The universe is fickle sometimes

I've always believed that the universe puts things in our path exactly when we need it. So this weekend I met a great guy who attended my Rocky Horror Picture Night event. He's HANDSOME, funny, intelligent and the energy with him is amazing. He then showed up at my discussion brunch on Sunday. What a surprise and wonderful to get to know him better. 

That night we went to dinner and a local park that use to be a cemetery. It was a great first date and I can't stop thinking about him. This time around I'm trying to not be to overly clingy, needy or well the norm S pattern of things. 

The universe I believe puts things into our path for the right reasons and I truly believe that this new man was put in my path to show me the way to enlightenment and guidance. 

Now if they can just put a new job in my path I'd be happy. :) 

And it starts

Despite my new goal/habit of positive self talk this morning depression is taking over. Not being able to sleep last night didn't help. So this morning the debilitating depression kicked in, regardless of the list the positive talk all I want to do is sleep, watch TV and cuddle. Alas I have no one to cuddle with. 

I keep telling myself that if I don't get up and do at least 3 of the things on my list for today I'm going to feel worse. But sometimes Depression is so powerful that no matter what you tell yourself you can't force yourself to do it. 

So it begins. 

Self Talk and Confidence starts with You!

You know that something is trying to tell you something when not only does the CD in your car start talking about Self talk, but also the workshop presenter that evening also talks about self talk. So I got the message LOUD and CLEAR this evening Universe! I understand I need to readjust my self talk, I need to remind myself of how AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL and INTELLIGENT I am. I need to wake up with a smile, peace and positiveness each morning. So yes universe I get it. 

You're probably scratching your head going what is she talking about? Well let me tell you. We all have those voices in our heads that tell use we're too old, too fat, can't do something and a lot of times, (NO, most of the time) we listen to it. Well let me tell you this CONFIDENCE comes with HABIT!! 

Years ago after my divorce I remember my mum telling me "S you choose how your days goes by how you wake up. When your feet hit the ground you can choose to make the day AWESOME or you can choose to let it be crappy. The choice is yours" I sorta laughed her off at the time, but I've thought about it many times over the years and remind myself in the morning that its my choice how the day will go. 

Positive Self Talk doesn't come easy, I know it doesn't. It takes time, it takes dedication and it takes the desire to make it a habit. After all whatever you're currently an expert at you were once a beginner at. To change your self talk has to start somewhere! 

Are you going to be single the rest of your life? At a job you hate? Constantly wanting to lose weight? Those are all negative thoughts. Think positive. You're life is beautiful and preparing itself for your partner. Your job is not your life, smile and find the things you like about it and concentrate on that. Love your curves! 

Start RIGHT NOW!!! What are two things that you are constantly thinking negative about yourself and find a mantra that you will start to say to yourself each day through out the day. Add another one in a week, and so on. You'll start to see the changes in your relationships with friends, family, co-workers, and best of all YOURSELF!! 

For in order to display CONFIDENCE you have to start with yourself!!! In order to be open for love, you have to first love yourself. In order to believe and accomplish your dreams you have to build the dynasty and to do that you need action. Action build Confidence, which builds YOU!!! 

Start today! For tomorrow will be the one step closer to your new habit. Thank you Universe for the forehead slap of a reminder. 

Life after a job

Monday I was let go from my job and H after 2 years of stress, emotional abuse, and just an unhealthy place to work I'm finally FREE of that place! 

I'm about to start a legal battle and have filed unemployment and sitting patiently waiting to see the out come of that. So why is it that there is a bit of anxiety with peacefulness over me? Peaceful in that I am away from there and know that I am doing the right thing legally. But anxiety over where is rent going to come in a few days?  

I know that my Higher Power has ALWAYS taken care of me and that I have always been okay and I know I will be this time also...its just crazy that I'm unemployed at 41! 

So my life after H right now is trying to stay motivated, cleaning, cooking, looking for a job and just focusing on staying positive. What does life after a job look like? 

Googling...and Dating

In today’s day and age it seems almost automatic to google someone you’re dating at least to me it is. But a recent situation now has me re-thinking my actions.

I meet BP through my recent CL ad, he was charming, intelligent and asked me out. We met initially for drinks had a great time and he asked me out of an “official” date for the next Friday (today) as he was going out of town for a business trip. We texted and talked a few times during his trip, till two days before he got back when he texts me saying that he thought he had a stalker. I was a little confused by his statement. Well it turns out that on Linkden it tells you who viewed you and he saw that I viewed him. He flipped out on me stating that I had violated his privacy, and stalking him.

Don’t get me wrong I understand his feelings and they are justified but I’m not sorry for checking him out which is a very normal thing for me and a lot of people that date online.

So we talk on the phone and I apologize that he’s upset about what occurred. He said that it violated a value of mine and even though he knew that I didn’t know about that line, it still bothers him. UMMM okay well it bothers me that you accusing me of lying about how I found your last name.

Your sent me an email, and in that email it said your name not sure how I went searching for that. *smacks forehead* In this day and age I don’t understand not checking someone out. Alas in our last phone call on Weds he told me he was going to think on things and we’d talk the next day.

Nothing! No text, email, or call. *shrugs* very childish in my opinion but it is what it is I suppose and now it looks like my Friday night is open again. Good think Mr. M & N are having their story time!

