Wanna be sneeky? You'll always be caught.

I started to write this blog before leaving town for Grams Funeral and now it just seems so foregin and so long ago, but I will continue with where I left off.

11/10/11
So many thoughts and things have gone in my life the past few days not even sure where to begin.


I've been using the tools I learned in the workshop to communicate with the men in my life and its really amazing the responses back. My dad and I are leaving for Washington for Grandma's funeral. The communication between us on email and my appreciation for him being able to provide for me financially and emotionally to be able to go, has been amazing and strange in a sense. It really is a totally different way of thinking and talking to men. Its amazing and wonderful and uplifting.


I've been trying to use the tools with women also, thanking them for what they provide and give me in my life. Today after finding out something that A,K&K did behind my back, I used it to write very caring and honest emails to them and removing them from the GP group. I feel bad a little bit about my part in it, at the same time my thought is ya wanna be sneeky, manipulative and mean about things, you're going to get caught and you may not like the outcome.

11/15/11
So many things have occured since starting this post 5 days ago and so many things just don't seem important anymore. A emailed me wanting her money back for the theater tickets. While I was out of town I received a long email from C telling me how awful I am and that she has decided to leave GP. All of it hurt a bit but I have realized a few things from this experience I"M NOT FOR EVERYONE!!!, that I can only do what I feel is right from within and that life is to short to hold onto all this negativity around me. Will I miss the friendships of them sure? But to what degree were we really friends? They didn't know me and by judging and leaving without attempting to be honest about thier feelings or talking it out is that a true friend? So I wish them well and take what I will from the situation and move on. Life is to short for this all.

Grandma's gone, and although she's been sick for so long its still STRANGE to know that she's gone. To know that she's not a phone call away to call up and empty my basket asking for advice. To know that she's not going to greet us with a smile, a card game or cookies, just makes me tear up and wish I could turn back time just for one more moment with her.

It was wonderful to be with family and to celebrate her life, but it was bittersweet, knowing this is probbably the last family event that we will all be together for. My family is such an ecentric group of people that make up who I am, and I wouldn't change that for the world. The trials and tribulations that I have gone through in my life have made me who I am today and if those that have choosen to judge me or leave my life because they have failed to understand or know what has occured in my life to mold me to who I am today, then they really aren't people I need in my life.

Sneekiness gets you no where, you'll always get caught. Those that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, unless you want your windows broken.

Good bye Grandma Ruth~ Make sure to keep the cookie jar stocked!

My grandma passed away yesterday morning. My Mum got the news Saturday night grandma had taken a turn for the worse, mum caught the first flight out of town the next morning only to arrive to late to say goodbye. Grandma went to her maker at 8am Sunday morning.

I got the news at lunch when I was in a workshop Sunday morning. I called my dad who told me the news. I felt numb, not sure how to feel. Tears didn’t come till a few minutes later when texting with my mum, even then it was only really a welling up of the eyes not a full on cry. I’m sure that will come at the funeral or when I get to Washington State but for now I’m just feeling really numb.

My mind is swirling about wanting to help mum, to hold her whatever she needs. But all I can do for now is support her through text and pray for her strength to get through this. We’ve known for so long that grandma was going to be gone soon, but it’s hard to actually grasp that it has happened. A positive note is that she is no longer in pain and is in a happier place, hopefully dancing a jig with my grandpa.

I’m stumped and really not sure what to do. My dad informed me that it’s not necessary for him or I to go to the funeral my mum said. I really want to go and not sure what to do about it this feeling of helplessness. I don’t know what to do. It would be easier to just stay here and not go up financially, but emotionally I know I need to go. I need that closure. I have no idea what to do.

This feeling of numbness seems to just keep coming and has no fathom of leaving me.

I want to hear the stories about my grandma, share in her life with my cousins, aunties, uncles, mum and brother. I want to experience her life, her spirit one last time. Smile when I hear about her cooking, laughter, competitiveness, her love.

