Jiggled brain

Sometimes I wonder where I get my thought process and why I think that I deserve certain things or certain looking types of men. I mean sure I have a great set of boobies, an amazing smile, sense of humor over the moon, and I think I’m pretty amazing, but I’m also overweight, and that is a huge well flaw. So why is that I view a man on looks, what he has to offer, his sense of humor and his intelligence. Is this normal?

Take for example a date I had the other night. We met for tea at a local Starbucks. I knew from his pictures on OKC that he was a larger man and I was okay with that. When we met I thought okay he’s a little larger than I first thought but give him a chance. He had terrible teeth, and smokes, strikes against. Him but he was really nice to chat with and I thought okay let me see. As we continued to talk though, I don’t know what overcame me but I knew right off the bat there would be nothing but a friendship. The attraction wasn’t there. Now yes I am not so shallow that I base things all on looks, looks I know come and go, but it was the fact that at mid-40’s he’s still struggling financially, he drives a crappy beat up van, and has a terrible relationship with his daughters mum. I don’t want to come off as materialistic or stuck up, but I would like to date a man that it doesn’t break the bank to go to coffee, a movie or breakfast. I’d like to date a man that can travel with me, who can go away for the weekend, etc. I would like that eventually to get re-married, purchase a home, and live a comfortable life. So I would hope that by the time you’re in your 40s you’re making decent money and able to provide for a woman in your life. Unfortunately cowboy wasn’t the one. *frowns*

So I ventured to a different realm that I have ventured to and stuck a toe in a few times and that was as a cuckoldess. I meet this okay looking man we’ll call him cucklooking. Anyhow cuck, wanted a cuckoldress (or a hotwife) a woman who is controlling, has sex with others, wears the pants (skirt) in the relationship and commands the attention in a room. I’m thought of this many times and some thought okay let’s venture here. We talked on the phone for about an hour in the morning and decided to meet for lunch. I dressed I thought appropriately for the date, not a lot of cleavage, etc. After all my focus was on the relationship part first, than build onto the kinky part. Well somewhere in the date (smirks) cuck decided that I looked too much like a school teacher and that it wouldn’t work. I was fine with it; he had and arrogance about him that turned me off. Funny thing is that evening he was begging me for a second chance, and the next morning when I thought about it he had already moved on.  What I learned is that sometimes your version of what you want a relationship and someone else’s might perfect on paper or in words but in actions they are worlds apart.

I miss T more and more. It’s strange, I know he’s not available and I know all I can get from him is emails, and when he gets home a few stolen months. But it’s nice to have a man actually think you’re sexy, beautiful, and a temptress when it seems everyone else around you things of you as a fat, ugly, unattractive woman. *sighs*

I think ever since the car accident my brain was shook a little too much that I wonder sometimes if I am dreaming or reality. Sometimes I seriously have to pinch myself to know if I am dreaming or awake. It’s a strange feeling. The feeling of seeing death, of wanting to share your experience, the knowledge, with those around you but not having the words to explain it to anyone. How do show those around you your sorry for your past mistakes, that life is beautiful, that granting forgiveness, love, and happiness to others is not something learned, but a gift. How do you share with those you have hurt, how do you ask for forgiveness and know that you have no power over getting it, and be okay with that? How does one accept that you have to love, forgive and treat yourself right before you can anyone else? The brain gets jiggled a bit and all the pieces fall out or is it together?

Heavy sighs

I heard from Jess yesterday that G is going through a lot. Work, divorce, just seems life is crashing down on him. When I heard this my first reaction was to want to hold him and make everything go away, but I couldn't, he won't let that happen. So I unblocked him on my celly and texted him. I don't know if that was the smartest thing to do but its what I did. So I sent two texts both pretty much saying that if he needed someone to talk to that I was here, and that I was sending positive vibes his way. *frowns* I had hoped he would respond back with at least a thank you, but alas nothing. So maybe the universe was right, maybe our time and journey together really is over. Maybe I need to just stop caring about him at all and just move on. Its obvious that I don't mean anything to him, so why should I allow him to continue to take up space in my soul, mind or heart. Oh I know why because I care about him, because when someone touches in my life its not like I can totally just turn them off because of spat, they have moved on or what not. Its sad and painful but the reality of life. *so take a breathe and sigh*

Its a 3 day holiday weekend and I am alone yet again. Alas such is a journey of life. Trying to figure out things to do that aren't going to cost me an arm and a leg because of the strict strict budget I'm on till November. 

