Health and Doom

Do you ever go to the doctors for a routine checkup and come out feeling like doom? Today that was my experience. I guess it wasn’t really routine, I was going in to have a few bumps that have inflamed looked at as well as finally have my ankle and wrists looked at. I walked out having to go in for a full blood panel workup, a follow up in 3 weeks, 2 rounds of antibiotics, and a cleanse to start in 6 weeks. WTHeck!

I like the new doctor, she is awesome and I know she is wanting to get me healthy I respect that, but why the doom and gloom feeling? Why the feeling that the results are just not going to come back good?

I guess I’ll have to wait. 

Thoughts

My thoughts wander moment from moment, thought to thought, it wanders. 
It wanders to the yesterdays,  tomorrows and today's. 
It wanders to you, him, me and her. 
It smiles, cries, and wonders out loud. 
It brings hope, pain, love, lust & heartbreak. 
It wanders the mind late at night, ever so quietly in the back of the mind. 
It brings the realization of a new view, new voice, new idea.
All the while taking me to places I never knew within myself. 
My thoughts wander......... they wander to you. 

Creepy...but they always resurface.

Many a moons ago when I lived in the house with the awesome roommates in oceanside I jad meet this guy Michael. Michael seemed cool, we went out a few times if my memory serves right. Don't quote me on it, all I remember is the day I realized I really wasn't into him. I can't explain why it was just this strange feeling. 

So fast forward to many years later almost 9 to be exact. Micheal joins CC as its closing up and sends a very honest email to the group wanting to meet a nice woman. We email back and forth, decide to go to dinner, meet up have a nice dinner. I'm just not feeling anything. Now mind you I didn't realize he was the same guy from years ago. 

Earlier this week I get an email on a site that I have been chatting on for about 12 years. The converstation went like this: 
m Still livin in a trailer Beautiful?
Me I've never lived in a trailer.
m Did you lived in Oceanside?
Me yes.
m Shared a house with friends...
Me yes.
m on a nice quiet street..
Me yes. Do I know you?
Me ?????
m You knew me when you lived in Oceanside.
I've been in your small room with the big bed. Could hardly walk around it.
Me okay. why did you say anything about living in a trailer?
m Just messing with you...
Me ummm. I'm confused.
m I remember your hair being more blondish...were you being a personal assistant for people with small businesses?
Me yes. It was very blonde back then. I don't do that now.
m From your profile pictures you are just as beautiful as you were a dozen years a go or more.
m God I love those sensual curves of yours...  (input here....I really don't have those great a curves)
Me Who are you?
m My name is Michael
Me ummm okay? do you have a photo?
m I'm very oral and wanted to lick you till you couldn't stand it...you just wanted me to fuck the hell out of you.
Me I'd like a face picture.
(m sends picture)
m Do you remember?
Me what the hell game are you playing?
m Playing bocci in Italy...do you know the game?
Me How do you know about my past? We meet after I moved to Santee. Are you stalking me?
m No I'm not stalking you...we spent some time together when you lived in Oceanside...I lived in San Diego then. I moved and just moved back to SD a few months ago. I was looking through the profiles and recognized you. Please don't think this sinister. I just thought I'd mess with you about the trailer,start a conversation and see if you remembered me.
m Obvously you impressed me. I remember you vividly...You are and were quite beautiful.
Me and you didn't remember this when you took me to dinner a few months back at the blue fish restaurant?
m Wow, This is embarasing...You know you looked so familiar in the restaurant but I didn't put the two together. So sorry to bother you, I assumed you didn't care for our "date" and would rather not see me again.
Me Well obviously I didn't "Impress" you do much that you remembered me so "vividly" 
I'm sorry no I don't recall us having sex back then. I do recall meeting you back then and I remember ending it. If I had known a few months ago that you were the same person we wouldn't have gone to dinner. And Now I think its just creepy that you are trying to get in my panties again.
m I'm not trying to get into your panties...Did I seem overly aggressive at blue fish? Sorry to bother you again. I hope you are doing well and are happy. Please excuse my intrusion...
Me No. But your emails tonight are a little out of line .Especially since obviously I wasn't such a vivid impression, that when you had me in your presence again you didn't recall me. 
I'm just saying be honest to women it works
m I am being honest...if I would have know who you were I would have brought it up in out e-mails or in the restaurant.
I was impressed with you that night...you are intelligent and very pretty. I'm sorry your fish was raw. I didn't know if I was tired, you were disinterested or it just wasn't our night. I would have loved to see you again. I thought because you really didn't keep up e-mails you weren't into me.
m How is your woman's group going?
Me I'm not interested in talking to you any longer. Please do not contact me again. This really is creepy on your part. 

