the difference of a few days.

I can’t even wrap my head around how different a few days can make.  Friday life was great, Her surprised me at work with medicine and a slurpee. Sunday was amazing to share my birthday brunch with Her and my friends, then bam! Monday I sense the difference, something has changed, and yes I was right.

Her and I are over, she wanted to step back and focus more on the friendship side of things to make sure that we were right for each other. I totally understand that theory and the thought process, but the big thing is as friends you can’t have the expectations that you've put on me. You can’t expect me to say good night or good morning, put lipstick on for you, hold your hand, or even kiss you. I don’t do that with my friends. I don’t’ talk about sex the way we do, I don’t make plans for dates in the future, I don’t serve my friends, I don’t make them dinner, I don’t bring them dinner (okay that’s not true I do, do that). It’s just the implications of everything, the making promises and plans and then breaking them.

Feeling foolish for trusting her so quickly, feeling silly caring for her. So glad I never gave her access to my blog or to read you. To think that is what I was going to give her this weekend. *sighs* and to think how excited I was about going away for my birthday with Her.

I can’t even think straight to write a dang blog about the pain, the disappointment, the process of knowing that I had hope that this was the one. 

back and forth

It’s one of those Monday’s were I just don’t want to do anything. My mind is in a million places and none of them are in the place they should be, work. *sighs*

It was a long weekend of Birthday celebrations, friends in from out of town, club night and drunkenness at brunch Sunday. I loved it!!! Some of my peoples met Her at brunch, everyone seems to really like her and are happy for me. It was so nice to have her there and to just laugh and share it with her. Than today happens. I sensed something was strange on her text and asked her about it, I knew she wasn’t feeling well but honestly didn’t think there was anything wrong with us.

She proceeds to tell me that she wants us to concentrate on the friendship part of our relationship more than anything else. This caught me off guard and totally turned me upside down. I thought we both were in the same place, I thought we were moving towards a committed relationship. She said that she felt it was too soon for some of the emotions I was expressing or voicing. I’m so confused I finally let my wall down, I finally was okay with things accepted my feelings and then BAM it feels like I was pushed into a lake and not even sure how to paddle.

So how do I react to this? My first reaction as always is to push away and lock myself down. But I don’t want to do that, I care too much for her.  So I sit here at work not really able to concentrate on anything as I think about her and how I go on from this.

Is it really too soon? Can’t you know right away if someone is the one?

Her!

I finally meet M and we had our first "official" date last night. Can you say smitten and BIG smiles? Because I am. I'm smitten with her, thinking about her makes me smile, giggle and can't wait till I see her again face again.

She is everything I have ever dreamt of in a partner and I was failing in finding in a male. So it not only surprised me when I finally met someone so amazing, but warms my entire soul when I think about her. 

Her generosity, caring, love and honesty, scares me to my core. What if I can't give enough back? What if I hurt her? What if I disappoint her in sex, love, emotions? Oh how I dislike what ifs! Yet my mind still goes there, still worries about the unknown. 

She is so wonderful, funny, thoughtful & amazing. She cares about her mum, celebrates her friendships, and is defiantly focused on what she wants and needs in life. She remembers things about me, cares more about others than herself, she holds my hand, kisses me deeply and smells amazing.

She's has a rough dating history, which I can relate to with my own wonderful dating history. But she's open to seeing where this may lead with a "bi" woman and my heart is full of expectations, warmth and gratitude for her and the adventure we've just started. 

For she is just HER and that's all I need!!! 

ANXIETY!!!

So I’ve been flirting with the idea of getting a new car for a while now. Last night when out with Jake we got to talking about cars and for some reason I got on the idea of getting a mustang. *swoon* A Mustang has been one of my dream cars forever, but the more I started looking online the more I’m sort of swaying towards a Masada 3 s sedan.

The anxiety part of it is that I have NEVER bought a car before. I mean I’ve gone with people as they bought cars but I’ve never bought a car on my own. My Rav was a gift from my parents and before that my ex-husband bought our cars.  

