I were in contact again. Back in Jan my subbie and I parted on very bad terms with me feeling very violated and mistrusting of people.My subbie had recently broken up with his GF and asked if I would consider taking him under my wing again. I was quite flattered at this and considered it for a few days. I gave him a few assignments which he halfheartedly followed through on.

I proceeded from a different view on things this time, I seeked advice from those in similar past experiences, took it slow and thoroughly went over this limits, boundaries and desires. I took all of this into careful consideration as I proceeded to make room once again for little j in my life, something thought was not sitting well with my insides. I noticed that I was having a bit of anxiety about allow this sub back into my home, my life and my mind.

As I took a shower today preparing myself for my day, I realized that a part of me was really struggling with having him come to my tonight. A strong part of me said just cancel, but I let it be and went off to a birthday dinner for my sponsor.

Upon returning home I realized that I did not want to see my subbie tonight. I sent him a text saying to not come to my home, proceeded by an IM explaining that I due to his lack of commitment to what he has asked of me, I have decided that it is not in my best interest to train him and that I truly wished him the best on his path.

I will admit that I a part of me is struggling with this decision, the power one gets from having a subbie obey them I can't even explain. But the disruptions that it cause, the anxiety, and the havoc that I recall from the last time I feel will only cause me a few steps back in my recovery and in the journey I am on.

I'd been bouncing off a bit of paranoia the past few months with my Huckleberry. My huckleberry and I went to HS school together 19 years ago. (Yes I'm that old) A group of females form my graduating class got back in contact via Facebook about 2 years ago. We've managed to stay in contact since getting together for dinner, etc every month or two.

My huckleberry and I being the only 2 single with no kids seemed to hit it off and hung out a lot. she actually is the one that took me to my first meeting. I adore her and have always had a wonderful time with her. We use to get together for lunch, dinner, breakfast, hikes, talks, whatever all the time. Then she got a full time job, has money again and it seems like no need for me. I truly feel abandoned by her. I've asked her a few times when I can see her, to which it seems I get a response I'm free a week from Monday or not till blah blah blah. Yet I see posts on Facebook how she's meeting with this friend of ours from HS or this one. I truly feel hurt by this all. I've been biting my tongue on telling her how I feel and tonight just finally decided I couldn't stand it anymore. So I sent her an email on Facebook telling her a bit of how I was feeling and that I would like us to get together on the 10th to do something. We will see if she's free, willing and responsive to my invite.

I am struggling with another decision in my life that I have sorta been bouncing the thoughts and feelings around my head for the past few weeks. The decision is about my sponsor. Although respect her tremendously, like her greatly and have an enjoyable time when I am with her. For the past month I have felt as though we are more on a friend level than on a sponsor/sponsee level and this concerns me. I don't feel that she is readily available to me or actually helping me to move along on my path of recovery as she did a few months ago. Although we have similar sexual and dating situations and thoughts, the lack of her life experience and drama level has truly made me caution myself on my relationship with her. Could it be quite possible that I have already out grown her? I haven't quite decided the decision on this yet, but it is one that I am struggling with and will be giving over to my higher power for guidance.


There are a few other things going on in my mind that I am trying to make decisions on but at the moment they are as pressing. There are some amends that I am working towards and some peaceful outcomes that I would like to come of it. But at the moment I am happy with the baby steps of decision making in a healthy loving manner.