I give up! I'm running away.

I’m going to run away from life for awhile. I give up on dating, on men, on life at the moment. I want to curl up in a fetal position and just cry.

Alas this pesky thing called work won’t let me run away from life. I still have to get up each morning, smile, concentrate and actually produce work. It’s the end of our fiscal year so of course lots of overhead billing to clear up, files to close out and overall lots of stress. The owner will be here next week so closeout in a timely manner is vital.

But as soon as I’m off work I’m running away! Maybe I’ll go down to the water and watch the waves, let them wash over my mind and clear the confusion. Journal a little and forget about life for a bit.

The Past and his new wife had their baby yesterday morning, a beautiful little girl. As is normal for him, he decided to share the excitement via an email to me. WHY? Why can’t The Past leave the past in the well the past? Let me go, stop pulling me in and showing me what I don’t have. I already know that you’re happy, married, loved, and now a child. Why torture me constantly with it? I know your life is PERFECT so just get on with it. SHEESH!!

G decided that we rushed things too fast and that he wants us to go back to just being friends. What does just being friends look like? Its not like we were ever really “just” friends, there was always an underlying knowledge that it was moving forward in a romantic fashion. So what does just being friends look like? I’ve asked him this to no avail no response back. I feel so sad and lost, I finally let someone back in and I get stung. Is it worth letting the wall down and taking a chance anymore? Or is giving up just the best answer? G says that he’s following his gut this time and that his gut is telling him to not get back into a relationship with me, but to be friends. My friend Eric says maybe he needs to take a crap and release all that stuff in his gut so he realizes what he’s letting go. *frowns while giggling* I did ask G this morning what if you gut is wrong? He said “than my gut is wrong. I missed out on a great woman. But at least I followed my gut for once instead of what I am being told is what I want.” It really sucks because he’s been hurt in the passed also and now I am reaping the effects of that.

Can I just run away now? Give up, give in and just give it over. Just run away from life and people.

I wanna be all in.

I want a relationship were its not just 100% all of me in but 110% of the man in also.

Dating G even if just for 2 weeks made me realize how much I missed being in a relationship. I miss sending him my daily photo, I miss his good morning text, or his good nite call. I miss making plans to do things, and sharing my day or hearing about his. I miss laughing and smiling and knowing someone out there cares about me. I miss having a BF, I want to be all in. I want a man who won't let me go the first time a fear creeps up, a man who says S are you just finding reasons to have the relationship end because you're scared?

I want to be able to say I wanna be all in, I wanna give it my 110%. I want a partner, mate, significant other. My hero that's what I want.

Done moving on NEXT!!

So this week I have apologized more to G than I have ever done in my life. I have asked to see him, attempted to be patient, and wait to see what he's going to decide, but after this afternoon I realize its really worthless. He's so wrapped up in his life and the drama that's in it that he doesn't have time for me or us. So I'm cutting myself off. It's going to be hard, but if he really wanted me he wouldn't be so willing to push me away, and he would feel that we are important to try and work things out.

Last night I sent him racy photos of myself, hoping that would entice a response, no. I've been nice, friendly sending little jokes, texts etc. But I only get a response every few texts these days, not like before. The final straw for me was that I won free tickets to a movie premier of American Reunion for tonight. Before the big fight on Monday we were suppose to be going to dinner tonight. Now he tells me that he has to go to Costco, the bank, etc. So I give up. Really. I do, I want to cry, I want to scream and I want to bash my head in because I know that its my fault. At the same time I want to scream at him and say REALLY? REALLY, you're going to punish me for having fears and confusion? I'm still the amazing me, I just showed a flaw, if I can accept and still be with you for yours why can't you for mine?

OH I know why...because he's not the one, and as much as I keep trying to fix this, its just being more and more disrespectful on his part each day for allowing it to go on.

I read something today that I had written awhile ago from one of the PAX seminars. It was talking about women and survival. Re-reading it hit a cord with me. It said we survive by being connected. When we feel connected we feel safe. When there's distance we're scared. Its scary to us. That's me BIG TIME from the fricken between G and I Monday. I don't like feeling disconnected, because it creates a distant between us and makes me scared.

I've learned a lot about myself and acknowledged my part in this all, but G hasn't and that hurts. So NEXT. That's all NEXT!!
NEXT!!!

Is it really just a country love song?

Lately I’ve realized that I haven't really listened to the radio that much while in the car. I’ve been listening to Adele’s CD a lot or talk radio. So today on the way to lunch I decided to turn my favorite country station on, a new song came on by Lee Brice “A woman like you” The song was so sweet and made me feel so much worse than I had already this morning.

Is there really a man out there that will look at me one day and be happy that he had met me and that I was in his life? Someone who would look for a woman like me if I wasn’t in his life? Someone that wakes up in the morning with a smile because he knows I’m his, and he’s lucky for having me in his life.