So I’ve never had to purchase a car before. It’s leaving me with all this anxiety of just looking to see what I want, the cost, can I afford it, trade in, etc. UGH!!! I seriously feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.

So I know the cost range, I know what I want my monthly payments to be, and I know how much I would like for my trade in. But what if I get there and I do an oooooo pretty car I want, I want!!!  and end up paying too much? I can’t haggle!!! 

Drama Drama Drama everywhere!

What a strange weekend. Eyes have been opened to people and the drama in communities, in lives and sheesh it’s a bit draining on one’s core. People who I once looked at as being “friends” I now have my eyes open to the truth. It’s amazing how caught up in the “ME” of life people get. Life isn’t all about you, it’s about the people you choose to surround yourself with and the gifts they bring to your life. So with that said I’ve decided to change my surroundings.

It’s hard in the kink community especially with so many of the events I enjoy going to these same energy suckers are at. But I have decided to just live my life and surround myself with those whose words are backed by their actions. Simple isn’t it? One would hope.

It’s funny to me those that seem to publicly dismiss drama are usually the ones that are attracting and causing the most. My mentor calls them Attention Whores, I’m seeing as my eyes open to people the truth of the matter. EVERYONE has DRAMA in their life. I still stand by the saying that in life as humans we are either going through drama, just got out of drama, or about to enter into some sort of drama (replace drama with situation, issues, etc.) So trying to say that you’re DRAMA free is quite humorous to me, BUT to me here is the difference when you are constantly in the DRAMA there is an issue. 

Separate yourself, find your middle, locate your peace, your safe place within yourself.  You can only control yourself and how your react, live, treat others. You are your controller, regardless of your ties to others or what titles others give you.

*deep breathe* So a change is about, Its time. Time to work on myself, time to get happy again.

 I’ve been talking to a wonderful woman the past few days. I’m excited to see where this might go. She’s beautiful, sweet, funny, caring, and we have a lot in common. 

Change is about, just like wonderful blooming flowers, leave the negative, the drama behind like the melted winter snow. 

Same time every year

Its almost that day again. 
It comes every year like the fog rolling on a dark night. 
Sometimes I push it away till the very end,
but it always comes every year, the same time, same day, same pain. 

18 years this time.
One would think it would get easier, as each one passes by.
Your mark on the world such a short moment, 
a blimp in the universe 
a hold on my heart forever, 
18 years ago. 

Its almost that day again, 
it comes around each year the same time, same day, same pain. 

And life goes on.

So much has happened in life as it marches on from my last post. 

I’m still learning my kinks in the community, and it’s actually helping me to grow emotionally, mentally and soon physically. I’ve been working on handling conflicts and dealing with people who seem like friends who really aren’t. Sometimes it’s painful to the heart but growing within one’s own path. I’ve also been realizing and seeing true friendships and what I value. S said to me the other day surround yourself with people who lift you up not tear you down, this I am holding dear to my heart.

So what else is new? OHHH  I was really sick, like really sick, PNEUMONIA. I was out of work for a week and then here 2 weeks later still a cough and trying to completely heal. It was the worse feeling ever, and the first time I’ve ever been really sick like that. It made me think of my grandma Ruth and how she had pneumonia and was sick for 2 weeks before anyone in the family knew. I don’t know how she dealt with it and no medicine for so long. I feel terrible when I think about it.

And life will march on and on and on as each day passes. I’m consciously trying to write in you more, I have a ton of half written blogs that I never posted.  *sad face* that I am realizing I need to write more and get things out of my mind and soul.

I’ve been letting my little side out a lot more and am so excited for Weds. I’m having a few little friends over for little’s pride day. We’re going to let our little’s out make a fort, eat with our fingers, watch cartoons and play with Barbie’s. I am so excited about it!!! Learning to make my own circle and self-care for myself is one of the hardest things and even harder when trying to figure out my little’s wants and needs.  

Alas life goes on and so does the path of growth.