Happy Halloween!

Its Halloween. You'd think I'd be excited, and happy trick or treats and fun scary times. But nope it will be just another Monday evening. My mind is drifting again to why allow certain people to do things, I should say certain men. Or should I just say a certain man.

I know he doesn't want me. Even if he had the time or whatever the excuse is today he wouldn't want to be with me. There is always something some reason some excuse. Just seeing that he's on that site viewing all the women, adding them as friends, just reminds me that I'm no one to him. He even viewed her! The one woman in the world whom I seriously can say that I HATE!!! So why can't I just say F a duck and let it go? I so want to. I want to just not care anymore. He doesn't care so why should I? He doesn't even contact me to have sex or talk or whatever. *sighs*

So its a trick not a treat this evening. Maybe some cheesy scary movies, chili and a good glass of wine will change my mood.

Happy Halloweenie! I hope it was a freaky good time for you all!

When you really matter

M and I have been texting again *smacking head against wall* I don't know why I do that. He doesn't want me, he doesn't even want to be friends so why do I allow him to do things that I don't allow any other man in my life to do EVER? *sighs* Maybe its that I have that desire to just be held by him, but even that won't happen so why do I continue to allow it?


I saw the below quote today and it made me think a lot about M. Made me also realize that I deserve someone that feels that I really matter. M's not that one. *frowns* I'm a bit sad about it but I also understand, okay I'm just saying I understand. Work has been crazy lately. So busy and stressful that sometimes I don't know which was is up. I feel like my head is floating half the time. We're bidding like crazy and coming in 2nd or 3rd. We'll get there, and hopefully SOON, because our one sup that doesn't have a job at the moment is starting to get on my nerves being in the office every time I turn around. Ugh

I'm still feeling a little out of sorts with the GP group, but I am getting back to feeling okay and normal with everything that has happened, and happening. I'm letting it go and letting god deal, but its still weighing on my mind at times, and its painful to have to process and work through my actions in the situation. Is this what working the program and healing really means?

When you really matter to someone they will make the time for you, and I am hoping not just walk out of your life without trying to rectify the situation.

Let go and let God.

The past few weeks I’ve been really upset over the friendship end between A and I, to the point that I physically got sick from the stress. I’ve been thinking over and over about how to fix things without sacrificing my own personal boundary and realized that I can’t fix it.

Something was said to me last night by a mutual friend that actually angered me a bit about the entire situation. I’ve not discussed the issues between A & I with any of our mutual friends, they all know something is going on but it hasn’t come from me. I’ve worked really hard at not talking about the situation and expressing that the issue is between A & I. That I’m not going to talk bad about her to anyone, there is no reason to, I care about her too much, we're just having a situation right now. I don't want people to feel like they have to choose sides, there are not sides.

It would be unhealthy and unnecessary and only cause more hurt feelings. I'm having to remind myself that not everyone thinks this way and that is common for women to try and get everyone on their side and talk smack about the other person. Is this really healthy? Is this the mature way to handle things? I don’t know I just know that it’s not how I am going about handling things. I want them all to be friends, I want them to all respect each other, I don’t want to be talked about negatively who does, but I can’t control what others do or say and I have to remind myself of that every time I start to get sad about the situation.

I’ve extended a branch to A a few times via text, saying that I miss her friendship, etc. and nothing back. So I have been struggling lately with the gift I got her for her birthday and the group’s season tickets to the theater. I decided that I’m not going to send the birthday gift that it wouldn’t be appreciated or wanted at this time and may actually look like I am trying to suck up. The fact that I was honest in my email to A and have since tried to talk the situation out to no response back from her has said to me that she really wants nothing to do with me and I’m going to respect that and not contact her.

As far as the theater tickets I don’t know why I am stressing over them, it’s a GP event. A decided to leave the group she’ll have to figure out how she wants to deal. *shrugs* end of story.

I’ve been praying that my Higher Power/God/Angels/Guides would bring a solution to the issue/stress between A & I, what I forgot while doing that was to let go and they will deal with it. So I’m letting go! There is only so much one can do, and the rest you leave in their hands!

Sometimes it just hurts....and sometimes it lasts

Ever hear a song on the radio that you’ve heard a million times, but this time you actually LISTENED to the words?

This morning driving to work Adele’s “Someone like you” came on the radio and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Everything I’ve ever wanted to say or sing to The Past was wrapped up in this single song.

Does time really fly in reality but in the heart it’s like it was yesterday? A little over two years have passed and my heart aches at times as though it was a moment ago. Never mind one day I will find someone that will fill my so completely that the pain will be erased with one single kiss, look, touch, word.

I know he’s happy and I know that I am stronger today than I was that terrible August evening so many moons ago.

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

If its that easy to walk away were they ever really a friend?

How does one express how much they miss someone without stepping over the boundaries of the person that they miss?