Now don't get me wrong OBVIOUSLY mentally there was something there, but in person No, Nothing! But to reach out to me a third time and try and tell me that you were vividly impressed in me...*shakes head* but you didn't remember me when we went to dinner again? Obviously you are lying. I'm not saying that I'm better than him because obviously I didn't remember meeting him before. But don't attempt to contact me again and try and sweet talk me when its all a lie. Think he got the point in the end? I hope so. 

Its like when a man starts talking to me in the chat room that I met years ago at a meet and greet and he says to me don't you remember me? I *giggles* always ask did we fuck? Because seriously if we had sex and I don't recall you then OBVIOUSLY it wasn't all that! 

This though is just CREEPY!!! UGH! Why do they always resurface? 

Chivalry- What's your take?

CMS asked me today in an email discussion If I thought that chivalry was a dead art form, chauvinistic, or something welcomed.

I responded back with stating that it was a dead art form, so is courting a woman. I think that so many men and women for that matter in this day in age of easily accessible sex (VIA the internet) have really given up on dating. I wonder myself a lot of times when did asking a woman on a date turn into hey let's hang out. When did holding the door for a woman, having her walk on the inside of the sidewalk, holding out her chair, car door, etc. become something you only do for your mum? When did courting a woman with flowers, dinner, movies, etc. become a thing of the 50's? 

 Have we as a society of independent women raised our sons to not respect women that we date? Have we raised our sons to not understand that women are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. (okay we are supposed to be) Have we as women taken on the feminism stance so far that we ourselves have forgotten that men are protectors, our saviors, our Hero's, and as such we need to allow them to do what they need to do to enable that we are taken care, instead of chastising them for it. 

I got me thinking what other people thought so I posted on CL and asked Mistress S her opinion. This is what I got back.
Mistress S felt  "I think it's a sign of basic respect, and should be treated as such, to the extent that it's not interfering with my ability to be a self-directed individual. Opening doors for me, walking on the outside toward traffic, etc is just "good manners" in a man from my perspective. "Saving" me when I could save myself is just irritating (and it's not very emotionally healthy either). But I will happily let a man step in and beat someone's ass for seriously disrespecting me, as long as he checks in with me to make sure it's not a battle I want to fight on my own."

My FB friends felt the following. 
Welcome but hard to find for sure- Married Woman 1 
I agree. It is welcome most of the time but guys are often hesitant to display it openly if they have ever caught the backlash from a woman who is was offended by it.- Single Man 1
I understand that, but should a man just stop doing it because one, two or even three rude women didn't accept it? Its like sex the same thing doesn't turn everyone on in bed. Can't the same be said in dating?- Me to Single Man 1
Very welcome! I consider myself so blessed that Andrew opens my door, pulls out my seat, never allows me to carry heavy packages & always goes that extra mile. I'm well aware that I have a diamond & not all ladies are so blessed. That makes me sad -Married Woman 2
No a man shouldn't stop doing it after one or two bad experiences. Your sex analogy is on point S. The same can and should be said about dating. It takes time to figure out what works and what doesn't both in bed and when dating.- Single Man 1 to me
I appreciate some, like holding a door, but don't like it when it inconveniences me like I have to sit in a car and wait for him to come open my door. It definitely depends for me. - Single Woman 1
love it when a guy opens a door for me!- Single woman 2

What I came to realize is that everyone has their own view of chivalry, what is acceptable and what's not to them. As I said its much like sex each partner likes things just a little different and if you treat each person, lover, friend or date the same you'll be true to yourself. So be YOU! and hope that whomever your with is accepting of you, for if they aren't, they aren't the right one for you. 

How do you know when your racist vs. a judgmental bitch?

