I give up! I'm running away.

I’m going to run away from life for awhile. I give up on dating, on men, on life at the moment. I want to curl up in a fetal position and just cry.

Alas this pesky thing called work won’t let me run away from life. I still have to get up each morning, smile, concentrate and actually produce work. It’s the end of our fiscal year so of course lots of overhead billing to clear up, files to close out and overall lots of stress. The owner will be here next week so closeout in a timely manner is vital.

But as soon as I’m off work I’m running away! Maybe I’ll go down to the water and watch the waves, let them wash over my mind and clear the confusion. Journal a little and forget about life for a bit.

The Past and his new wife had their baby yesterday morning, a beautiful little girl. As is normal for him, he decided to share the excitement via an email to me. WHY? Why can’t The Past leave the past in the well the past? Let me go, stop pulling me in and showing me what I don’t have. I already know that you’re happy, married, loved, and now a child. Why torture me constantly with it? I know your life is PERFECT so just get on with it. SHEESH!!

G decided that we rushed things too fast and that he wants us to go back to just being friends. What does just being friends look like? Its not like we were ever really “just” friends, there was always an underlying knowledge that it was moving forward in a romantic fashion. So what does just being friends look like? I’ve asked him this to no avail no response back. I feel so sad and lost, I finally let someone back in and I get stung. Is it worth letting the wall down and taking a chance anymore? Or is giving up just the best answer? G says that he’s following his gut this time and that his gut is telling him to not get back into a relationship with me, but to be friends. My friend Eric says maybe he needs to take a crap and release all that stuff in his gut so he realizes what he’s letting go. *frowns while giggling* I did ask G this morning what if you gut is wrong? He said “than my gut is wrong. I missed out on a great woman. But at least I followed my gut for once instead of what I am being told is what I want.” It really sucks because he’s been hurt in the passed also and now I am reaping the effects of that.

Can I just run away now? Give up, give in and just give it over. Just run away from life and people.