It’s so funny I can put what I’m seeking and want in a partner in country love songs, easier than I can in life. I just want my best friend, my lover, my hero, protector, maybe men like that are only found in songs these days.

I didn’t realize in such a short time how much I liked being in a relationship. How comfortable I had gotten with getting a good morning text from him, which would brighten my morning. Making plans for things to do in the near future, talking to him before we’d lay down to sleep, having someone excited to see me, someone to make dinner for, someone to call my own, a BF.

Nutterbutter keeps telling me to just give G space and let him go to the well to think. I’m trying I really am and I know that is what he needs. But I feel so out of sorts and so in limbo like am I in a relationship with him or not? A part of me really doesn’t understand why it can’t go back to the way it was, the other part already senses and knows that it will never be the same again, ever again. G will never see me as he did on Sunday again, never been charmed and enchanted with me. All because I allowed my fears over react and spoke honestly about them.

Is the man I dream of only to be found in a country love song?

Push Pull, Push Pull, Push Pull

I guess if you put someone on an emotional rollercoaster and push them away so many times expecting them to pull you back in they put their walls up and decide it’s not worth it. That’s what I did with G yesterday. My fear of being a secret again, of not being respected, or loved, or whatever came out full force and I unleashed all of it on him. When I realized what I had done and was trying to rectify the situation it was too late. So the magnitude of who and what I am ruins something magical once again. When will I ever realize that my fears can be comforted without having to be unleashed in order to do it?

Today I woke up wondering where we stood, to find out or realize that I really did mess things up. Here I am once again in this feeling of panic and abandonment and chasing something that I shouldn’t be chasing, because if he really cared or if he really wanted me in my mind he would help me to get through the fear. In my mind he’d be contacting me wanting to work things through, not the other way around. In my mind he’d be saying that it was a bump in the relationship, and that we can get past this, to talk it out, instead of this is too much. *sighs* I told myself no crying today, but the tears have already blustered in my eyes, and my soul.

The problem I’m realizing as a friend of mine HALF way across the world pointed out is that I am always moving forward. So for me to step back into the no relationship with G, the no intimacy, the just being friends, and dating thing again, I don’t know if I can do that, I don’t know if I can take that step backwards. Because my focus is always on moving forward and not looking back at the past and the what if’s of it anymore. I stared at that closed door way to long with The Past before I felt the breeze of the window. I realize that although logically I thought that I could just be friends with him for the two months till he got his stuff together, that I started to feel as though I was in it but I wasn’t. It was like I had one foot in the BF/GF relationship and one foot being single; I didn’t feel like it was fair. I wanted to be wanted, to not be let go, I felt like he was giving up to easily.

I don’t know what to think or feel. I’m still pushing away, but now I feel like I’m pulling him back also, because I’m so scared of letting go, yet not sure if I shouldn’t. Its like just make up your mind are we together or not? Let us move on from this, or let me go to move on with my life. It’s a libo of sorts, that the push pull results in.

One day he'll come along and I'll be gone.

You have bottom lines for a reason, and when you don’t follow them something always creeps up to make you wonder if that is why you have the bottom line in the first place.

I told G that I couldn’t be in a relationship with him right now, and its funny a part of me really wanted him to fight and tell me not so fast sweetheart. But alas like every other man in my life it didn’t happen. Maybe I have to high of standards, or maybe as M once told me I really am looking for the Cinderella story.

I don’t think it’s a lot to want to be out and public about your relationship, or that you want your man to be proud of you, to want to say to the world this is my woman. To not be a secret, to want him to say this is my woman and don’t you dare hurt her. G is still married, they are separated, have been for 6 months but they haven’t filed for the divorce due to money. I could handle it if that was the only thing, but its not, they still share things together, don’t get me wrong I am very open and understanding that they will always be connected because they have twin boys together. That’s not what I am fretting about, its that she is still on his Facebook, that she still texts him to have dinner with them, that she manipulates him into spending time with her when she has the boys, its little jabs she makes towards him, and him not standing up to her. It’s him keeping me a secret, its feeling like I’m the mistress and that’s not a good feeling. I felt that way for way to long with (the past), not again.

So I really hoped when I expressed my feelings today that things would have been different but they were as they always are, okay I understand, and I’m sorry I don’t want to put you through this. At first we had decided that we would not be in a relationship that we would date for the next few months, until he felt he could tell her that he was in a relationship. I thought I was okay with that, there would be no sex, no connection, etc. It would just be dating; I thought I could handle that. But when I left the conversation and thought about it, I realized that things had already changed for me. The fact that he was so willing to let me walk out the door made me realize that he isn’t the one. I’ve told him my fears, I’ve told him my wants, I’ve hoped that this time was different, but it just wasn’t and its okay, life goes on.