One of lives great mysteries!

Why do people stand other people up? I mean really is it as buttercup says that peoples fear consume them to a point that they just can’t imagine going on the date? Or is it that people are just rude, flakes and disrespectful? I mean if you are so fearful why date at all or here’s a concept why not cancel the date? I just don’t understand.

So I was supposed to have a date last night with Matt. Matt’s the Italian from New York, motorcycle rider, operation manager, the one that pretty much asked me out right after replying to my ad. Anyhow we were supposed to go out last Saturday and it didn’t happen for work reasons on his part. I understood and said we could reschedule. He asked me out for Tuesday and then I don’t hear from him again until Tuesday morning despite the step up, I need more attention text on Monday.

I had pretty much written him off on Monday as I hadn’t heard from him, till Tuesday morning he texts me pretty much apologizing and begging me to go out with him. I relented (hey I was intrigued) so we were to meet at 6:30 for sushi in MM. Despite having a pounding headache that has since turned into a migraine I showed up. 10 minutes before our date I get a text from him stating he got a flat and was running late. I said okay I’d get us a table.

So at this point I’m thinking how long do you wait? 10 minutes pass, 15 20, I text him asking how long he will be. I text buttercup who says wait 30 minutes. So I wait, I order an appetizer and ice tea. 40 minutes past I text stating that it appears he is standing me up I’m going to order. I order have AN AWESOME sushi dinner ALONE L and leave.

The old me would have called him up leaving a nasty angry phone call, text and blew up his phone. The new approach was to just delete him from the phone and move on.  I mean really what is the point in getting upset over his actions? I had a great dinner, caught up on some texts and emails and was home before 830.

So ultimately he weeded himself out of the garden, because my awesomeness is just too great for some to handle. And he obviously couldn’t handle it!

I’ll admit though there is still a lingering question in the back of my head of what happened. Why would he do that? Alas there are plenty of mysteries of the world that I’ll never have answers to and this is obviously one of them; well not a big mystery, but one nether less a head scratcher.

372 and counting

So feeling very very very down on myself last week, my friend T decided he was going to write and ad for me on CL. One to prove a point to take a different approach on dating and the type of ad I place. Two to show that I am still awesome and three well three had to do with the wording of the ad and why he wrote it the way he did.

This is what he wrote:

They said honesty was the best policy so here goes. I'm looking to find a life partner, but I am doing it here on Craigslist, so you gotta be a little different right? Obviously we will start with some dates, and if things go well we will move on to some sex and friendship and marriage and all that good stuff. But first you gotta ask me out. I'm hoping you're between mid-30s and late 40s, and that you're awesome.

The "bad" things about me: I can be clingy at times. I'm liable to replay our dates over and over in my head and may ask you awkward questions about random word choices you made three days ago as though the entire universe depended on that specific choice of words. I expect you to tell me I'm pretty, especially if I am not feeling it myself that day. I'm moody, probably moodier than you're used to. But that means the good moods are stronger too, right? I tend to like everything scheduled. So it can be hard to date me early on. Just because I had Friday open to go on an amazing first date with you doesn't mean you can guaranteed get back on my calendar within two weeks. If things get serious I will damn sure make time for you, but I've got friends and clubs and groups I hang out with and if they're already on the calendar you just have to wait til I'm free. And sometimes my calendar is full because I have TV to watch. Hey, those shows were there for me when you weren't so deal with it. I'm fat. You can call it curvy and BBW and all those things, but some of you would just say fat, and I am. And that isn't changing. So if that counts as "bad" in your eyes, don't bother continuing to the "good" part.

The "good" things about me: I really like sex. A lot. Probably more than you do. In fact this may be a bad thing because it may get annoying how much I want sex. I love giving head and I am really good at it. And I make pretty cool noises when I cum so there's entertainment value there. I'm probably kinkier than you are. But I am happy to teach. I give amazing little presents. I'll randomly bake you cookies for no reason. I'll hand draw little cards with crayons. I'll get out my glue gun and decorate the shit out of household objects and give them to you as gifts. My smile lights up a room. I don't do drugs. I don't have any psycho exes you have to worry about. I'm a really good kisser. I love to cuddle. I have epic tits and I love showing them off. And if you glare at dudes who stare at my chest in the bar I might just blow you in the parking lot as a thank you. I have my own job, my own car. I'm an adult, not some pet you're gonna have to take care of (though I really dig a man who wants to do that). Did I mention I can cum from having my nipples pinched? I didn't? Well you're gonna find out soon enough anyway. I am terribly loyal, and affectionate, and loving, and honest. I will treat you like the king you are. It's the least I can do if you're gonna put up with me. I love to laugh. I love to be happy. I love to show the people I care about how much I love them.

Basically, I'm awesome. You're probably awesome too. If you think your version of awesome and my version of awesome will get along, send me an email with "sunflower" in the subject so I know it isn't spam. Thanks!

 

Now at first I was taken back and went wooooooo nelly hold your horses here. But then he explained his point and 372 emails later I see his side. There have been a handful of men that have been emailing, following up and a few that have asked me out. But here a week later it just seems like they haven’t really shown the effort, that is but one. One that I went out with last week and have a date with Friday. One who calls, who laughs, who texts, who well who shows up.

So let’s see if this approach, this honesty works.