I remember the summers I would go up and stay with Grandma. Picking berries, babysitting the neighbor’s kids, taking the train to my aunties in Oregon, watching the Muppets with grandma Sunday evenings, hearing her tell the stories about her mountain, and the antics my mum, aunties and uncles would get into as children.

I remember the Easters she would come to SD to visit us, the Easter egg hunts. I remember the night that my high school BF came in to ask my dad if I could go up to Camarillo to meet his parents and my grandma was there and just smiled to Peter that it would be okay.

I remember sending her flowers after my first trip alone to her while planning the family reunion, and hearing her smile on the phone. Or sending her Easter baskets of goodies just because I knew she’d appreciate it. Seeing my mum go straight for the cookie jar knowing grams would always have peanut butter cookies ready.

Being taught how to make my first blueberry pie, and staring amazement as grams worn out cookbook that you could feel was full of love. She was a cook beyond any other and she knew how to put on a spread. She was my grandma the one who was always there with a supporting cheer, a smile, just the right word. A hug, a smile a look that always made you feel like life was good.

You will be missed grandma, but this world is defiantly a better place because of you. After all none of us would be here without you! We’ll see you again one day, just keep the cookie jar stocked for us!

Update: I've been putting this update off for about a week now, not really sure why, maybe the emotions still being so raw maybe not being sure what to say. The funeral was sad, heart warming and a bit surreal. It was a short and simple event at the gravesite. All the family was there, Aunties, Uncles, Cousins, Grandma's friends. We were all there to say goodbye to such an amazing woman. Here is it 10 days later and I miss her terribly. I know she is with me as I feel her presence around me every time I smile.

For me the most amazing part of the weekend was the gift that I brought home with me. My Grandpa Jim was a Sheet Metalist and a carpentar. When he was laid off from his sheet metal job because of computers and stuff coming and doing thigs quicker, Grandpa started a furniture business. He made all sorts of things around Grandma's house. To me precious pieces of furniture. What I didn't know was that he made this little end table, that I knew would fit perfectly next to me bed. When I found out from my Auntie and Uncle that my grandpa had made it, I wanted it that much more. To have a piece of both my parents with me just seemed appropriate. So my dad and I got it packaged up and brought it home on the plane. It fits perfectly next to my bed and feels like two special angels are constantly watching over me while I sleep.

So being home and re-settled, adjusting to life without grandma, without that lifeline to be able to call when you just need an unconditional pat on the back. I miss her so, but hold in my heart all her wisedom, love and acceptance.

Happy Halloween!

Its Halloween. You'd think I'd be excited, and happy trick or treats and fun scary times. But nope it will be just another Monday evening. My mind is drifting again to why allow certain people to do things, I should say certain men. Or should I just say a certain man.

I know he doesn't want me. Even if he had the time or whatever the excuse is today he wouldn't want to be with me. There is always something some reason some excuse. Just seeing that he's on that site viewing all the women, adding them as friends, just reminds me that I'm no one to him. He even viewed her! The one woman in the world whom I seriously can say that I HATE!!! So why can't I just say F a duck and let it go? I so want to. I want to just not care anymore. He doesn't care so why should I? He doesn't even contact me to have sex or talk or whatever. *sighs*

So its a trick not a treat this evening. Maybe some cheesy scary movies, chili and a good glass of wine will change my mood.

Happy Halloweenie! I hope it was a freaky good time for you all!

When you really matter

M and I have been texting again *smacking head against wall* I don't know why I do that. He doesn't want me, he doesn't even want to be friends so why do I allow him to do things that I don't allow any other man in my life to do EVER? *sighs* Maybe its that I have that desire to just be held by him, but even that won't happen so why do I continue to allow it?


I saw the below quote today and it made me think a lot about M. Made me also realize that I deserve someone that feels that I really matter. M's not that one. *frowns* I'm a bit sad about it but I also understand, okay I'm just saying I understand. Work has been crazy lately. So busy and stressful that sometimes I don't know which was is up. I feel like my head is floating half the time. We're bidding like crazy and coming in 2nd or 3rd. We'll get there, and hopefully SOON, because our one sup that doesn't have a job at the moment is starting to get on my nerves being in the office every time I turn around. Ugh

I'm still feeling a little out of sorts with the GP group, but I am getting back to feeling okay and normal with everything that has happened, and happening. I'm letting it go and letting god deal, but its still weighing on my mind at times, and its painful to have to process and work through my actions in the situation. Is this what working the program and healing really means?