It’s a bottom line for a reason, no drugs, no married men, follow the guidelines/ the rules and you won’t put yourself in a situation to be hurt or question your self and your feelings, for one day he’ll come back and I’ll be gone. For the true one would stand up and block the door before he let me go. The true one will pull me back and say you’re mine. The true one will announce it to the world, this is my girl and she’s mine. One day when he decides he’s the one and watch I’ll be gone.

I lost the fight, but won the war!!

I GOT SICK!!! Ugh being around G's little boys with their colds last weekend I came down with a really bad cold. Took me out for the past six days, I finally went to the doctor on Friday. They ran a test for strep throat, and told me that my tonsils seemed to be growing back. I was like WHAT? I had them removed 25 years ago. I thought it was the strangest thing when the doc said it but then I researched it and I guess its happened before. Who would have thounk it!

So it was St. Patty's weekend. G and I had dinner with Nutterbutter and her man. It was fun. Although the whole point was to try corned beef and cabbage, but by the time we got to the restaurant they were sold out. *waaa* It was a fun evening but with my cold and the weather it had a bit of a damper on it.

I so dislike being sick, it was even worse having a BF. You'd think it would have been better being in a relationship, but really men don't make the best care takers. G as much as I care about him and like him, he didn't really seem to take care of me as well as I would have liked or wanted. Feeling a little strange about my realtionship at the moment, not sure what I'm feeling. But it is testing my skills, patience, and tools.

So I lost the fight with this cold, but ultimately won the war, because I am getting better!!

What constitutes cheating?

Have you ever really thought to yourself what constitutes cheating to you? Everyone has different views on cheating, to some sex with another partner is just that sex, some dinner is cheating, it’s different for everyone.

So this morning on the radio the Jockey was talking about this list of things that people have considered cheating. They talked about from a peck on the lips, to dinner out with the opposite sex, to sexting, dirty dancing at a club. It got me to thinking I wonder what G (the new man in my life) considers cheating. After all everyone has different views on cheating, intercourse could be acceptable to some where as a peck on the lips is a full on break of trust and confidence.

So I decided to ask G and this is what he said *smiles* “I look at cheating as emotionally or physically sharing yourself with someone other than your partner and keeping it from them.” I thought I had fainted and gone to heaven for a moment there. Did he really just say that? It was amazing that we both looked at cheating the same way.

Don’t get me wrong we do plan on having amazing sexual adventures in our relationship, but we’ll be doing them together and always open and honest about the situations. And I am sure there maybe a time or two that miscommunication happens, but for the most part it’s so different to be in a relationship where you’re both on the same side of the path and look at things very similarly.

It’s a different sort of relationship this one. It feels solid and strong; I’m really excited to see where it goes. At least you know we won’t be cheating on each other. *smiles*

Bootcamp is kicking my booty.

So I have 2 weeks left in the 90 day challenge. So far I've lost 30 lbs and would love to lose 15 more by the end of the challenge, I knew in order to do that I would need to pump up my game. I already eat pretty healthy I just needed to add the exercise in. So last week I purchased an Groupon for a month of unlimited bootcamp. Last week J and I went to my first one, and I went to my second tonight. I'm planning on 4 bootcamps a week for the month and then I'll see what I want to do after that. Its a tough workout, but I get through it and feel awesome afterwards. I know I'm going to sleep really well tonight.

G and I are officially BF/GF. We talked last night and he asked me, it was cute and sweet. Its really the first healthy solid relationship I've been in, in a long time. We're honest, open and respectful of each others lives. We can talk, laugh and be ourselves, its a nice feeling. We're going away for the weekend next month, to go visit my cousin who will be visiting Anaheim, and then we're gonna visit the tolerance museum which I have been wanting to do for a long time. I'm totally excited. It should be a fun weekend.

Trying not to let having a relationship/BF intrude on my goals and path. Not only my weight loss goals, but not letting the relationship consume my life. I've been preaching for the past few years the importance of having your own lives separate but together when in a relationship so now is the true test.

Kicking my booty into shape, while balancing my soul for the long term.

Well this is a change...for the good.

I'm in a relationship!!!

I really thought we weren't compatible at first but the more we spent time together, talked, laughed and took the time to get to know each other, the more that I saw the relationship building not based on sex or that physical chemistry, but genuine respect and friendship.

We spent the day yesterday with his beautiful 3 year old twin boys. It was a nice day just hanging out, bonding with the boys, and seeing him in his eliminate. It was also the first time that we were touchy feely at all. It was a nice day/evening.

Today's his birthday and he's with his family, its strange to feel like I miss him already but I sense that. I'm not going to let myself slip on my goals or my life just because I'm in a relationship now, that's exactly why I started GP to have a place for women to have healthy life long friendships without sacrificing their relationships and them selves.