Australia is 20 days away I am so excited, nervous and apprehensive. *heavy sigh* I'm going to make my list today and figure out what I am taking with me. I know it seems silly to do so early but being a preparer I would totally freak out if I wanted till the day before. This way also I can see if I need anything. 

HEAVY SIGH...it will be okay...and I truly hope my friend (ex friend) is good.

So Its Thursday!

Ugh! I so wish it was Friday! Then the three day weekend would be here and I could just veg and not think about work or the insecurities I am feeling inside. My gut is telling me more and more that I won’t be with this company for long and that is a really unsettleing feeling. I do TONS for them, I work my bootie off and yes I make mistakes but everyone does. Its just this feeling that you can’t make mistakes, that’s just a terrible feeling to have with a job. Plus this week I am extremely tired. *scratches head* is that time coming? Hmm

I told K yesterday that I just didn’t see him and I going anywhere. I’m just not really good with the passive aggressive attitude that he has, and the negativity is a buzz kill. So I thought I had cut ties, till this morning he texts saying why don’t I come over Sat and you can cook me dinner. I was like uhhh what? First of all even if I wanted to give this a second date chance inviting him to my house would not be an option especially not right now, second uhhh I told you yesterday I didn’t want to see you again.  *shaking head*

Its just sad everytime I meet someone I think of the potential and then when I’m on the date or when it goes bad I think about G. *sighs* and its really not that G was anything special. I mean he wasn’t Chatum Tatum or anything, but he was just comfortable to me. Except when he flew off the handle because of miscommunication. But when we first started talking and when he came over to my place it was some of my favorite nights. I still think and laugh about when we went to dinner in poway, about thinking he might actually kiss me that night and he didn’t.  He became one of my favorite people, the person that I wanted to tell things to, share things, laugh, cry, hold, be safe to yell to, unload my basket. But somewhere along the way  our insecurities and differences have over shadowed the feelings we had so many months ago.  It’s a shame because I miss him so, but I know that he will never make the step towards trying to fix the friendship, so each day I remind myself that this too shall pass and to move on.  Is it really that easy?

Buttercup has been getting on my nerves a lot this week. Each day I seem to find more and more reasons to be upset at her. Last night I flipped because she wanted her Bf to come down this weekend, at the same time I wanted to be alone. I get so frustrated at my place being a mess and that she really doesn’t seem to care. I clean and the minute she comes home it’s a mess again. Don’t get me wrong there are times that I am so grateful that she is there, like when she pays rent, or when she brings dinner home on a really rough night.  I like living with her most of the time, I just wish she was more considerate of my place. It reminds me so much of the complaints my mum had when I moved back home from my divorce. Sorta funny in a way at the same time frustrating.

I’ve been thinking of starting another Blog, something like me through out the year. I take a photo of myself every morning (*frowns* I use to send it to G everyday, he seemed to enjoy it, I miss that, silly huh?) and I thought wouldn’t it be cool if I did a blog with a picture a day? Then I could see myself throughout the ages. I’m thinking seriously about it.

It’s SHIT day So Happy Its Thursday, and I will say that I am!!! Celebrate tomorrows Friday!!!

Nope it wasn’t him.

Can you say NEXT? Yep yep Friday’s date was a bust. The guy is very nice and a total gentleman, but there was just things that didn’t click with me. Like the feeling that in my gut I get the feeling that he’s married. The fact that he stressed over these three little old ladies taking up two couches at the wine bar, to the point that until they left that’s all he could concentrate on. REALLY? Uhhhh chill it‘s not the end of the world. Like the fact that before we met he called me constantly and after all he’s done to communicate with me is through text (epic fail!) So I say NEXT, move on to the next man and who knows one day mine might be around the corner.            