The past few years I have worked in the east part of SD that use to be a predominately “white” community. Working the construction field you hear a lot of cussing and when a black man became president omgoodness you’d think that the end of the world was around the corner. The racial slurs flew, and now that EC has been taken over by predominately RUDE Chaldeans it’s even worse.

Do get me wrong I have said plenty of my own slurs about black people but mostly Mexicans and Middle Easterns. But at what point are you considered a racist and not just judgmental? I recently met a  very dominate BBW female who is attracted to black men. She found me very racist and it made me start thinking that am I or am I just a closed minded, judgmental bitch?

So I told myself to start on a path to find out what I am. I asked M to help me and she suggested that I start with reading Maclom X’s story. So I started and then I went to Vegas and I stopped. *sighs* I need to get back to it.

Anyhow the other day M and I were having an email conversation about language and about how I recently have opened myself up to thinking about dating a black man.  Throughout the email she pointed out my language and it made me realize that people could view the way I say things as racist unintentionally.  I didn't think that I judged people so much on their race but as in characteristics that I see people doing, regardless of color. Trust me there are some slimy white people out there that I want nothing to do with.  

Its not that I judge a person on their skin color I've realized its that I judge them in groups and what I think they are, like the black rapper/drug lord int he run down apartments, or the white trashed out druggie in the park, or the dirty, cigarette smoking whore on the corner. Its the experiences that I judge and whom I think the person is, it just seems to sometimes to wrapped in a skin color. 

So last night I went on a wonderful date with a handsome black, man we'll call him CMS for Chocolate Milk Surprise. CMS was articulate, well read, seasoned, handsome, a true gentleman. During the conversation he asked why I had never been with a black man as I proceeded to explain my "racism" and judgmental path pf discovery I learned that its not that I am a racist but my lack of experiences with people of color. 

So instead of putting myself down thinking that I am a racist I am going to surround myself with people of difference from myself, be it color, beliefs, or sexual preferences. Instead of grouping people into a box because of color, where they live, or what not, I'm going to take the time learn about the person before forming an opinion. After all the only way to have the world a peaceful loving place is to walk in someone's shoes and since we can't do that the next best thing is to learn about what's worn their soles down. 

Too big for society, too small for BBW's

What happens when you are to big by societies standards, but too small by the BBW world?

Recently I attended a BBW Bash in Vegas. I had been told that this was the bash of all bashes to go to. Its Vegas after all why wouldn't I believe them. I went alone none of my close GF's from SD came with me but I thought I'm cool I travel alone all the time. Plus I was meeting people I had meet at the SD bash just a few months earlier. 

Everything started out well. It was just like the SD bash only MORE people and people from all over the world. The thing I noticed though is that it was the same people for the most part. I felt like an outsider, which from a writers view is good but from a woman who just wanted to get away from the stresses of work, deadlines, family and friends and just PARTY it was a bit discouraging. 

People were friendly for the most part, but as I had witnessed in SD, there where cliques and lots of them. It wasn't as easy as I thought it might be to just go up to someone and saying hi I'm so and so and conversation start flowing. Conversation to even get to know someone seemed almost impossible, it seemed very surface, water cooler talk. Being the curious, nosy writer that I am I crave answer to questions most people don't ask when first meeting someone. I like depth, where have you traveled, what are your passions, your fears, your desires, what drives you. Alas there was not many of those types of conversations if any. 

The weekend went well, I came home with mixed feelings. Excited to attend the next years event, with trepidation and is it really where I desire to be. Is the BBW world really were I wish to pursue friends? Is knowing that some these women are so unhappy with themselves that they just eat and eat and eat to not address the real issues. Is it the culture that I want to put my energy and precious time into. I don't know. 

I do know that my journey to find my best  friend, lover & Hero will most likely not be a result of attending these events or bashes. Sure there are men that attend the events, but what I have found is that the FA's are attracted to the LARGER, or as they call them in the BBW culture, the SSBBW's. I'm not willing to gain wait to try and meet a man who the moment I want to lose weight leaves. Nor am I willing to change who I am to please someone else. They either accept me for me, mind body and soul as I would them or well alas we are not meant to me. 

So where does a woman size 22 who is to Fat in societies idea of the perfect woman, and too small to the BBW's culture of attractive go to meet a man? When you figure that let me know, cause I'd like to go there. 