Its a scary change from being single and only thinking about myself and now I have to think about someone else before making plans. At the same time its nice to have someone to talk to, confide in about my day, and just have someone to snuggle with. *blushes* the snuggling is the best part.

Its quite a change....praying for the best.

Oh the perials of online dating.

Its been a few days since I wrote and so many things I should of, could of, or would have written about if I would have had the time. Scratch that if I would have made the time, alas I let my everyday life take over.

Its MARCH already and the year seems to be flying by. The 90 day weight loss challenge is wrapping up and so far I've lost 31 lbs. YEAH me!! Still have 50 to reach what my goal was for the year but I'm doing it. I joined a woman's boot camp with J and we're going twice a week at 5:30 am. UGH!!! I already feel it and can see that I have to step it up in order to lose the rest of my goal before Australia.

Speaking of Australia, I'm trying not to freak out but I am sorta, mostly over money. I don't know how I'm going to raise the funds for my portion of the trip. UGH!!! Sell myself or a liver or something? Trust in my higher power and it will happen. For now just enjoy the journey that I'm on to the trip, its been so much fun already. Getting the information from my parents, talking to my auntie about it and just getting excited. Its truly a once in a lifetime trip .

Life is good. Sorta seeing someone not sure where its going but he is really nice seems to be into me and we're taking it slow. 4 dates and still no kiss. This weekend is his birthday and I'm going to meet his twin boys for the first time. A little nervous but what little boy doesn't like me? I can't think of any, my nephew thinks I'm a rockstar after all. *giggles* Did I tell you how much I adore and love my nephew (well all my nieces also) but my nephew is one awesome little boy. during our recent "birthday date" to the USS Midway, I couldn't help but marvel on how amazing he truly is, such a funny, kind, polite little gentleman.

I've been thinking about things everyday. I come up with ideas on what to write but never seem to get them on paper. I'd really like to write a book one day. But are my ramblings enough? Would someone really read about my online dating trials? Let's see cause I have a dozy for you that just occurred.

I replied to a CL ad the other day. A guy was looking for a BBW to go with him to a party this weekend. I replied we emailed back and forth, then we started texting, etc. Well unfortunately I wasn't going to be able to attend the party because of prior plans with family the same night. But we made plans to meet for a late night drink after I was done. We texted for a few days, getting to know each other, we seemed on the same path, looking for a FWB with the possibility of more. So last night we are texting and something didn't sit right with me so I decided to see if I could find him on Facebook.

Now let me back up a bit here, those of you that cheat, lie or manipulate a situation understand this women have gut feelings and the smart ones will follow until they are settled down. That's me, so if you're going to lie, cheat or try to manipulate me make sure your game is TIGHT or I'm gonna find the crack in it. A Facebook is a HUGE crack of peoples. Cracks me up everytime I catch a liar.

So I searched Facebook and SURE enough he has a page. The worse thing of it all is the first picture he sent me of himself was the one he had on his profile, just cropped the GF/fiancee out. He's not married I will give him credit on that one, but here's the kicker, his GF just had HIS first born daughter less than a month ago. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Seriously? You're out scoping CL's for women and your GF just had your child? EWWWW.

So I called him out on it. I haven't decided if I'm going to contact the GF, if it was me I would want to know, but I still haven't decided on that yet. He tried to tell me that he had no plans on meeting me, that he was just joshing on CL, fucking with the flakes, etc. That I turned out to be a genuine person and he's sorry he lead me on. I call BS, you know damn well if I hadn't of said anything to him about finding out about his life he would have met me and tried to sleep with me. It was sorta funny to watch the texts come in begging me to not say anything and how she would know that I was lying, that I would just be causing undue harm, etc etc. Trying to back pedal and manipulate the situation. *rolling eyes*

Why not be honest and upfront about your life? Respect a person and let them decide if it is something they are okay with. I'd be much more understanding and open to a man saying hey I'm not getting any at home, or I just want something different, then a man telling me what he thinks I want to hear to get into my panties. I'm not a saint, (don't laugh) I might be sweet, but I'm no saint, I've had affairs with married men before, I'll admit it. The difference is they have all been open honest upfront and set the boundaries of the relationship and no it was not always all about sex. In fact one man I saw for almost 2 years we never had sex, or even kissed, we would go to dinner and talk for hours on end. His wife and him had amazing sex, that's not what he needed he realized, it was someone to build his ego, let him talk and just banter with him. We are still friends but eventually he built up enough courage to tell her what he needed and they went to counseling and are HAPPY!! So yes the truth and honesty will go a lot further than manipulation and lies.

End of rant. *smiles* I've decided I'm going to start another blog, but this one will be all about my photography. I really do love taking photos and think I'm pretty darn good at it so I decided I want to share it with the world, the best way is to start a blog and that's what I'm going to do. I'll let you know the link and how it's going in the next few days, till then enjoy the day!