It’s been over a week since I had any communication with G. I do miss him, I miss the friend I thought I had in him. I miss how it use to be, I just miss him. But this too shall pass, what he did and the fact that he doesn’t think he did anything wrong outweighs the missing part. It’s sad because we were just getting back to a good spot. Such is life. *frowns*

In other news, I am getting pretty stressed out about my trip to Australia. Only 3 weeks left and I feel so unprepared, financially, work wise, and emotionally. I’m trying to work through it and know all will be good but it has been such a concern in the back of my head the past few days that I feel myself fighting off an anxiety attack.

Speaking of work, it seems like I get one thing done and twenty more pile up on my desk. I realize I do get a lot more done when I stay late, or when no one is in the office. Funny how that is huh? I think I can just concentrate better when not having to be concerned with what everyone else in the office needs, or the phone ringing.

Other positive news, Jess and I are planning a birthday trip for her 30^th. I am so excited, I think we are going to take a cruise I’ve never been on a cruise and think it would be an awesome way to celebrate her 30^th birthday. SOOO much fun.

So it wasn’t him, but he’s out there, I can feel it. So NEXT!!!

Is it my turn yet?

Late post I wrote this last week but my internet has been down....so here it is.

It seems that the end of the summer brings a lot of my friends coupling up and finding their partner. I look around and wonder

when will it be my turn to find my other half. Tomorrow night I have a date with a really nice man, I say man because he truly is a man and not a boy like most of the guys I have dated over the past few years. He calls me instead of texting, He doesn't carry on important conversations on text or even the phone, he doesn't judge on weight or looks, but on personality, heart, attitude and actions. He has a good job, owns his own business, and believes in making a woman a priority in his life if she is his woman. He wants to make my life happy, and enjoys smiling and laughing with me. So is he my turn? Is he the one I have been searching so long for? Is he the one I have been waiting for? The one to hold my hand and make my tummy flip with somersaults? I believe so and I believe that it is my time, my turn, the path I have been waiting and searching for.

After all everyone's turn comes around at some time or other.

I want to punch him in the throat!!

I've never wanted to physically hurt someone as much as I want to punch G in the throat right now. I am so pissed, hurt, feeling foolish, humiliated, and stupid that I want to hurt someone. I know its not healthy, its not a healthy way to release the anger, but its a very real feeling I have right now. That and wanting to cry deeply for a long time. 

What has brought this feeling on you ask? Well dear readers I will tell you. G and I started talking again, and we have tried to mend our relationship into a friendship possibly a FWB. But we have yet to do anything together, I've asked and asked but he has been busy with one thing or another. A few weeks ago my company went to the horse races and I asked him to attend with me he couldn't but said how much he really wanted to go. So I got tickets for us to go this past weekend. well half way through the week he tells me he can't go he has Daddy duties, I was hurt but understood. I asked if he wanted to do something Friday night he said he had to finish some work. So I let it be.  I texted him Sat afternoon asking if he wanted to do something after he was done with the party no response back. 

This afternoon I get a text from him. We we're flirting a bit and I said something about getting naked. he proceeds to tell me that he should tell me that he went out the night before to dinner with an old Jeeping friend and they ended up having sex. I was livid. I couldn't believe it, all this time all these months that we have tried to go to dinner and he hasn't had time, that this woman happens to call him at the right time and he goes. He goes without even thinking about me. Its not that he had sex with this woman. Its that he chose to spend time with someone else over me yet again!!! That he didn't even think about me or our friendship. He doesn't think he did anything wrong, he doesn't think he owes me an apology. We aren't in a relationship, YES I know this...but a friendship is a relationship!! I think I deserve to be treated a little bit better than being an optional friend when the timing is right, especially when he is a priority friend in my life. 

I haven't been this angry at someone in a long long time. I keep going back and forth between wanting to cry and wanting to punch him in the throat. Either one isn't an option right now, but what is is to block him number, write him off and close that door forever. Its been a joke of a ride and now I have to suck up the anger and let it go.

Submission and Dominance

As I find myself exploring the BDSM realm again at this stage in my life I'm asked by a Domme to define what submission is to me and what it is that I am looking for. Although I failed her assignment as I didn't follow directions to to T, I did realize through writing the below assignment what I desire and ultimately want from a relationship.