I feel myself out of sorts, missing friends, and not knowing what to do about it all. Feeling left out is a TERRIBLE feeling, A really TERRIBLE feeling.

I don’t know how to explain the feeling of being left out since the Vegas trip, the feeling of tension, of missing my friend K, of thinking I was close to A but every time we were around other people being treated coldly. I don’t know why I thought theater season tickets would be a good thing to do, because now I have to sit next to them and feel awkward and unwanted. I don’t like this feeling, I don’t like feeling left out. I don’t like feeling abandoned.

But how do I live with myself and how am I to be the person and friend I see myself as to people if I’m not honest about how I am feeling. I wish those that I care about and was at one time so close to could understand that and instead of just cutting ties. If a person can walk so easily out of your life where they ever really a friend?

Second Chances

I believe that people are put into our lives for a purpose. Like the saying goes a reason, a season or lifetime. I have always believed that people are put into my life like this, to teach, guide and offer support. I believe that when we are in heaven we make pacts with people on how long they will be in our lives, and we look forward to seeing them on earth when the time comes.

I believe all this and it has helped me mourn, celebrate and get past the lost of friends, lovers and family members. So when I end up smack against a wall wondering if second chances with a past lover is possible I try to look inward to look for the answers and unfortunately I can’t come up with an answer and my guides, angles, higher power haven’t reveled the answers to the question so far.

Many moons ago before I met The Past, I met an amazing man KC. KC and I had three very short but memorable months together before the military sent him over seas for what was suppose to be a three month schooling turned into almost five years in the sands of Bahrain. At first we pledged to stay together and things where strong and memorable, till the military turned that three month school tour into the sands of time. We stayed in touch here and there over the years, till we lost touch about three years back. Recently I did a search for him on Facebook and found him. My heart beating quickly and nervously I sent a FB request and an email.

The waiting to hear back from him part is a bit jarring as my impatience is known worldwide, and the fear that he is married, living elsewhere, our time has passed or whatever it maybe fills me with fear beyond belief.

KC was always this unfinished chapter; he was always that man that everyone else had to live up to. Emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually, the connection between us was electric and powerful.

I find myself sometimes floating back to that morning kissing him good bye as I drove off to work. Filled with mixed emotions of sadness but excitement to see him again in just a few months, that was more than five years ago. Could a second chance at an amazing relationship that ended prematurely really happen? Can a second chances at love occur?

out of joints

It feels like everything in my life is out of joint lately. My woman's group isn't as close and as strong as I thought it was. I feel more like an outsider in the group than the organizer. :( My love life is non existent. I've cut men out of it that I realize are just dead weight and only adding negatively to my life instead of enhancing it. My grams is in the hospital, my head can't seem to wrap itself around all the negativity going on and my body feels like its falling apart.

I'm journaling out trying to figure out a game plan for myself and to cut back somethings to come about to find myself again. Back to the program, back to working out, back to staying focused. Maybe I'll be able to find that peace inside again, instead of this feeling of my joints being all out of alignment.

Ever thought of ending it?

Have you ever thought about ending your life? Ever felt so alone, so empty so defeated that you can't see a way out? Your soul ever just crave to bond with someone, to be held to be loved to be comforted? That's where I have been the past month, and especially the past week.

I feel so empty so alone, as if asking myself WHAT MORE can happen? Losing A as a friend has cut me to the core, the abandonment coming out big time inside me. Being kicked off the BBW site and accused of things I didn't do. Having a psycho woman working hard at ruining my life. All of this leads up to the anxiety/panic attacks and the thoughts of never waking up again.

Its difficult to just find someone to hold me, to let me cry to help release the stress. The dark thoughts haunt me daily, hourly, each minute, each second I breathe.

Duck Duck Duck!!!

That’s really how I feel right now. The woman’s group that I run and have run for a little over a year just seems off lately. The core group of women just seems to have broken off into little groups and it feels REALLY crappy to be on the outside of it. It’s like this group of 5 to 6 of the women that have become really good friends and just go off and do their own things together, YES I know that is why I started the group but at the same time they are still a part of the group and they are very cliquish and don’t seem very open to meeting anyone new in the group. It’s depressing and hurtful at times.

A few of the other women in the group have expressed these same feelings like they are really not a part of the group. I can’t explain it and when I ask the women about it why they do this or that, they accuse me of giving them the third degree etc. etc.

All this BS and hurt feelings has been going on for a few months now where I am seriously at the point of stepping out of the group. *sighs* I adore the group and all that we do, but it’s a lot of work to put into the events and have only one or 2 people come, or have these clique of women decide to do something else that same night. Its just disrespectful, or that’s how I feel. *frowns*

So DUCK DUCK DUCK!! It seems like there is changes in the air, this group, the online site I was on and a new me. What does the air have in store for me?