Disconnected from...well it seems life and everyone in it.

Lately I've had this strange feeling of feeling disconnected from well everyone and life it self. I feel like my woman's group no longer needs me, that I'm not appreciated, or whatever the correct word is. Just feeling lost like I haven nothing in common or that no one cares. I know logically in the back of my brain that this is not true, I know that they do, but something has changed. 

I use to feel really close to K&A, but things have changed they don't text me anymore, they don't check on me or anything its like they've meet the others in the group and venture off and do things together. *sighs* don't get me wrong I'm happy about that, its exactly what I created the group for, but I'm feeling disconnected, out of the group and just unhappy. 

So much has gone on in my life since I last wrote. I turned 40, Buttercup threw me a wonderful day of surprises and gifts. She got all the girls together to buy me a charm necklace from Tiffany's I finally got my blue box!!! Even that day though when I should have been so excited and happy I was a bit po'd at the girls in my group. Its like they all had other things going on that day and I don't know I guess with all I do for others it would have just been nice to once have a day where I was focused on. Is that me being selfish? That's the part I try to remind myself of. 

I moved...I moved on my actual birthday, to an awesome 2 bedroom yummy condo. About 2 miles from my old place but so much more space, positive energy, light and room to group emotionally, physically and mentally. I love it. I'm still getting stuff in place but its coming together little by little. Buttercup is moving in at the end of the month, at first I didn't think I wanted her to but the more I thought about it the more I realized I did. 

So I'm out of sorts with myself and others around me. I feel disconnected from those I use to feel close to, angry really. Buttercup says to tell them but I don't want to...I want to throw a tantrum and I want them to check on me I don't have the energy to get someone to care about me. so instead i guess I'm harboring the anger which is not good cause it closes doors and holds the energy in. 

With so much going on how do I get past the disconnected feeling? How do I get my life back? How do I shake this all? 

6 of my 7 chakras are closed!

What exactly does that mean? How does it affect my life? Am I really a wack a doo because of this? I will say that after I laid down the other day breathing life and energy into my chakras I did feel a bit more balanced.  Can one’s life really be so out of loop because of the energy they are expressing, the energy they are bringing in or the energy they are not expressing?

So I have started on a journey to understand chakras and how to unlock and strengthen the 6 closed chakras. Of course the only one that is strong and open is the one related to sex.. how appropriate.  Will meditation, cleansing of my home, experiencing nature and the beauty around me truly help to set me back in place? Will releasing the stress of the world, the worries of finances, work, health, love all help in leading to a healthier life.

The mind wanders, the heart longs, the soul worries for is this truly the life I am meant to live? Maybe the opening of my chakras will led to the answers I seek.

The darkenss creeps back.

For the first time in quite a few years I feel the dreaded feelings coming back. I see the darkness creeping in and the feeling of losing it. I thought I could shake it off, stay busy with the girls, concentrate on work, take care of the important things, car, health, bills. If I stayed focused the darkness would subside again and the light would shine through once again. Tonight I feel lost, completely totally lost as though the darkness can envelope me and I wouldn't care. 

Who do I reach out to? Who do I ask for help? What do I ask for? How do you explain to someone that you're having an attack, but not really knowing what the attack is. How do you settle ones heart when you know there is no solution? How do you deal with the darkness when the light seems just as drab. 

Tonight I wanted a man in my life. A man who would hold my hand, and truly deeply care about me. when my car decided to break down right outside my door, I started to cry as I sat in her begging her to start. My thoughts were screaming WHY!! Why me? Why now? I just spent $700 on her a few weeks ago and was planning about $400 on new tires next month, but now completely DEAD!! Why? It's when I felt the most alone in a long long time. Its the first time that I have even wished I was still married so at least I could just give the keys to my ex and let him take care of the broken down car. But I can't, tomorrow I have to deal with it all on my own, I have to suck it up accept the fact that I am single and alone and a broken car. 

I told yumminess today good bye. The panic has taken over, I know logical that its the best thing and that if I just breathe and take one step at a time, one day at a time, it will get better. But the still underlying feelings of the past 9 years yells out NO, and hopes that he would do the same. Alas unreasonable expectations from someone who can't admit his feelings or willing to move along from his past. 