 What submission is to me- by s

The Dictionary defines submission as “The act of submitting to the power of another”. The

yahoo Voice website states there are three different types of submission in the BDSM lifestyle,

Submissive, Slave & Pet. I have always found their definitions the most understandable to me.

As a submissive you submit to your Master, you give up control for long periods of time.

However you have your opinions and your choices and you can still make them. A submissive

usually seeks their control through sexual play.

As a slave your control is given up COMPLETELY. Slaves live the lifestyle 24/7; there is no

distinction between a normal day and a BDSM day. Their Dominate controls every aspect of

their life. Being a slave is not something one is made to do but a choice that they have made

and are a slave from the day they ask for it.

As a pet you are a salve with one large difference, sex usually is not involved. You gain your

pleasure from the control of the relationship and not from the sexual play. This type of submission is

warned to be dangerous as you rarely have any thoughts, feelings, or reactions of your own.

As I researched the different types of submission years ago, I quickly came to realize that I was a

submissive through and through. The idea of giving of myself to someone whom had more sexual

experience than myself, who knew new things that I couldn’t even imagine being enjoyable. Having my

mind controlled and excited beyond anything I could imagine. Trusting this person and giving of the

ultimate gift, the gift of my body through submission, this brought the little slut girl inside me to the

surface with excitement.

Of course over the years I have dabbled with a few men in being the Dominate, although the control and

having a tongue on demand was nice. It’s not the same for me and I have known that inside I really am a

submissive.

As we mature, grow, learn and seek out our life’s path we fine tune things. I’ve recently realized that

what I would ultimately desire is a mix between a submissive slut and Taken in Hand relationship. A

Taken in Hand Relationship is defined by the Taken in Hand website as “a sexually-exclusive marriage

in which the husband wears the trousers and is firmly in charge- he always puts his wife and their

relationship first. Putting her & the relationship first if the key to creating a marriage in which the main

is in control in a good, healthy, sustainable way. Taken in Hand wives (women) tend to not claim to

be submissive but they do respect, honor and appreciate their husbands and strive to please them”

My dream relationship would be a mixture of a Taken in Hand and submissive, although I want a

relationship that they man is in charge (I always think back to the 50’s) I’d also like the sexually open

aspect of a swinging relationship.

So understanding my ultimate dream of a relationship, I continue to look inside to see what would get

me along the path to finding and satisfying the little slut girl inside me. I realized that submission to me

is the control in the bedroom, being treated like a dirty slut, the mind control, the being used to please

my partner, gagging on a cock, being asked if I like that as a huge cock is being shoved down my throat,

being spanked over a knee for misbehaving, pleasing Daddy (or mommy). To me it means acceptance,

someone who knows my deepest fantasies would never judge me or say I am wrong for having those

feelings. Having someone who would get excited in wanting to see my boundaries, fantasies, and

mind expanded beyond where I am now. Someone who would take pride in rewarding me for an

accomplishment, having someone cheering me on, as if I’m swimming the 400 IM at the Olympics, to

see the smile on my Dom/me’s face knowing they are happy with me brings contentment to my soul.

The thought of being able to FINALLY give up complete control to someone being able to trust them

so that the little slut girl inside could not have to worry about how to get release sexually, mentally or

emotionally.

I’m not sure how I prefer to express myself as a submissive to other, I suppose my greatest thing is to

have my body used and pleased by them. To bring satisfaction to them, with accomplishing whatever

is asked of me. I try my hardest to accomplish tasks in a timely matter, and not displease my Dom/me,

sometimes life does interfere and I have to take my punishment for that when it occurs. Understanding

that through punishment I will grow and learn to be better.

I would like to learn to be able to trust completely, to be able to know that my Dom/me has my best

interest at heart. I would like to be able to release myself completely not having to think and just do as

my Dom/me tells me to do. I’d like to be able to release the little slut girl inside and know that she will

be greeted with love and acceptance.

To me an ultimate D/s relationship would be one where there is mutual respect, unconditional love,

& understanding. That neither one of the two in the relationship look at the others with disrespect, or

be judged for their passions, fantasies, desires, or thoughts. Where both sides are one in a two person

relationship. That both seek to pleasure the other through sexual, mental, and emotional fulfillment. To

me this is the truest and healthiest form of a D/S relationship.