When you really matter to someone they will make the time for you, and I am hoping not just walk out of your life without trying to rectify the situation.

Let go and let God.

The past few weeks I’ve been really upset over the friendship end between A and I, to the point that I physically got sick from the stress. I’ve been thinking over and over about how to fix things without sacrificing my own personal boundary and realized that I can’t fix it.

Something was said to me last night by a mutual friend that actually angered me a bit about the entire situation. I’ve not discussed the issues between A & I with any of our mutual friends, they all know something is going on but it hasn’t come from me. I’ve worked really hard at not talking about the situation and expressing that the issue is between A & I. That I’m not going to talk bad about her to anyone, there is no reason to, I care about her too much, we're just having a situation right now. I don't want people to feel like they have to choose sides, there are not sides.

It would be unhealthy and unnecessary and only cause more hurt feelings. I'm having to remind myself that not everyone thinks this way and that is common for women to try and get everyone on their side and talk smack about the other person. Is this really healthy? Is this the mature way to handle things? I don’t know I just know that it’s not how I am going about handling things. I want them all to be friends, I want them to all respect each other, I don’t want to be talked about negatively who does, but I can’t control what others do or say and I have to remind myself of that every time I start to get sad about the situation.

I’ve extended a branch to A a few times via text, saying that I miss her friendship, etc. and nothing back. So I have been struggling lately with the gift I got her for her birthday and the group’s season tickets to the theater. I decided that I’m not going to send the birthday gift that it wouldn’t be appreciated or wanted at this time and may actually look like I am trying to suck up. The fact that I was honest in my email to A and have since tried to talk the situation out to no response back from her has said to me that she really wants nothing to do with me and I’m going to respect that and not contact her.

As far as the theater tickets I don’t know why I am stressing over them, it’s a GP event. A decided to leave the group she’ll have to figure out how she wants to deal. *shrugs* end of story.

I’ve been praying that my Higher Power/God/Angels/Guides would bring a solution to the issue/stress between A & I, what I forgot while doing that was to let go and they will deal with it. So I’m letting go! There is only so much one can do, and the rest you leave in their hands!

Sometimes it just hurts....and sometimes it lasts

Ever hear a song on the radio that you’ve heard a million times, but this time you actually LISTENED to the words?

This morning driving to work Adele’s “Someone like you” came on the radio and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Everything I’ve ever wanted to say or sing to The Past was wrapped up in this single song.

Does time really fly in reality but in the heart it’s like it was yesterday? A little over two years have passed and my heart aches at times as though it was a moment ago. Never mind one day I will find someone that will fill my so completely that the pain will be erased with one single kiss, look, touch, word.

I know he’s happy and I know that I am stronger today than I was that terrible August evening so many moons ago.

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

If its that easy to walk away were they ever really a friend?

How does one express how much they miss someone without stepping over the boundaries of the person that they miss?

I feel myself out of sorts, missing friends, and not knowing what to do about it all. Feeling left out is a TERRIBLE feeling, A really TERRIBLE feeling.

I don’t know how to explain the feeling of being left out since the Vegas trip, the feeling of tension, of missing my friend K, of thinking I was close to A but every time we were around other people being treated coldly. I don’t know why I thought theater season tickets would be a good thing to do, because now I have to sit next to them and feel awkward and unwanted. I don’t like this feeling, I don’t like feeling left out. I don’t like feeling abandoned.

But how do I live with myself and how am I to be the person and friend I see myself as to people if I’m not honest about how I am feeling. I wish those that I care about and was at one time so close to could understand that and instead of just cutting ties. If a person can walk so easily out of your life where they ever really a friend?