So I fight off the creeping darkness, the depression, the lack of care for anything really and pray that the light with shine through brighter and stronger once again, soon.

I'm turning 40 this year!!

I'm turning 40 this year (May 25th to be exact) and I decided to do 40 things that I have been wanting to do and putting off. Some are things on my vision board and others are just random things I thought would be cool to experience. So here goes.

	40 things to do for my 40th
1	Get at tattoo
2	Go the the Grand Canyon
3	Sky dive
4	Fly in a trapezze
5	Go river rafting
6	See a broadway play on Broadway
7	Create my will
8	Volunteer at Habitat for Humanity and build a house
9	Learn to play one song on the guitar
10	Write a song
11	Eat in all the resturants featured on Diveins & Drives within a 100 mile range of my house.
12	Learn to juggle 3 balls
13	Learn to Line Dance
14	Learn to Salsa Dance
15	Get custom fitted for a bra
16	Get a blue box from Tiffany's
17	Send a message in a bottle
18	Fall deeply, madly, helpless in love.
19	Sit on a jury
20	Create my own website
21	Visit the rememberance museum in LA
22	Be in the audience of a game show
23	Take Pinup Photos
24	How to buy a good wine I like
25	Try weed once
26	Get into an exercise routine I like & stick to it
27	Buy a gun
28	Compete in a swin meet again
29	Ride a mechanical bull
30	Sing my favorite son at kareooke and do it WELL!
31	Do a Pub Crawl
32	Spend an hour on an elevator- smile & say hi to everyone
33	Learn to wear heels and not fall or hurt!
34	Convience 5 women take the PAX program
35	Run a 5K at least 3/4's
36	Do a mud run
37	Learn to program a website
38	Buy myself flowers 40 times (at least once a week)
39	Hold a plank for 5 minutes
40	Create a calendar with my photos and give away to  friends/family

Get out of my own way!

That’s one of my goals for 2013, to not let the effects or thoughts of how others perceive me prevent me from doing and living my life for me.

Like DANCING!!  I love to dance I really do, I’m probably really bad at it but I love to dance.  Alas I won’t dance in public, I’m always scared that people are watching me and laughing at me. I know they are (come on admit it) but really what does it matter? It’s not like I am ever going to see these people again. Not like they are paying my bills so why is it that when it comes to dancing in public I just can’t? Get out of my own way!

So today I got out of my own way and posted the link to my blog for the girlies of my woman’s group to read. UGH!!! What have I done? What What What!! How could I have posted to let the women in my life read the most personal parts of my life? How could I continue to write honestly and positively knowing that they might be reading it? UGH!!! Get out of my own way!

So I’ve started on the goals for 2013 and it feels good. The year feels positive, strong and amazing. Get out of my own way is one. TRAVEL is another; yep I have finally set a definite date to go to the Grand Canyon 3.22.13!!! San Francisco by 9.1.13, LA in May, and NEW YORK for Christmas!!! TRAVEL I am so excited!!!

Financially setting myself up is a focus this year and I’m focusing on the 52 week savings, as well as putting money into a travel account so I’m not struggling when the time of the trips come around.

LOVE!! I’m going to find love this year! I’m not going to settle and I’m not going to waste time on the necessaries in my love life. Decide move on and focus, he is out there and I am worth the work. Sure I’ll have my heart hicps, I’ll have my hopes popped, and my tears. But in the long run I will find him and he will find me and TADA!!! LOVE will occur!!

Get out of my own way!! For if I don’t a traffic jam of life will occur and that’s never a pleasant feeling!  
 

 

A New Year, New starts, New passions, New goals, or is it?

Happy New Year 2013. The New Year is always a washing of the past, its a way to start again, to made right the wrongs of the past years, to start that diet, new love, new book, new goals. Its the starting of new goals that you may or may not finish. Its the beginning of another year of setting ones self up for failure, success, heart ache, rewards.

Like all the other MILLIONS of BILLIONS of people on earth I have set new goals and paths for myself in the new year. I have high hopes for 2013, love, peace, career, and health. All Perfectly acceptable goals to set. 

So as the past year is washed away so are the regrets, the mistakes, the things we didn't accomplish, the negativity of the last year and washed clean with the possiblities of the new. 

Happy NEW YEAR!!